Oh, those pesky hormones!

I began using the Prometrium suppositories x2 daily and I can already feel the hormonal effects. Bloated, crabby, sore boobies and just generally icky. And not to be too TMI, but when you're using suppositories, not everything stays where it's supposed to (I know, ewww!) But the progesterone is supposed to help make my lining thicker and better for implantation, so bring it on!

I keep telling myself that it's all going to be worth it, but honestly, I'm just worn out. Only 11 more days until I can take a HPT...

And the waiting begins (again!)

We had the IUI done yesterday morning and everything went very well. Bob's sperm count was excellent (yes, he had his He-Man moment with 48 million post wash). Other than the cramping that I felt into the afternoon and evening, I'm feeling pretty good.

Tomorrow (CD15), I'll begin daily progesterone suppositories up until (and possibly after) I take a HPT on January 11 (okay, probably before that). So once again, we're back to the 2ww. What's a little more waiting, right? Other than the fact that these two weeks have the potential for changing the life of our family in a very real way.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous or scared or anxious, because I am. We've been through so much in the last 20 months. It's not just being scared about whether I'll be able to conceive again, but will I be able to carry another baby to term? But then I am gently reminded of Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Today, I rest in the promise that God will grant me the peace to make it through the next 2 weeks and hopefully, into the next 9 months.

Tomorrow's the Big Day!

I went in for an US on Christmas Eve (CD9) and assumed that I'd be ready for the IUI on Saturday, but my body was not quite there yet. So it's been a few more days of Bravelle with the Ganirelix. When I went for my monitoring on Saturday morning (CD11), we saw three fat follicles that will definitely be ready. I took my Ovidrel injection last night and we're scheduled for the IUI tomorrow morning. Bob will go first at 8am and I follow at 9am.

I can't tell you how glad I am to be done with the injections! No more bruised belly! After the IUI, I'll begin Progesterone suppositories for at least 14 days and possibly longer into my pregnancy (trying to think positive here).

Please think of Bob and I over the next few weeks, first with the IUI and then that we have successful implantation.

IUI cycle - CD7

I had another US this morning with Dr. Park at Carolina Conceptions to check my follicle growth. It looks like I have four very nice follicles on the left side, with two doing really well. I also have a few on the right side, but much smaller and won't effect my cycle.

I continue with my Bravelle injections for tonight and tomorrow night, adding in an additional injection of Ganirelix each night. While the Bravelle will continue to help grow nice, healthy follicles, the Ganirelix will prevent me from ovulating too soon. I have another US on 12/24. At that point, they'll be able to tell me more definitively when I'll need to take the injection of Ovidrel (to make me release the egg) and when the IUI will happen. At the rate I'm going, Dr. Park seems the think the IUI will happen either 12/26 or 12/27 - a few days earlier than I had anticipated.

Please continue to keep Bob and I in your prayers. Praying for a miracle in the New Year!

IUI cycle - CD6

Yes, in a very last minute decision, we are doing an IUI w/injectables this cycle (with our own, hard-earned money!!!). The timing was perfect in my cycle and we really feel as though God just dropped it in our lap, so we really feel at peace with this decision.

So here's what I've been up to so far:
CD1 - I had an ultrasound (US) to check for cysts and to make sure this cycle was a go (which, luckily, it is!)
CD3 - I began the injectable medication Bravelle. It initially freaked me out with all the mixing and the thought of injecting myself in the stomach. It took me five minutes just to get the nerve to inject, but when I did, I found that it was virtually painless.
CD4 - Injection
CD5 - Injection (I'm a pro by now :-))

And tonight for CD6, it's another injection. Tomorrow morning, I go in for another US to check the status and to determine if I need to stay on this dosage of meds. I'll also get my next plan for injections, monitoring, etc. If all goes as planned, we're looking at an insertion on 12/30 or 12/31.

I'm really excited about what we're doing with the IUI and I'm praying that this is what it takes this time. Please keep us in your prayers over the next few weeks.

Private or not?

When I started this blog, I wanted a place to talk about the struggles of TTC and specifically, secondary infertility. I've been completely honest and open about the physical, emotional and mental aspects of infertility. And what began as a personal journey became a place for friends and family to gain a peak into what we are going through. It's also given me the privilege of connecting with other women who are also struggling with infertility. Even those I've never met IRL. Never did I even imagine that this deeply personal information would be used against us or turned into something ugly. But what I've come to realize is that when you make yourself vulnerable, you may have people who try to hurt you, knowing that you are so vulnerable.

We recently dealt with such a person who took our journey and turned it into something ugly and hurtful. We were accused of trying to steal money from family to pay for infertility treatments and other absurdities. My immediate response was to try to guard myself and my family and turn my blogs private. What I came to realize though is that by doing so, I was letting that person win. I was letting them have the control. The truth is that what they said had nothing to do with me or Bob and what we were going through - it had to do with them and the condition of their heart. Matthew 12:34 says that, "from the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." Meaning, what you store in your heart will flow out of your mouth and from your life. If you store up evil, you will produce evil things and words. If you store up good, your life produces good. And oh boy, did we ever see the condition of that person's heart. How sad.

So after all of that, I've decided that my blogs will go back to being public. I'm so grateful for all of the unbelievable love and support that we've received over the last year and want to thank you all for the continued support. I'm actually really excited about what we have going on right now and I'm praying that we'll be pregnant after the new year.

Surrender

*I've never double posted in both my blogs, but I thought that this one was worth posting on both*

When we think of the word surrender, it usually conjures ideas of defeat or giving up. "Surrender! Come out with your hands up!"It may imply that we're no longer going to try or simply can't do it. Webster defines one definition of surrender as: to give oneself up into the power of another.

As a Christian, I constantly battle with the idea of surrender. I want God to have everything, except this or that, thinking I can do it better. And when I'm at the end of my rope, I finally (often reluctantly or begrudgingly) surrender what's left of the mess I've made to God. And all along, He is ready with arms open wide, prepared and patiently waiting to fully take this burden from me. So why do I wait so long? Why don't I just give Him the burdens that He's prepared to carry, that He wants to carry? 

Surrender is so difficult because somewhere in my arrogance and controlling nature, I too often still cling to the belief that it's mine. It's my life. It's my family. It's my problem. It's my pain. When in reality, it's all God's. He's the maker and giver of everything; the joy and the pain. God doesn't exist for me - I exist for Him. The sooner I get this and truly surrender, the closer I'll be to the peace that God longs for me to have.

12 months and counting

We have now been TTC for a year. It sucks. As of now, it looks like it's unexplained infertility. So basically I can't get pregnant again and doctors can't tell me why. Brilliant! And to top it all off, I just learned that our new health insurance coverage does jack for infertility treatment (as opposed to my former insurance that covered much, much, much more). I keep telling myself that there's a reason for it all, that God's got it all under control. But I'm just sad. It all just doesn't make sense.

Please explain to me why some women who don't want to get pregnant do? Why some women who can barely take care of themselves pop out babies like bunnies? How drunk teens in the back of cars get knocked up? But for the life of me, I can't get pregnant!!!

Yes, I know it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I'm entitled to a bad day every now and then.

Sicky Sex

What happens when you know you're about to ovulate but you're sick as a dog with a head cold? Yes, folks, that would mean Sicky Sex!

I'm quite aware of how unappealing I am right now to Bob. My nose is stuffy, my eyes are puffy and I smell like an 80 year-old woman from the vapo-rub. Think Monica from that episode of Friends and you get the full picture.

But if you're TTC and especially if you're taking any fertility meds like I am, you completely understand about having to suck it up and do the deed, even if it means laying there like a dead fish because you're too achy to move.

Sorry Bob! I promise that I'll make it up to you!

Infertility Sucks

I know, not a real classy title, but it really does say it all.

I'm pretty darn sure that I'm out for another month, which means beginning our 11th cycle of TTC. If I had it my way, I'd probably just take a break until the beginning of next year, get through the holidays, etc. But my doctor highly recommends that we take advantage of the HSG and the increased fertility rates within the first three months of the procedure. So, it's on to Femara CD3-7 and a consult with a reproductive endocrinologist at Carolina Conceptions (which I'm really looking forward to - NOT!) I mean, I know that there are wonderful doctors and intervention for people who need help with infertility; I just never thought I'd be one of those people who needed it.

I hit some real lows this cycle. I hate the roller coaster of emotions that I go through every month. The hormones, the anticipation and the disappointment. It can really start to wear on you (and on everyone around you!)

I'm ready for a miracle.

All Systems Clear!

I finally had my HSG procedure on Monday and besides the long wait before the test, it went very well.

Here's what my morning entailed... I was asked to remove all clothing change into a gown and booties. I had to lay on a very cold table and scoot down like I was having a Pap, but no stirrups. The x-ray tech first took an initial shot of my anatomy and then asked basic questions, including my fertility history (in a nutshell), mostly to see if I'd had any infections that I knew of in the past. Next, the doctor came in to administer the HSG. She inserted a catheter into my uterus and up to where my fallopian tubes are (it was wild and a little creepy to watch it all happening on the x-ray screen). She "ballooned" the catheter slightly and then pushed dye through the catheter. It flowed up into my uterus and through the fallopian tubes. It then spilled out through the fallopian tubes, showing that I have no blockage, which is VERY good news! It did take a little longer to spill on my left side and I had more cramping on this side, but other than that, it was a fairly simple procedure. The dr. took several shots of everything and went over all the photos with Bob and I after she was done. The test was considered normal.

I had some cramping that afternoon and into the evening and discharge, but nothing that couldn't be helped with a few Motrin and a heating pad.

The good news is that for those who have no blockage, there are very good pregnancy rates after an HSG. It may be enough to just "clear the cobwebs," hopefully making conditions more favorable for pregnancy. I'm still holding out hope that September is our month.

The procedure I've been waiting for

I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because there was nothing new in the TTC department. I had a ridiculously long cycle last month (at least for me) and AF came 9 days late. Absolute torture! There's nothing like having an extra long cycle with no BFP to send you over the edge.

On Monday, I will finally have my Hystersalpingogram or HSG. This procedure will tell us if I have any sort of blockage in my fallopian tubes, which would be preventing me from becoming pregnant. Over and over again, I keep hearing how positive this procedure can be when there is a slight blockage, only because the actual test can be enough to "push out" any obstructions. Although an HSG is not a treatment itself, there is an increase in pregnancy in some women in the three months following an HSG.

Through testing both Bob and I, we know that we are both fertile, so a blockage just may be what is keeping us from getting pregnant again. And if it's not, than we'll move on to the next step of setting up a consultation with Carolina Conceptions. Although I'm praying hard that this is all it takes, it's a comfort to know that we always have a next step.

Please keep in your prayers on Monday, August 31st at 11:00 am. Please pray that His will be done and that this procedure will get us one step closer to our new baby.

More Waiting

I'm still waiting for AF to arrive (hopefully this weekend) so I can schedule my HSG test for CD8. This has probably been one of the most tolerable months as far as waiting is concerned because I know that there is a next step and it's not that invasive (say, as opposed to having an IUI or IVF). I don't know if I even have a blockage or if I do, if this will help. But I have to remain hopeful that this is at least leading us in the right direction. I really have a lot of peace about whatever happens at this point. I know that I'm doing what I can and leaving the rest to God.

The Next Step

I'm mid-cycle, month three of Clomid and thankfully, my last month. No, I'm not pregnant (yet), but it's pretty clear now that lack of ovulation is not the issue. I had my progesterone checked for the last few months and I'm clearly ovulating, so there's no good reason for me to continue on Clomid. I know that Clomid has helped many women to become pregnant, but it's made me crazy! I've been hyper-hormonal and it gave me some serious insomnia, not to mention the nasty hot flashes. I'm truly thankful to be moving on.

So, what's next? Well, Bob was "checked" a few weeks ago and everything is great with him. Let's just say that he has more than enough swimmers with the speed of Michael Phelps. And yes, he's allowed to ride his bike again. My doctor believes that I may have some blockage in my fallopian tubes, either due to a mucus plug or from scar tissue and infection from my last pregnancy. On CD1 I'll schedule a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test for CD8. This test and x-ray will flush out my fallopian tubes, and hopefully unplug whatever's blocked. There's often a very good chance of becoming pregnant right after an HSG, so we're hopeful that this is what will help us to finally become pregnant. And if not, well, then God will provide the next step.

Praying that August will be our month.

The Emotional Toll

*I want to preface this post by stating that I am not a medical professional nor can I diagnose depression. I am simply speaking personally about my own experience with infertility and depression.*

TTC can be physically tough, but no one really talks about the emotional toll that it begins to take. It begins to effect every aspect of your life and impacts your family, your marriage, friendships and your relationship with God. It becomes such a part of your life that it begins to feel like another job. It's an exhausting wave of hormones and emotions, rising and falling every month and finally crashing down so hard that you feel like you can't breath. 

Another aspect that women are often afraid to talk about is depression. I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of Robert. Since then, I've had situational depression while grieving his loss. And now, while I wade through the waters of infertility, I must be very aware of how easily depression can begin to creep in again. I think that depression may be easy to overlook because of all that you have going on when you're TTC, especially if you've had losses and infertility issues. Most likely you are on medications (oral or injected), having weekly tests, meeting with specialists. Depression could be disguised as just being tired or hormonal. 

Depression is also still very taboo (hmmm, very much like talking about miscarriage or pregnancy loss is). There is a lot of shame associated with being labeled with depression. But awareness and the ability to open up to your spouse or friends about how you're feeling is a key to keeping depression in check. It's also important to be aware of triggers that may bring on symptoms of depression.  

For me personally, I know what my triggers are and I still fall into the trap of depression. I've been on medication before, but am choosing not to be on anything now while we're TTC. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with being on anti-depressants while TTC or pregnant. This is just a personal choice. There are some things that I'm doing to help with my bouts of depression. First, I read my bible, pray and listen to christian music. Also, I have a few close friends who are aware of what I'm going through and don't let me withdraw (for too long, anyways). Even when I ignore their phone calls for almost a week (yes Jen, I am so appreciative of your love and friendship - I promise to call today!). 

Tired

Physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm just tired. Not to mention the fact that I was up watching old episodes of Family Ties on hulu and playing solitaire until 2am. Sweet tea is evil. I've got to cut myself off in the afternoon. Yeah, so I can start on the hard liquor! 

Today I start on CD10-20 0f guaifenesin (aka Mucinex) to begin to "thin" my mucus (yes, it thins ALL sorts of mucus). Eww, right? So very TMI but so part of my life right now. I also continue the Estradiol for a few more days. Who ever thought I'd be doing all this? Certainly not me! 

I was thinking about when Bob and I decided to TTC with Mason. We went out to our favorite restaurant, had a nice dinner and bottle of wine and he said, "You want to try for a baby?" "Sure!", I said enthusiastically! Then we finished the bottle of wine (and maybe a second one) went home and one cycle later... TADA! We were pregnant with Mason. Of course, we had our struggles with that pregnancy too, losing Mason's twin at 8 weeks pregnant. They called it a "vanishing twin," as if the baby decided to leave town on a shopping excursion without telling anyone. But after that, other than some wicked morning sickness, my first pregnancy was easy and a non-event.

Then came TTC for the second time. I ask Bob, "Do think I should have my Mirena taken out so we can TTC?" He responds, "Sure, why not?" I have it removed and 3 weeks later, BOOM, I'm preggers. I swear it only took one time while ovulating and I conceived. Of course, we know how that pregnancy turned out. 

And so here I am, TTC for the third time and absolutely desperate to become pregnant and to have another child and for the life of me, I can't get pregnant! Okay, so I shouldn't say "can't", but it's just very difficult this time around. And I think that's what boggles my mind so much. In the past, it was like speaking the words and I was pregnant. Now I'm doing everything possible for me right now and it's not happening. 

So I hear ALL sorts of advice from people. Just relax. Don't stress over it. Have more sex. Have fun! Uh, yeah, tried all those and I'm still not preggers. 

I made a "suggestion" to Bob that he may want to go to an Urologist just to make sure everything is okay with "the boys". He's not crazy about it, but he's willing. I also told him he's not longer allowed to ride his bike in the morning until we get pregnant again. Hey, you never know how it may effect everything down there. For the time being, I'm not leaving any stone unturned. 

I'm off to take my tired, non-pregnant butt to the pool with Mason. 

Holy Hot Flash!

So I'm on CD9 and done with Clomid and on to Estradiol for CD8-12. I have to admit that this month, my Clomid made me feel a little out of sorts. Okay, so it made me a big, bad "you-know-what"! I hate feeling so cranky, moody and on edge all the time. Not to mention the MAJOR hot flash I got last night. Yikes! Then throw in taking my BBT every morning, charting, and playing the waiting game and I'm just getting a little burned out. 

Bob and I keep praying and remaining hopeful, but I'm also feeling like *if* it doesn't happen by round three of Clomid, I may need a breather. Maybe a break of a few months would be good to relieve some of the stress and pressure of TTC. I know that feel led to do what's right for us. 

On top of it all, the one year anniversary of when Robert died is definitely weighing heavy on our hearts. I guess I thought that I'd be pregnant by that point and not dealing with the pressure of TTC and still grieving our loss. Losing Robert never goes away and I believe that it is impacting our TTC. 

Day 2, Cycle 2

So it's another cycle of Clomid and yet again, the physical and emotional roller coaster that is sure to accompany it all. When we decided to TTC again last year, I really had no preconceived notions about what to expect or how long it would take. Now, I'm secretly hoping I'm pregnant again before August 21st. I don't know why I expect it to not be as hard, but I'm hoping it's a hurdle to be over by then. 

I have to say that I am so very thankful for the amazing women that I've "met" through this journey of fertility and of Clomid. I've encountered some truly beautiful women who are struggling as I am to become pregnant again and it's really anchored me. 

And even though we walk on similar paths and can share our charts and advice and laugh and cry over BFN's or hopefully, BFP's, ultimately, we know that we travel alone. There is no identical fertility experience. There are no maps or charts to tell us where to go or to "make" our bodies do something that it does not want to do. It is our own personal journey. 

But then again, I'm never really alone. I know that God is traveling right beside me.

There's always a lesson to be learned

So, I don't think this is going to be my month. My progesterone levels came back on Friday at 28.5, so I definitely ovulated. But my temps are plummeting which is not a good sign. Now I just wait for AF and then it's a refill on Clomid and I start on cycle two (which is actually cycle 8 of TTC).

I have to admit that I've really learned a lot this month. No, not just how to get on a schedule of what medications to take on which day and how to keep track of my Basal Body Temperature (BBT). God has made very evident to me the act of surrender. What I've realized is that I have not been completely surrendering my fertility to God. I've been praying that he'll help me to become pregnant again, but I've kept it "me" focused, not God focused. "Me" focused looks at how it will impact me and make me happy; God focused keeps it about him. And the truth is that it doesn't matter how good a fertility drug is or how many other women it's helped. God is still the one who will determine when I will conceive again; God is in control.

So today I surrender my fertility completely to God. My hearts prayer is that I keep God-focused while I travel this road of TTC. I pray blessings for the child that I know God will bring to our family. I praise God now for what he's already doing and for what he's going to do. 

A typical month

So once again, I find myself in the last week of my cycle and waiting for either the infamous AF or, hopefully, a BFP. To someone who does not have to work so hard to TTC, they might not understand how it feels throughout the month. 

In the beginning of my cycle, it's really a mix of emotions. I'm disappointed that I'm not pregnant for another month, but I quickly go to preparing myself for what I need to do for my next month in order to TTC again. Then there's all the other things in between, like meds, and temping, and OPK's and the right lubricant. So meanwhile I'm having to put my body through all this "stuff" and all Bob has to do is show up for sex. Yeah, poor Bob!

And then I get to this week, the last week of my cycle, and I sit and wait. I know at this point that we've done all we can for a month, but the wait is agony. I look for signs, any signs, that I may or may not be pregnant. This week is a little different in that I'll go in on Wednesday for blood work to check my progesterone level; if it's high, than I've successfully ovulated - low and it's another cycle of Clomid. And then even if I have ovulated, there's no guarantee that this is the month. 

I fully admit that I'm tired. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to do this anymore. Why, especially after losing Robert, that I have to work so hard to become pregnant again? And then I remember that God knows so much better than I do what is best for me. He knows my body inside and out. He quietly urges me to have faith and keep believing that he has it all under control. He requires that I surrender my fertility, just like everything else, to him and him alone. 

My first round of Clomid

AF showed last night, so that means I'll begin my first round (and hopefully, my only cycle) of Clomid (100mg) tomorrow. I'm taking Clomid CD3-7, Estrodial CD8-12 and taking guaifensin for CD10-20. I'm scheduled for a blood draw on CD22 to check my progesterone level. I'll be taking it at night, as recommended by several women, to sleep through the hot flashes.

In addition to meds, I'm charting, temping with a Basal thermometer and using the Answer OPK's. And by the way. Walmart has it cheapest; 20 strips for only $18.37. Oh, and I'm also still using Pre-seed. So if it doesn't work this time, I don't know what will?!

I'm off to MI for 10 days to visit my brother, SIL and nephew. I'm hoping that being away from the normal day-to-day "stuff" will help me to relax and not stress too much about what I have to do. 

I'm having a "talk" with Bob tonight about everything I'm doing so that he's aware of possible side effects, aka: hot flashes, moodiness, etc. So, he should be used to most of these.

Here I go again

The waiting game begins but again. With this being the last cycle before starting Clomid, I'm hoping and praying for that BFP this weekend. If not, it's AF (probably Sunday) and my first round of Clomid CD3-7 beginning on or around Tuesday. I'm still clearly nervous with the whole idea of taking Clomid. I know plenty of women who've had wonderful luck and success with using Clomid. I'm still uneasy about pushing my body into doing something that it's not doing naturally. I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about the increased risk of multiples. Sure it's a 10% increase, but throw into the mix that I've already conceived twins naturally. Not to mention the increased risk of miscarriage with multiples. So I'm sure that you can understand my feelings about it all. But on the other hand, I know that God is control. If that's what he has planned for me, than I know that he'll provide. I know that he'll take care of me. This much I know is true.

Four years ago...

I still can't believe that my little man will be four years old tomorrow. Yes, the time does fly. What the last 9 months has taught me more than anything is to truly savor and enjoy every minute that I have with Mason, Bob and our precious family and friends. Do we even realize how blessed we are to have such special people in our lives? I believe that one of the ways that God shows his love for us is by the people that he blesses us with. Each one is a gift to be treasured, not wasted. And we in turn love God by loving others.

I'm so grateful today for Mason! Happy Birthday, my love. Momma loves you so much!

Psalm 37:4

I think that it's really important to keep ourselves in check when it comes to what we want. And more importantly, does it line up with what God wants for our lives? So many times, we can get so caught up in what we want and the pursuit of getting there that we forsake everything else in the process. I can see how TTC could push couples into that mentality. 

I do desire to have another child, but I've also kept with the "mantra" of His will be done, not mine. Meaning, if God wants to add another child to our family, then he will. But I also feel that he has placed that desire within me to be a mom again and that he wants to give that to me. He also provides ways beyond ourselves at times in order to fulfill those desires. 

*If* we're not pregnant again this month, I'll start on my first cycle of Clomid in June. I know the risks. I know the side effects. I'm nervous but willing to give it a try. His will, not mine.

What's in a Name?

As I sit here watching my beautiful son play outside with his father (aka my amazingly sexy husband), I can't help to think what it really means to be a mom. Beginning with the moment I found out that I was pregnant for the first time and even beyond my last breath, I am forever Mason and Robert's mom. And I as I watch Mason grow and eventually, leave me and Bob to begin his own life and family, I am still his mom. 

But what does it mean to be a mom? Is it enough to just be called "mom" or "momma" or "mommy"? Is being a mom a right or a privilege? As we travel through the many seasons of our lives, so we watch the seasons of motherhood change. Even though Mason needs me in different ways than he did when he was an infant, he still needs me. And so it goes for us even as adults. We may not need our mothers in the same way we did as children, but we never stop needing our moms.

When I was 13, I saw my own mom go through the painful loss of my grandmother. Even as a young teenager, I can still remember the anguish that she went through of knowing that her mom was no longer physically here. So my question has been and continues to remain, "Why in the world would she want me to go through not having a mom when she knows how painful it's been for her?" And is it even worse to know that my mom IS physically here, but no longer wants to be a mom to her own children? I am 32 years old and I still need my mom. Sure, I don't need her in the same ways that Mason does, but I still need her. Why can't she give that to me? I don't think I'll ever understand.

My appointment tomorrow

So even though it's one cycle of not preventing and five cycles of actively trying, it is six months total and I just couldn't wait any longer. So I'm off to see my OB/GYN tomorrow to discuss what's going on with TTC and to see what my options are. I figure that with all the wonderful medical help out there for couples who are TTC, why wait any longer. Since my cycles are not normal, it is very likely that my ovulation is not normal. So, my guess is that he'll suggest Clomid. If this is the key to jump starting my cycles again, I'm really okay with it. I know that there is a 10% chance of twins on Clomid, which I have no problem with. I figure that if that's how God wants to bless us, he'll give us what we need to do it. I have several friends who have conceived on Clomid within one to two cycles. Keeping my fingers crossed...

I never thought I'd be in this place. You never think it will happen to you until you're living it, and even then you're still surprised. I pray that tomorrow I'll begin to have some answers. 

Enough with the comparing, already

It's hard enough when your ttc and not getting preggers month after month. But what's worse is when people try to compare you with everyone else. "Your ONLY on month six of trying. It took my friend over a year to get pregnant." And of course, that must be horrible to go through, but everyone is on their own journey with ttc and comparisons usually don't go over well. 

When you're on month six of ttc after a miscarriage and a stillbirth, the wait is torture. You can't help but start to wonder if there is something really wrong. It's not uncommon for women to have fertility issues on a second or third pregnancy; could this be happening to me? My gut (or, my ovaries :-) is telling me that something is just not right. We shall see.

So yes, AF did rear her ugly head yesterday morning and so it's another month of ttc. When I do finally get my period, it's this strange dichotomy of sadness and relief. Sad that it's another month of not getting pregnant; relieved to be over the torture of waiting to see if I am pregnant. It's like this pretty much every month. It can really be emotionally draining. But then you just gear up for another month of OPK's and charting and timing sex. It's like a second job. This month I'm adding in Pre-seed to the mix. It's supposed to help with the conception process and I'm willing to try just about anything at this point. Between that and using the Answer OPK again, I feel like I'm doing all I can.

This will be our last month of trying until we head in to see my Dr. It will most likely mean a fertility specialist and both Bob and I evaluated, which will be a first for us. We did go through genetic testing and evaluation, but any additional testing (through autopsy) was done on Robert and my placenta after I delivered. And of course, everything came back fine. But this time around it's different. It's looking at our ability to conceive. I'm not quite sure what to expect. I'm a little nervous. I know that God is teaching me something through all of this.

The waiting game continues...

So I'm one day late and I'm too scared to test. I just can't deal with the disappointment right now. A confession though: I tested early on Monday and it was a BFN. It's just that I got an early BFP with both Mason and Robert (both 4 days early), so I can't help myself. But then when I get the BFN, I turn into this raging lunatic. I'm angry, mean and bitter. I snap at both Bob and Mason; it's not a pretty sight. I had to give MAJOR apologies in the last few days for my less than okay behavior. 

So not knowing what exactly is going on with me this month, I went to CVS and bought both tampons and a pregnancy test. I must have looked a little crazy. Oh, but the funniest part was when I went to look for my keys so I could use my little CVS pharmacy card and a pair of my white thong underwear came out with the keys!!! I was mortified!!! Of course I start explaining to the women at the register that I went to try on clothes at Kohl's yesterday and I brought a different pair of underwear just in case I needed them (as if she cared). She tried to change the subject by asking me where I bought my purse (this great aqua colored bag that I bought at Lily Mae's in the Factory in Wake Forest). 

So, do I wait another day to see if AF shows up or go upstairs and test right now? Decisions. Decisions. 

***Update*** BFN. So here's to another month of TTC. Anyone want to join me for a Margarita?

3 days and counting...

Since we're TTC, every month there's a little countdown that begins about 3-5 days before I'm supposed to begin my period. The questions begin to stream through my mind. Do I feel pregnant? Will my period come this month? Will it come on time? Will it come late and torture me for just a few more days? And the biggest question of all: Will this be the month that I become pregnant again? 

Then I start to think about when I will test. Will I test early or wait until I've missed my period? Then I think hypothetically about getting a positive pregnancy test and ask myself, How will I tell Bob? I also think, Will we tell others right away or wait? Will we only tell our family? Will I post it on my blog or on Triangle Mommies? 

So another countdown begins.

What does Hope mean to you?

Many of us throw the word hope around very casually these days. You may say, "I hope I get that promotion." Or, "I hope there's nice weather this weekend." But what if it were more like, "I hope I can feed my kids tonight." Or, "I hope they don't turn off the power in my home." I've learned this weekend that hope can mean very different things to different people. In fact, to many people out there, hope may mean survival.

I had the privilege of serving yesterday at Convoy of Hope in downtown Raleigh. I, along with 1,000 other volunteers from 65 church's in the Triangle served over 5,000 hurting men, women and children. We loved on them for over five hours during a hot Saturday. Volunteers provided free medical and dental care, kids activities, lunch, haircuts, job resources, prayer and support and groceries. I served in the grocery area, the last area that our special guests passed through before leaving for the day. I had the awesome job of just loving and encouraging people as they left. I gave more hugs and hand shakes than I could count. I looked into the eyes of these beautiful people and saw the deep appreciation for what they had received. Most of all, I was able to love them like God loves them. I was reminded several times during the day of the Brandon Heath song "Give me your eyes", especially the chorus:

Give me your eyes for just one second 

Give me your eyes so I can see 

Everything that I keep missing 

Give me your love for humanity 

Give me your arms for the broken hearted 

Ones that are far beyond my reach. 

Give me your heart for the ones forgotten 

Give me your eyes so I can see

Serving yesterday was an incredibly humbling experience. It was a reminder to me of my need to serve others as a way of serving God. It was a priority check. A check of my time, of my resources, of my heart. I'm so grateful that God and the holy spirit gives us these reminders. I'm so glad that I was willing to listen.

Living an intentional life

This morning's sermon at church had a profound effect on me. Pastor Jimmy began the series "30 Days to Live", asking the question, "How would you live your life if you KNEW that you had just 30 days to live?". Maybe you would spend more time with your family. Or maybe you would work on reconciliation in that broken relationship. Perhaps it would be then that you would finally decide where you want to be after death. Of course his point being, "What in the World are we waiting for?!?!?!?!" The fact is that there are no guarantees, although everyone of us lives as if we have 50 more years or one more week or even one more day. But the truth is, it could all end in an instant and then there are no more chances to get it right. 

So as I go through the day today, and every day that I'm here, I plan on taking a little more time with what I'm doing. To enjoy all the lovin' from my Mason. To hold Bob's hand or to steal a kiss every chance I get. To tell them that I love them. 

I was especially convicted thinking about my relationship with my mom. I know that I've been wrong and have made mistakes, that we've both made mistakes. I don't want to get that call that she's gone and then to live with the regret of past hurts and words. I bet that so many people get to where I am but say to themselves, "Okay, if so-and-so makes the first step, then I'll talk to them or work on this." But if we're always waiting for the other person to make the next step, then we know it will never happen. To put it bluntly, sometimes the more emotionally mature person has to decide to make the first move. Maturity has nothing to do with age, but it does have to do with personal responsibility. 

Today I live in the moment with no regrets.

Gimme an O-V-U-L-A-T-I-O-N! What's that spell?

So after using the Answer brand ovulation predictor kit for the last 12 days, last night I got the dark second line that indicates an LH surge in the next 24-48 hours (I know it's hard to see, but my line is the 1st one - very dark, indeed!). Praise God! And we know what that means. Poor Bob! But I wouldn't feel sorry for him. I'm sure he won't be complaining. 

I'm really glad that I tried this OPK because of the amount of strips that you receive in the kit. While they suggest using one of the 20 strips once a day for 20 days, you do have the option of using more than one a day with still plenty left over. It's also great because now I know that I'm actually ovulating a little later than the typical 14 days (or somewhere in the middle of a cycle); more like 17 or 18 days. Very good to know. I'll guess we'll find out how good at the end of the month. Please wish me a little bit of baby dust.

The real "Secret"

So a friend bought me the book The Secret for my birthday this year. I'd heard about it (ah, from Oprah, of course!) but really had no interest in reading it. But, since it was a gift, I decided to give it a skim. Well, actually, I went right to the back of the book. I thought that maybe I could get "the secret" without even reading the whole thing. Boy was I right! The whole universe is for me! Are you kidding me?! What a bunch of lies. This is exactly what's wrong with society today. Everyone is so self-centered and self-serving. Me, me, me! It's all about me! But that's such a lie. It's not all about you! As a born-again Christian, a follower of Christ, I can not live by the principles that the flowers, the sunrise, the ocean, the Universe is for me. It's not! It's all for GOD. Now let me add something and say that while I clearly don't agree with what this book is saying, I know that my friend had very good intentions with gifting me this book. Part of my reaction comes out of anger towards these authors and to Oprah for pushing such garbage to so many people. But I also know that we all have choices about what we read and what we believe. I just don't want people to be deceived. 

Does satan masquerade, or what?! Let me clue in anyone who thinks that The Secret is the real deal: it's not. Here's a not so secret tip: get in the word. You want to know the secrets of the universe, it's in the Bible. 

When life gives you a cup, you pee in it!

The title says it all. If you're TTC, you've undoubtedly done this at one time or another. Right now, it's the infamous Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) for me. After all my research, I learned that the more you pee, the better. So on Sunday,  I went to Walmart (ugh, I know) and picked up an Answer Daily Ovulation Tracker. It comes with 20 tests for a one month supply and a little plastic pee cup. Yeah! It's supposed to catch my LH surge so I know when I'm about to ovulate. Pee in the cup (oh yeah, and it's better after 3pm?), open the canister (but quickly shut it!) and dip the stick up to the green line and then wait for 5 minutes. Is there a second line? How dark is it? So I wish that I actually knew what I was talking about. LH surge? Don't pee until after 3? Nothing to drink for 2 hours? I'm already exhausted. 

So the one advantage to all of this is having a husband who works from home. I guess you can never underestimate the power of a quickie in the afternoon.

It's not as easy as, "Sex?" Yes please!

Ah, how I wish it were the case because then I'm convinced I'd have a house full of kids by now! I mean, if it's that easy for you, then awesome! But some people actually do struggle with TTC and even though I'm not at the point where I think we need to be really concerned, it can be very stressful. This journey has taught me many important lessons along the way, one of them being a greater sensitivity towards those wanting so bad to conceive with months (or even years) of waiting.

I still laugh when I think of one friends advice. "So Katy, if you and Bob want to get pregnant, just go get really drunk and do it in the back of your car! Works all the time for horny teenagers, right?" But if I can take anything from that (yes, there's always a lesson to be learned), it's that not matter how long it takes us to get pregnant again, that Bob and I can really enjoy the intimacy that we share as couple.

Far too often, we (uh, that's for us women) get so caught up in the whole "let's make a baby thing" that we forget about our spouse in the process. Or even worse, we forget that we're supposed to be enjoying ourselves. It seems so strange to use the words God and sex in the same sentence, but yes, God created sex so that we can enjoy it with our spouse. Now if that doesn't prove God's love for us, I don't know what does?

My road less traveled

Life is a journey and I'm constantly amazed at where mine is taking me. Less than two months ago, I started Robert's blog as a way to sort through my journey of losing a son. And while that journey continues, another journey continues (being wife to Bob and mother to Mason) and another journey begins: the journey of TTC. And while they all converge along the way, I feel as though I'd like to keep them separate in some way. I mean, "my life is my life", and it does all run together. I'm just realizing more and more that we do go through "seasons" and I'd like to reflect on these facets separately. 

Hence the birth of, "He calls me Momma". I don't know if there's anything sweeter than when I hear Mason call me momma. Melts me just to think about it. So here I go again...