The Emotional Toll

*I want to preface this post by stating that I am not a medical professional nor can I diagnose depression. I am simply speaking personally about my own experience with infertility and depression.*

TTC can be physically tough, but no one really talks about the emotional toll that it begins to take. It begins to effect every aspect of your life and impacts your family, your marriage, friendships and your relationship with God. It becomes such a part of your life that it begins to feel like another job. It's an exhausting wave of hormones and emotions, rising and falling every month and finally crashing down so hard that you feel like you can't breath. 

Another aspect that women are often afraid to talk about is depression. I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of Robert. Since then, I've had situational depression while grieving his loss. And now, while I wade through the waters of infertility, I must be very aware of how easily depression can begin to creep in again. I think that depression may be easy to overlook because of all that you have going on when you're TTC, especially if you've had losses and infertility issues. Most likely you are on medications (oral or injected), having weekly tests, meeting with specialists. Depression could be disguised as just being tired or hormonal. 

Depression is also still very taboo (hmmm, very much like talking about miscarriage or pregnancy loss is). There is a lot of shame associated with being labeled with depression. But awareness and the ability to open up to your spouse or friends about how you're feeling is a key to keeping depression in check. It's also important to be aware of triggers that may bring on symptoms of depression.  

For me personally, I know what my triggers are and I still fall into the trap of depression. I've been on medication before, but am choosing not to be on anything now while we're TTC. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with being on anti-depressants while TTC or pregnant. This is just a personal choice. There are some things that I'm doing to help with my bouts of depression. First, I read my bible, pray and listen to christian music. Also, I have a few close friends who are aware of what I'm going through and don't let me withdraw (for too long, anyways). Even when I ignore their phone calls for almost a week (yes Jen, I am so appreciative of your love and friendship - I promise to call today!).