I guess my one cyst was getting a little lonely, so now it has a friend!
Yep! Not only has my cyst not dissipated, but now there's another smaller cyst to keep it company. I've gone in twice this week, only to have the same disappointing news that we can't move forward with my stims until the cysts are gone. My doctors pumped me full of Femara on Monday night in hopes of helping the cyst to shrink, but it made no difference to the size nor my estrogen level. However, it did give me some mean hot flashes and I'm feeling more sick than ever. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd actually rather be doing my injections than taking pills.
So what now? You guessed it! I wait. I'm continuing on crazy pills (i.e. BCP) and waiting until my next US and estrogen check on Tuesday, May 4th. Although the wait is hard, I'd much rather make sure that conditions are optimum for the stims and IVF then to spend all that time and money only to have to cancel the cycle.
There's so much that I continue to not understand about where God has taken us, but I've trusted all along that his plan is good and perfect.
So even now, as I continue to feel the pain and heartache of losing a son, infertility and of an uncertain IVF cycle, I trust in His absolute sovereignty and plan for my life and for our family.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Patience is a virtue
Last night was supposed to be my last BCP, but unfortunately, I have to stay on for one more week.
I went in for my baseline US yesterday and found a small cyst on one of my ovaries. Coupled with an elevated estrogen level means one more week of BCP before I can move on to my injectables. Perfect. That means that my entire cycle is pushed back by a week. My entire life is pushed back by a week. Once again, I'm at the absolute mercy of my body. Completely and utterly out of my control. I guess that'll teach me to think that it's up to me and my planning.
So, one more week and another US next monday, 4/26. If the cyst has dissipated, we're good for a May 1st start date for my injections. And then everything else subsequently moves back by a week from there.
Mason's happy. We moved the date of his birthday party up by a week. Life goes on.
I went in for my baseline US yesterday and found a small cyst on one of my ovaries. Coupled with an elevated estrogen level means one more week of BCP before I can move on to my injectables. Perfect. That means that my entire cycle is pushed back by a week. My entire life is pushed back by a week. Once again, I'm at the absolute mercy of my body. Completely and utterly out of my control. I guess that'll teach me to think that it's up to me and my planning.
So, one more week and another US next monday, 4/26. If the cyst has dissipated, we're good for a May 1st start date for my injections. And then everything else subsequently moves back by a week from there.
Mason's happy. We moved the date of his birthday party up by a week. Life goes on.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
And the most Infertile Award goes to...
You're sitting in your fertility clinic. You pretend to be completely unaware of the other women sitting next to you. You act as though you have it all together and confident that your day is almost here. Ah, but secretly you're wondering, "What is she here for?" Okay, now before I go any further, you know you don't have to ask about "him" because it's most likely he's there for the same reason as your husband - giving a "sample" for one reason or another. Pretty routine, by now, and you don't think twice about it.
But what about her? Is she there for her first consult? Scared and unsure of what lies ahead? Is she meeting about her first brush with Clomid or Femara or moving right on to injectables? Is she being monitored for an IUI or IVF cycle? Does she feel as alone in this whole mess as you do? Does she feel like the silence in that waiting room is absolutely deafening? Is she looking at you wondering the exact same thing - will I ever have a baby?
Don't lie. You know you've done it. Compared yourself to someone else, that is. It's unavoidable and quite natural to compare ourselves, our lives, our situations to others. But what about our infertility? Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to another infertile? I have.
At the beginning, it was feeling guilty to express my hurt about my own infertility because I already have a child. I didn't want to seem selfish or ungrateful and therefore, I kept silent about the utter devastation that I was experiencing as a result of our diagnosis of unexplained secondary infertility. I lurked on blogs and message boards filled with women whose struggle with primary infertility seemed so much harder than my own. Their longing to have even one child quieted my feelings to have another.
As time has gone by, I've come to realize that my struggle with SIF is just as hard as someone struggling with PIF. The fact that I have SIF doesn't make my journey hurt any less. It doesn't make my IUI or IVF cycle any easier. It doesn't make my injections any less painful or a BFN any less devastating. Comparing and minimizing doesn't help. It only hurts and divides.
I remember going through many of the same feelings when Robert died. There were many friends who would say, "I've only had a miscarriage, so it wasn't as bad for me." Or even those who, although never said directly to my face, I did hear say things like, "Well my friend who was full-term had it so much harder then she did." Once again, comparing and minimizing hurt and pain and loss. What an absolute waste.
Over the last four months, I've had the privilege of moderating an Infertility Forum for TriangleMommies.com. I admit that going into it, I was quite trepidatious. I questioned whether I was the right one to moderate the forum. At that point, I'd only just begun to see my RE and hadn't even done my first IUI or any injections. I didn't feel infertile enough. I wondered what the women in the forum would think of me. Would those who'd been struggling longer or who had gone through more treatments turn up their noses at this newbie? But the fact is that what we all really need is support. Period. And if there's one thing that I love to do, it's to support others. I don't pretend to be the most knowledgeable, the most experienced, the most infertile. But I can be supportive. And by the way, all of the women have been great! I'm so thankful for the love and support that I've received from such wonderful, beautiful women.
We may all be on our own infertility journey, but it's nice to know that we're not alone.
But what about her? Is she there for her first consult? Scared and unsure of what lies ahead? Is she meeting about her first brush with Clomid or Femara or moving right on to injectables? Is she being monitored for an IUI or IVF cycle? Does she feel as alone in this whole mess as you do? Does she feel like the silence in that waiting room is absolutely deafening? Is she looking at you wondering the exact same thing - will I ever have a baby?
Don't lie. You know you've done it. Compared yourself to someone else, that is. It's unavoidable and quite natural to compare ourselves, our lives, our situations to others. But what about our infertility? Do you ever find yourself comparing yourself to another infertile? I have.
At the beginning, it was feeling guilty to express my hurt about my own infertility because I already have a child. I didn't want to seem selfish or ungrateful and therefore, I kept silent about the utter devastation that I was experiencing as a result of our diagnosis of unexplained secondary infertility. I lurked on blogs and message boards filled with women whose struggle with primary infertility seemed so much harder than my own. Their longing to have even one child quieted my feelings to have another.
As time has gone by, I've come to realize that my struggle with SIF is just as hard as someone struggling with PIF. The fact that I have SIF doesn't make my journey hurt any less. It doesn't make my IUI or IVF cycle any easier. It doesn't make my injections any less painful or a BFN any less devastating. Comparing and minimizing doesn't help. It only hurts and divides.
I remember going through many of the same feelings when Robert died. There were many friends who would say, "I've only had a miscarriage, so it wasn't as bad for me." Or even those who, although never said directly to my face, I did hear say things like, "Well my friend who was full-term had it so much harder then she did." Once again, comparing and minimizing hurt and pain and loss. What an absolute waste.
Over the last four months, I've had the privilege of moderating an Infertility Forum for TriangleMommies.com. I admit that going into it, I was quite trepidatious. I questioned whether I was the right one to moderate the forum. At that point, I'd only just begun to see my RE and hadn't even done my first IUI or any injections. I didn't feel infertile enough. I wondered what the women in the forum would think of me. Would those who'd been struggling longer or who had gone through more treatments turn up their noses at this newbie? But the fact is that what we all really need is support. Period. And if there's one thing that I love to do, it's to support others. I don't pretend to be the most knowledgeable, the most experienced, the most infertile. But I can be supportive. And by the way, all of the women have been great! I'm so thankful for the love and support that I've received from such wonderful, beautiful women.
We may all be on our own infertility journey, but it's nice to know that we're not alone.
Pay it Forward Fertility Education Forum
Pay it Forward Fertility is hosting it's first education forum on Saturday, May 8, 2010 from 8:00 am - 3:00 pm at the Crabtree Valley Marriott. The event is for anyone who would like more information on building their family with ART or through adoption. Cost is only $10 when you pre-register ($15 at the door) and includes lunch.
Breakout sessions cover a myriad of applicable topics and gives you the opportunity to explore everything from the basics of infertility all the way to how to pay for both ART and adoption.
To register for this event or for additional information, please visit The Pay it Forward Fertility Forum.
The Pay It Forward Fertility Foundation is a non-profit 501 (c)3 organization that was created to educate couples struggling with fertility issues and help people of various circumstances afford expensive fertility treatments that are not covered by health insurance. The Foundation awards grants once a year to couples who live in North Carolina needing assistance in paying for assisted reproductive techniques such as in vitro fertilization (IVF), in vitro fertilization using donated eggs and embryo adoption. http://www.payitforwardfertility.org/
Friday, April 9, 2010
I'm pooped!
I know that I write mostly about TTC, but there is a whole different part of my life. Because we suffer SIF, yes, that means I am a momma already to an amazing little guy named Mason. He'll be turning five in May and he's the absolute love of my life. My heart yearns for another child and to give Mason a sibling, but ultimately, my heart belongs to Mason.
Since Tuesday, we have been dealing with the Rotavirus around our house and Mason is being absolutely pummeled by this nasty virus. Most of the vomiting has subsided, but oh, the diarrhea! I know, so incredibly gross, but I never even knew that such a little person could go to the bathroom so many times. His little bottom is raw and momma is the only one that he'll let wipe it. You know it's love when you're blowing on your child's butt so you don't have to touch it to dry it and then slabbing on gobs of vaseline to reduce the chafing.
I've seen more poop in the last 4 days than I care to recall, but I mostly just feel so helpless that I can't do anything to make him better and to take away the tummy aches and diarrhea. The worst was having to take him to the ER for IV fluids. I hated to see him poked like that. He was such a brave boy.
And I'm pooped! (both literally and figuratively) I've been sleeping with Mason on an air mattress in the family room so that I can be right there when he needs me. I'm also trying to make sure that Bob gets sleep so he can work the next day. Last night he was hungry at 1 am, ate a piece of toast and threw it up by 3 am. Poor kid! I can't sleep because I wake any time Mason would make a movement or little moan.
I love my Mason so much. If it turns out that he is it for us, I am fulfilled.
Since Tuesday, we have been dealing with the Rotavirus around our house and Mason is being absolutely pummeled by this nasty virus. Most of the vomiting has subsided, but oh, the diarrhea! I know, so incredibly gross, but I never even knew that such a little person could go to the bathroom so many times. His little bottom is raw and momma is the only one that he'll let wipe it. You know it's love when you're blowing on your child's butt so you don't have to touch it to dry it and then slabbing on gobs of vaseline to reduce the chafing.
I've seen more poop in the last 4 days than I care to recall, but I mostly just feel so helpless that I can't do anything to make him better and to take away the tummy aches and diarrhea. The worst was having to take him to the ER for IV fluids. I hated to see him poked like that. He was such a brave boy.
And I'm pooped! (both literally and figuratively) I've been sleeping with Mason on an air mattress in the family room so that I can be right there when he needs me. I'm also trying to make sure that Bob gets sleep so he can work the next day. Last night he was hungry at 1 am, ate a piece of toast and threw it up by 3 am. Poor kid! I can't sleep because I wake any time Mason would make a movement or little moan.
I love my Mason so much. If it turns out that he is it for us, I am fulfilled.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
On our way for April/May IVF!
Bob and I had our IVF nurse education class last Wednesday. Talk about information overload! Poor Bob's head was spinning and I could just tell that he is really looking forward to giving me my progesterone shots (uh, no, not really).
We got our tentative timeline for the cycle and a definitive look at my first few appointments and when I'll begin my stimulating drugs (stims). We made it through the first step - getting AF and beginning BCP. She came on Monday morning and I took my first pill last night. I'll take them for the next two weeks through 4/20. April 20th is also scheduled for my baseline US to ultimately determine if we're good this cycle. I can't imagine that I wouldn't be.
I'll begin my stims on Saturday, 4/24 and from there on, it's a little fuzzy until we get closer. I'll potentially be doing my injections for 8-12 days, depending on my bodies response. Looks like we're using Bravelle again (same as my IUI) due to a very generous donation! I'll couple the Bravelle with Luveris. My next monitoring appt. is scheduled for 4/28. Day 7 of the Bravelle/Luveris, I'll add Ganirelix into the mix until I trigger.
At this point, the dates get a little fuzzy, but they're estimating an egg retrieval (ER) the first week of May (most likely around 5/4 or 5/6). Then it's the embryo transfer (ET) subsequently 3 to 5 days later. We're aiming for a 3-day transfer but we'll see how it goes. I begin a Z-p.ak the day before ER.
I'll start progesterone in oil (PIO) shots the day after ER and yes, Bob has the honor. I've heard they're not fun, but it will be well worth it. I also begin one baby aspirin per day and a cycle of Methyl.prednisolone.
Pregnancy test is scheduled two weeks from ER.
We've still yet to determine exactly how many embryos that we'll transfer, but we're leaning towards two (which is pretty standard).
Please begin to pray that God will prepare my body for what we're about to do. Please also pray that His will be done. Please begin to pray for the little life that will hopefully be joining our family soon.
We got our tentative timeline for the cycle and a definitive look at my first few appointments and when I'll begin my stimulating drugs (stims). We made it through the first step - getting AF and beginning BCP. She came on Monday morning and I took my first pill last night. I'll take them for the next two weeks through 4/20. April 20th is also scheduled for my baseline US to ultimately determine if we're good this cycle. I can't imagine that I wouldn't be.
I'll begin my stims on Saturday, 4/24 and from there on, it's a little fuzzy until we get closer. I'll potentially be doing my injections for 8-12 days, depending on my bodies response. Looks like we're using Bravelle again (same as my IUI) due to a very generous donation! I'll couple the Bravelle with Luveris. My next monitoring appt. is scheduled for 4/28. Day 7 of the Bravelle/Luveris, I'll add Ganirelix into the mix until I trigger.
At this point, the dates get a little fuzzy, but they're estimating an egg retrieval (ER) the first week of May (most likely around 5/4 or 5/6). Then it's the embryo transfer (ET) subsequently 3 to 5 days later. We're aiming for a 3-day transfer but we'll see how it goes. I begin a Z-p.ak the day before ER.
I'll start progesterone in oil (PIO) shots the day after ER and yes, Bob has the honor. I've heard they're not fun, but it will be well worth it. I also begin one baby aspirin per day and a cycle of Methyl.prednisolone.
Pregnancy test is scheduled two weeks from ER.
We've still yet to determine exactly how many embryos that we'll transfer, but we're leaning towards two (which is pretty standard).
Please begin to pray that God will prepare my body for what we're about to do. Please also pray that His will be done. Please begin to pray for the little life that will hopefully be joining our family soon.
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