A typical month

So once again, I find myself in the last week of my cycle and waiting for either the infamous AF or, hopefully, a BFP. To someone who does not have to work so hard to TTC, they might not understand how it feels throughout the month. 

In the beginning of my cycle, it's really a mix of emotions. I'm disappointed that I'm not pregnant for another month, but I quickly go to preparing myself for what I need to do for my next month in order to TTC again. Then there's all the other things in between, like meds, and temping, and OPK's and the right lubricant. So meanwhile I'm having to put my body through all this "stuff" and all Bob has to do is show up for sex. Yeah, poor Bob!

And then I get to this week, the last week of my cycle, and I sit and wait. I know at this point that we've done all we can for a month, but the wait is agony. I look for signs, any signs, that I may or may not be pregnant. This week is a little different in that I'll go in on Wednesday for blood work to check my progesterone level; if it's high, than I've successfully ovulated - low and it's another cycle of Clomid. And then even if I have ovulated, there's no guarantee that this is the month. 

I fully admit that I'm tired. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to do this anymore. Why, especially after losing Robert, that I have to work so hard to become pregnant again? And then I remember that God knows so much better than I do what is best for me. He knows my body inside and out. He quietly urges me to have faith and keep believing that he has it all under control. He requires that I surrender my fertility, just like everything else, to him and him alone.