Better Late than Never!

My Little Caroler

Okay, so first off, I know how incredibly behind I am in writing on my blog. Between the holidays and starting a new job, it's been a little nutty around here :-)

So I'm backtracking a bit, but over a month ago, Mason was chosen by our local Christian radio station, HIS Radio, to go to the radio station and record a Christmas carol to be played for the month of December. He decided on Away In A Manger, so we practiced for a few days (complete with hand motions so he could remember the words) and then he was ready for his big singing debut! I have the Mp3 file of his sweet little voice, too. If I figure out how to post it, I'll post it later.

And I realize I'm just a little bit biased, but isn't he handsome!

It's Okay to Not be Okay

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, 
just as in fact you are doing." 

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

To say I've been in a funk lately is the understatement of the century. The last few weeks have been tough for me and I've definitely been struggling. It's not one thing in particular, but a culmination of many things that have piled up to make one ginormous pile of doody (I think I stole that expression from Mason). 

And if you're anything like me, no matter how bad you may be feeling or how much you may be struggling, you start off by trying to hide it from everyone around you. Sure, you pray about it, tell yourself that you're surrendering, but it's still there. Hanging over you. Not matter how hard you try to shake it, it's still there.

And you don't ask for help (at least not right away), because then it will show your weakness, make yourself too vulnerable. After all, you're the one who's supposed to be supporting others, encouraging others.

And then, after you put up this front long enough and you can no longer maintain the facade, the cracks begin to show. Maybe not to everyone, but to just a few.

This week, I cracked. Not much, but just enough for my weakness to show to those who loved me and cared about me. 

Within a few days time, I had five, yes, FIVE, friends contact me either in person, over the phone, by text or by email to see what was going on with me. I had told no one how I was feeling. I made no mention that I was struggling or what was going on in the last few weeks. God knew what He was doing.

You see, when you do get into a funk, it's easy to tell yourself that you're alone, that no one cares. But friends are God's way of reminding us of just how close He is to us. When you've invested in strong, Godly relationships (like I'm so thankful I have), He's going to use those around us to pick each other up when we don't have the strength to do it ourselves. God makes himself evident to us through the lives around us. 

I'm very grateful to say that I'm slowly starting to feel much better. I feel like the fog is lifting and although I'm not 100% and the problems and issues that were there before are still here, I'm beginning to cope much better. 

I have to remind myself that it's okay to not be okay; there's no such person as Super Woman. That sometimes I'm going to be the one who needs to be encouraged. That I can't do it one my own. That when I am weak, He is strong.

A Fresh Start

So here I am, at a new blog address, new blog title, new blog design. Sometimes it's nice to have a change.

I wish it were possible for me to be able to simply write my own experiences, my own life, in my own words without people getting on my blog and making it about them, but it's not. So instead of making my blog private, I went this route and seriously doubt there's any chance of these negative people ever finding my here. But if they did (and they'd seriously have to stalk me in order to do so), I guess it is what it is.

So as I do begin to write again on my own blog, I'll preface it with this. It's simply that: my own personal blog. It's my own personal experiences. It's my own personal insight's. It's my own personal faith. It's my record of my life. If you can relate in any way or if it encourages you, that's great. If you think completely different than I do, that's great, too. Agree. Disagree. Read it. Don't read it. I don't care. But take it for what it is.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Day #3 of The 30-day Giving Challenge - Cancer and a hot meal

When I arrived home from Africa, I learned that sadly, one of our neighbors had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I don't know this neighbor well, but we're friendly and would say hi at the pool during the summer and wave in the neighborhood. I do know that she's young, a wife and mother of 3 children. She's a daughter and probably a sister. She has friends and family that have all been affected by her diagnosis. The scope of cancer goes far beyond just her or her immediate family. I hate cancer.

Another neighbor has rallied together the neighborhood to support this woman and her family while she's undergoing Chemo, doing what she can to support her through allowing people to sign-up to bring meals during the week, especially on Chemo days.

So last night, I had the privilege of preparing and bringing a meal to my neighbor and her family. It wasn't much, just a homemade chicken pot-pie, a salad and a chocolate pie, but she and her family were so gracious and so appreciative.

Her head was wrapped with a silk scarf, as she quietly explained that she'd already lost all of her hair. And that although she had a wig, it was more comfortable to go without. I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like.

As I pulled out of her drive-way, my eyes welled up with tears and my thoughts immediately went to my grandma. My mom's mom was diagnosed with cancer at age 50, a few years before I was born. She fought courageously and even after a long bout of remission, lost her battle 15 years later. I, too, remember the silk scarfs that used to wrap  my grandmothers head when she was sick and having treatments. I remember seeing my grandmother, truly the most healthy women I have ever known, grow smaller and more sick as the cancer slowly took her life.

And even though my beautiful Grandma Johnson had cancer and was in and out of remission for the entire time that I had with her, there are two things that stick out to me most about my grandmother, two legacies that she left for me.

First, she left a legacy for Jesus. She didn't just call herself a Christian or "spiritual" (gag), her life spoke volumes to the fact that she loved the Lord and she was a true servant for Jesus. When she asked Jesus into her heart and gave her life to him, it not only changed her life, but the life of her entire family and in ways that she'll never even know. Because then my mom became a Christian. Both her and my grandma began to attend Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) and were even leaders. Then my mom brought me to the children's program of BSF and in May of 1982, at the age of five, I accepted Jesus into my heart. Fast forward to this year and I led my own five year old son to Jesus. My grandma loved Jesus and made sure that everyone around her knew just how important that her relationship was. She understood that even though it's a personal relationship, it not a private one. She knew the power of Christ and wanted to make sure that no one missed it. Talk about a legacy for Christ.

And even more, I spoke to my mom just yesterday and she has started BSF again. She thought that her leader looked familiar and when she went to speak with her, she found out that her leader not only knew my grandmother, but talked about how much she enjoyed her and most importantly, how much she loved the Lord. Hearing that made my day.

The second thing that I remember about my grandma, especially when it came to her battle with cancer, is that she never played the victim. Sure, having cancer was brutal and something that eventually killed her, but she knew that God had a plan for her life and she wasn't about to succumb to the, "Woe is me. I have it worse than everyone else" syndrome that is so prevalent today. I never heard my grandma complain, but I do remember seeing her on her knees in prayer. I'm positive that she struggled, but she ultimately laid it has feet. Even in the midst of her own battle with cancer, she gave of her time and her heart. She was always volunteering or at church. She lived and died with cancer, but made sure that the world knew she was victorious through Christ, not a victim of her circumstances.

Next month marks 20 years since my grandma went to be with the Lord. I miss my grandma.

Day #2 of The 30-day Giving Challenge - Love letters and simple giving

So for my first day of the giving challenge, I decided to start right here at home. And who better to start with than my fabulous husband, Bob. So here's my chance to brag a little bit...

Bob and I have been married for 9 years and together for 10. Bob is not just my husband, but he's everything that God intended for me to have in a partner. He's my confidant. He's my number one cheerleader. He's my comic-relief. He's my lover. He's my best friend. We are not married out of duty or obligation, but our marriage is built on God-principles and based upon love and respect. Do we have the "perfect marriage"? Absolutely not! No one does! But we are acutely aware of just how imperfect we are and we come to the cross daily to leave our marriage at His feet.

And above all else, Bob is the spiritual leader of our home. He puts everything in it's natural order: God, wife, children and then everything else. I'm incredibly proud of the man that Bob is and I love watching him become such an incredible man of God. I am so proud to have Bob as my husband.

But I also realize the important role that I have as his wife. God has placed me by Bob's side as his helper and encourager. Bob needs to know that I support him and love him and that I'm proud of him. He needs to know that he's appreciated and that I recognize how hard that he works for me and for our family.

I love writing Bob love letters, but in the last few months, I've started leaving messages with a dry erase marker on both Bob's and Mason's bathroom mirrors. It's my little love letter to the men in my life. So here was yesterday's message (and no laughing at the pet name!):

"Always know how much I love you. 

I'm so proud of you.

Love, Sugarplum"

I realize that often times the best gift that I can give to my husband is the gift of encouragement. It may be a simple, "Thank you." Or maybe a written note that I hide somewhere in the house for him to find. Or maybe a love letter written to him on the bathroom mirror, just so he knows how much I love him and just how proud I am to be his wife. The smallest gestures can be the biggest gift in someone's life.

And while I'm here, I'll report what I've already given for Day #2...

A few weeks ago I befriended a homeless kid outside of BJ's. His name is Lindsay and he's 18 years old. He spent his life in the foster care system and recently aged out, only to end up out on the streets. I keep looking for him every time I'm in that area, but haven't seen him again since. Since that day, I've started keeping a large bag in my car full of clean clothes and old jackets, blankets and food. In the event that I see Lindsay again, I'll have some things to pass along to him (as well as some resources that I've since found out about for him). 

I looked for Lindsay today, but I didn't see him. However, I did see another man on a corner that is frequented by homeless men and women, especially now that the weather has become cold. At that red light, I was able to give this man a few t-shirts, a sweater, a blanket and a bag full of snacks and food. It took little to no effort for me to put the bag together and have it available if I saw someone in need.

What will Day #3 bring?

My weekend in photos

We had such a busy weekend, so I thought I'd share the photos from our fun-filled, Halloween weekend!
Enjoy!

Fun on the farm on Mason's Field trip

Time to carve the pumpkin (and take out the brains, as Mason would say!)

The Annual Neighborhood Halloween Party

(I LOVE my neighborhood!)

Halloween Dinner and Trick-or-Treating with friends

(and yes, it is impossible to get eight kids to look at the camera at once, but at least Mason's smiling!)

The 30-day Giving Challenge

Nobody can do everything, but everyone can do something. 
~ Author Unknown

Today is November 1st and if you're anything like me, you already feel flung head first into the upcoming holiday season. I love the holidays. Spending time with friends and loved ones. The festive decorating. Choosing that perfect gift for your spouse and children. The food! Ah, so many things to love and yet, so many things to stress over. Like, stressful times with family. All the time it takes to decorate (which, we as moms and women do most of!). Buying gifts on a budget. And gaining weight from all that food!

With Thanksgiving being only 3.5 weeks away, most of us begin to think about just how thankful we are. And while it's important to be thankful, it really puts the focus on us, "I'm thankful for ..." After all, there are two parts to Thanksgiving; the "thanks" part and the "giving" part. This month, I'm committing to the latter part of the word, the "giving" part. This month I'm committing to the 30-day Giving Challenge. Simply put, it's just what it sounds like. I'm taking each day during the month of November and I'm consciously making the effort to give. Give my time. Give my money. Give my resources. Just give of my heart. Let me be very clear that my giving has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Jesus. I will listen and respond to the promptings of the holy spirit. I'm pledging to God that I will continue to say yes to all the little things and that it will all be to His glory. Period.

I'm pretty excited to see where God will take me this month. He's already got ideas swirling around in my head, but I'm not going to share them here just yet because I don't want to ruin the surprise if I'm planning something for someone who reads my blog. You'll just have to wait and read what God does this month and I pledge to post about it everyday.

So I'm wondering who will join me? What can you do this month above and beyond what you normally do? How can you sacrificially give this month to His glory? Don't think of it as a service project or something to cross off your list but of something you get to do.

Here's to an awesome month of giving!

I can't put put my finger on it

I returned on Thursday evening from my trip to Uganda. Why is it then that I don't feel as though I've really returned? I keep telling myself that it's jet lag or just getting re acclimated after the trip, but it's definitely something more; I just can't seem to put my finger on it.

Everyone wants to know how it went. What did I see? What did I do? Expressing that they can't wait to see the photos. And of course, this is all great. But I know for sure that I'm still processing it all. That it's not merely a series of stories and that the photos can't possibly capture all that I'm feeling after traveling to Uganda. I can't seem to put my finger on it.

I know that this is where I live. That this is where my family and friends are. But why do I feel so out of place? As if my heart caught a glimpse of something more and keeps nagging at me, not allowing me forget what it saw and heard and felt.

My world is bigger now than my little town in North Carolina or than the United States. I've seen what's outside and now I'm obligated to do something about it. I can no longer claim ignorance or any other excuse. Because after all, that's what they are - excuses.

I can't ignore the fact that I've held and played with precious children with AIDS, orphaned by parents who've died of AIDS or Malaria or some other preventable disease. I can't pretend that I've never seen firsthand the distended bellies of starvation or the crying two-year old little girl that I gave my Luna bar to, her tears from an empty belly. There are no more excuses.

I kept a journal during my trip, just so I could remember what I was doing and where I was during each day. I'll begin to share a little bit each day, just so I can take my time to process it all and so I can share with everyone about my trip to Uganda. It's my trip through my eyes.

In conclusion today, I want to share a song with you that played on repeat in my head while I was in Africa. A few weeks before I left, I won tickets to see a concert with Matthew West, Josh Wilson and Jonny Diaz (I know, right? What an awesome line-up!) Matthew's newest single from his new album is called "My Own Little World" and the lyrics kept playing in my head while I was there. Beyond even my time there, how does it translate here back at home? God knows my heart and already knows how much I give, but can I be giving and doing more? I think I already know the answer to that question.

We all need training wheels

I've been so busy with the first few meetings of MOPS, getting ready for my trip to Africa and preparing ahead for October 15th Raleigh that I haven't been on mine or any other blogs in weeks.

October is here and in North Carolina, the first hints of fall have arrived. We woke up this morning in the 50's and I'm absolutely loving it! Fall is my favorite time of the year. Mason has been begging to take his training wheels of his bike so he can practice before we move to a "bigger boy" bike, and it's the perfect weekend to do so. Did I mention how much I love the fall!

Mason is a bit of a dare devil and has little fear, but it just hasn't felt right until now to take off the training wheels. We needed to know that he was ready. We didn't give Mason his first bike at 3 without training wheels because we knew he wasn't ready. He needed to practice, to get a feel for the ride. He needed to learn to peddle and turn and stop. It's all a process and had we taken the bike out of the box and simply said, "Ride!",  he would not have been ready. He needed to attain the experience and confidence that only time can build. In fact, pushing him too soon may have adversely effected his experience and confidence. Mason is now five. His balance is better now. He can stop on his own if needed. He's already fallen a few times and he knows the risks, but he's willing to try. And most importantly, he knows that Bob and I are still there with him if he needs us. After all, we're his parents and we love him and know what's best for him.

Aren't you glad that God is the same kind of loving parent to us? He loves us so much and knows what we need, when we need it. He gets us ready for what's ahead, for what we can't even see. But He sees it. We have this minute perspective on our lives, but he sees the big picture. We may be thinking, "But I want it right now!" or "Why do I have to struggle like this?" But all along, in ways we can't even fathom, He's preparing our hearts for what's ahead.

And His timing is perfect. In all His love and wisdom, He slowly prepares us for what's ahead, in ways we may not see until we're there. But there are no accidents. God doesn't screw up. He just needs us to trust that He has it under control. But I do have to warn you: It's going to be uncomfortable. We're going to be so tired that we can't possibly go any farther. We're going to fall and it's going to hurt. But then there He is, right beside us. Encouraging us. Holding us. Carrying us through. And even when we finally get that point where we say, "Okay, I CAN do this," we know that we don't do it alone, that we can't. That He's still there right beside us, loving and guiding us through it all. I guess we all need training wheels.

When I return from Africa, our family will begin the paperwork and home studies for adoption. We are not pulled one way or the other towards domestic vs. international adoption, but we have decided to begin with domestic infant adoption. Had you asked me (and I was asked, many times) two years or even one year ago if I was open to adoption, I would have said, "no" (and yes, to the countless conversations in the last two years, this had been my response). But what I know now is that I just wasn't ready. God needed to prepare me. He needed to prepare my heart, my mind and my soul for adoption. He needed me to be ready before He brought us to this place. He brought me through the utter devastation and heartache of losing a son to two years of infertility and failed fertility treatments in order to get me right to this place. Was it painful? You bet! Did I ask a whole lot of "why's?" Without a doubt! But is He faithful? Absolutely!

What I've come to discover is that I am not alone in this process. I have met and talked to countless women and families who have traveled similar journeys. That when you suffer from infertility and God closes that door, He very often opens the door of adoption. What a beautiful thing! It's not hopeless. He hears our cries and He loves us so much and loves orphans so much that He has a way to fulfill the promise of our family. He sees Mason's broken heart of so desperately wanting a little sister and He fills that desire.

Romans 8:15 (The Message) tells us, "You received God's spirit when He adopted you as His own children. Now we call Him, "Abba Father!"" 


If you have been born-again and asked Jesus to be your Lord and Savior (these being the literal words of Jesus in John 3:7. And yes, He is the only way, John 14:6), then you are in fact adopted into the family of God! We are not born His children, but when we say "yes" to all that He has for us, He adopts us as His forever children. What a beautiful promise.

So, long story long, I'm grateful that God is so patient. I'm so grateful for His grace and His sovereignty. I'm so grateful that I don't have to do this on my own. I'm so very grateful for training wheels.

Too good not to share

I receive a daily devotional called Daily Hope from Rick Warren of a Purpose Driven Connection. I'm always amazed at how God can use the Word and devotionals from Godly men and women to speak into my life, right where I am.

Yesterday's devotional was titled, "Don't Let Bitterness Weaken Your Life." It got me thinking of how easily that even followers of Christ could be become bitter and mean if we allow it. Can you imagine how hard it must be for those who don't know Jesus? I don't even want to.

So today I'd like to share this devotion from Rick Warren. My take-away: you don't have to fight. If you are truly a Christ-follower and live a spirit-led life, God fights the battles for you. You can completely surrender the anger, hurt and feelings of revenge for a peace that God has it all under control. Getting even is a waste because He's already won. What would happen if you stopped reacting? There'd be nothing to fight. Sure, people can still say or make up anything they want, but it doesn't make it true. And you can be sure that even if everyone believes the lies, God still knows the truth. Anyone can fly off the handle, but a wise person uses self-control. 

Don't Let Bitterness Weaken Your Life 

By Rick Warren

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” 

Proverbs 29:11 (NIV)

The biblical strongman Samson had one extraordinary weakness: his primary motivation in life was simply to get revenge. His life was full of resentment and anger and so he was always reacting violently to people.

We see this several times in Judges 15. In verse 3, Samson said (v. 3), “This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines.” Then, he says (v. 5), “Since you acted like this I won’t stop until I get my revenge on you.” Finally, in verse 11, he gives an excuse that is typical of a weak person (v. 11), “He answered, ‘I merely did to them what they did to me.’”

That was Samson's modus operandi: he was always reacting. When you spend your entire life reacting to people instead of making your own choices, it will weaken your life. “I merely did to them what they did to me.” Have you ever used that excuse?When you think about it, resentment -- getting even -- is a waste.
It's a waste of time. The whole time you're mad, the person you're upset toward is totally oblivious to it. Resentment always hurts you more than it does the other person.
It's a waste of energy. You spend all that energy getting upset that you get depressed, fatigued, you run out of energy, and you're tired all the time. But worst of all …
It’s a waste of creativity. Most of us, when we’re angry at somebody, we become extremely creative, thinking of ways to get back at that person.

When you look at Samson's life, you see a guy pretty creative at getting even. In Judges 15:3-5, "Samson said to them, `This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines. I will really harm them.' So he went out and caught 300 foxes and tied them tail to tail in pairs. Then he fastened a torch to every pair of tails. He lit the torches and let the foxes loose standing in the grain of the Philistines and he burned up all the shocks and the standing grain together with the vineyards and olive groves."

That's pretty creative! But that creativity ultimately led to his captivity and death. What's the lesson out of Samson's life? It’s better to control your anger and choose to act rather than react against everybody. Or as Proverbs 29:11 says "A fool gives full vent to his anger. But a man of understanding controls himself." 

Welcome to the world, sweet Caleb!

For you created my inmost being; 

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

your works are wonderful, 

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you 

when I was made in the secret place. 

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body. 

All the days ordained for me 

were written in your book 

before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

I woke up Monday morning to a text on my cell phone from my best friend Steph in Florida - she'd delivered her baby boy early that morning. The only catch; she was only 29 weeks pregnant. I became frantic, calling and texting her to make sure that she and the baby were alright. I received a return text that he was doing okay and that she'd call when she could, but I just wanted to hear her voice. No, I really just wanted to be there to give her a hug, hold her hand and pray with her. I finally spoke with her the following afternoon and heard the crazy story of of how baby Caleb came into the world 11 weeks early, still marveling at God's hand in it all.


Steph and I have been friends for 15 years. We met our freshman year of college at Palm Beach Atlantic College (well, I think it's now "University"). We were both English majors and what started off as a fun, casual friendship my first year away from home has turned into a friend for life. She's always my biggest cheerleader (except for Bob, of course) and the one I can trust to tell me the truth. We've been there for each other through it all and although we can't always be together physically, I know that we are linked as sisters through a mutual love, respect and most importantly, the same heavenly father. 


Little Caleb is such a beautiful reminder that we have a loving God and that we aren't some cosmic accident. To know that we are so special to Him, that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made". The evidence is all around us and so apparent, but I believe that it is magnified for moms. To look at our children is to see the amazing love of a heavenly father who loves our kids even more than we do (if we can even imagine that!) It still amazes me that someone wouldn't be able to see Him. But then again, I think we all can. It's just that some choose to deny Him and miss out on all that He really wants for us in this life and beyond. 


I love you, Steph. You're already an amazing mommy! 

Loving the Unlovable

"Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. 

Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you." 

Luke 6:27-28 (NLT)

I'm sure that without exception, we all have at least one person in our lives that is, well, unlovable. Or at the very least, extremely hard to love. I have someone like that in my life. 

While my natural, human inclination is to want to fire-back or defend myself, I know that that's not what honors God. Oh, believe me, you have no idea how tough it can be at times! I often find myself asking God what He could possibly be teaching me by having such a hurtful person in my life. Someone who is so cruel and cunning. Someone who lies and deceives. How can I keep loving someone like this? How am I supposed to love my enemy? On my own, I can't. But with Him, I can.

What if I were able to see this person through His eyes and not my own? What if I were able to see beyond the tough exterior, harsh language and see the heart of this person? If I closed my eyes for just a moment and saw this person as they really are: Broken. Hurt. Alone. Scared. Insecure. Sad. Lost. In need of a Savior. 

And with that, I am very quickly humbled in realizing just how unlovable I am, too. We love and continue to love, without exception, because He loved us first. We love even those who are unlovable, because most often, those are the ones who need it the most. 

"Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah 6:8

I'm going to Africa. Wow! I had absolutely no idea that when I said "yes" to whatever or wherever God had for me, it would mean half a world away.

During October 3-14, I will be traveling with a team from my church to share the Gospel in Uganda. We've partnered with an organization called Arise Africa in the village of Jinja, about an hour outside the capital city of Kampala. During our stay, we'll spend mornings ministering to the children in the village through songs and crafts, and just loving on them. Afternoons will be spent in the neighborhoods doing Hut-to-hut ministry, sharing the Gospel. And perhaps where my heart is most gripped, we'll spend a few days in a local orphanage.

All because I said yes, God wants to use me. Me. A broken women with a closed womb will go across the world to hold and love little ones with no mommy or daddy. Do you think God is stretching me? Do you think He's preparing my heart for His ways and not my own? Do you think that He has a greater plan than I could ever imagine on my own? That would be a resounding "Yes!"

While there is a financial need aspect to me going on this trip (like raising $2,500 by mid-September), even greater is the need for prayer. I am asking those out there in the blog-world to pray for me and this trip. Please pray for our team for travel mercies. Please pray that God will prepare my heart for the mission at hand, that is, sharing the Gospel with people who may have never even heard the name Jesus. Please pray that His ways will be my ways. Please pray that I will be open to everything and more that God needs for me to be available to do. Please pray His will be done.

God DOES have a sense of humor!

Around 6 weeks ago we noticed that one of our furry boys, Grant, wasn't looking so hot. He's on the smallish side as it is, but he was really dropping weight and he didn't have his usual "oomph".  He was also having issues with depth-perception. He's usually like a panther, but he'd go to jump to the counter and then to above the cabinets and literally wouldn't be able to make it. Something was definitely wrong.

Come to find out that our sweet kitty has diabetes. After 4 days at the vet, antibiotics and insulin, he finally was able to come home and we began a new normal for one of our cats. Scheduled feedings, glucose checks and.... twice daily insulin shots! Yep, I've gone from injecting myself to injecting my cat! I think it's hilarious!

I'll never forget when the Vet was getting ready to discharge him and wanted to have us give him a shot before we left, just to make sure that we could do it. Which of course, I had no problem doing! She also looked a little perplexed that I knew what an IU was.

So I'm convinced that God really does have a sense of humor. And for that, I am very thankful.

One Minute Sermon

I'm loving this One Minute Sermon by Tamara Lowe! What's even funnier is that this was taped at my old home church, Christ Fellowship, in Palm Beach Gardens, FL!

Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It

I think it's fair to say that my new favorite, two-word catch phrase is "radical obedience." Or maybe my life phrase? Or better yet, my God phrase. But what exactly does radical obedience mean? Sounds a little scary, a little "radical"?

In her book, What Happens When Women Say Yes to God, author Lysa Terkeurst describes radical obedience as this - "Obedience becomes radical when we say, "Yes, God, whatever You want," and mean it. We release our grip on all we love and offer it back to Him, who loves us more. And it is into these upturned hands that God will pour out His blessings- His abundant, unexpected, radical blessings. Soon, saying yes to God will no longer be a discipline of your heart but rather the delight of your life." (Terkeurst, 53) Can I get an Amen! Wow! Can you even begin to imagine what a life of radical obedience looks like? Can you begin to get a glimpse of all that Christ wants for us when we simply admit that it's all His? Everything! Our  spouse, our kids, our time, our resources, our money, the big decisions, the small decisions, the mundane. Everything!

And while the very idea of radical obedience may seem foreign to so many, it should not be to followers of Jesus. When we chose to die to self and follow Him, our decision included surrender. And now from the love we have for all that He has done for us, the natural, overflow response of our hearts should be radical obedience. It should be.

But what keeps us from true surrender and radical obedience? You name it: selfishness, pride, control, bitterness, self-righteousness, etc. And the list goes on. The bottom line for all of us is sin. Uh-oh! There she goes using that sin word again. And while I realize that that word makes many people uncomfortable, that's the only word for it. We are sinners. But do you know the good news? The incredible awesome news that changes hearts and lives? Jesus! Through Him and Him alone, I can be radically obedient. After all, radical obedience has nothing at all to do with me and everything to do with Him.

Radical Obedience is not for the faint of heart. Saying "Yes" to God in everything and in all situations will promise to take you to a new level with God; a level where you've never been before. He'll stretch you. He'll challenge you. He'll ask you to do things that are contrary to your humanness and sinful nature. Are you ready? This is most likely where He'll lose many people. And for a long time, this is where He lost me.

I'm a Christ-follower. I believe that Jesus is who He says He is. I'm a member of Journey Church. I serve. I tithe. I strive to live a life pleasing to God. But when it came down to it, I still wasn't in complete surrender in all things at all times. I still wanted control. As they say, this journey is a marathon, not a sprint. And during this process, God has been working on me in ways that I never could have fathomed.

Canceling IVF was only the beginning. God's challenging Bob and I with how we spend our money. He's challenging us with how we spend our time. He's challenging us with our families and friendships and neighbors. He's challenging us to have an eternal perspective and vision.

"Our life will follow where we choose to focus our vision. If we are serious about radical obedience, about having having a vision that's God inspired, then we must keep our focus on Christ. When Christ speaks, me must listen. When He compels us to give, we must do so freely. When He reminds us to get past trivial matters, we must let our pride fall away. When He invites us to leave the world behind, we must follow Him." (Terkeurst, 119-120)

Are you willing to take on God's vision? Are you willing to say "Yes" to God?

IVF: A privilege or a right?

I thought many of you may be interested in a Newsweek article out last week, Should IVF Be Affordable for All? Although I'm not a fan of Newsweek AT ALL, I do think that this article poses some very interesting questions and concerns that many of us in the Infertility Community have been contemplating for years.


So after reading this article this morning, it definitely got my blood boiling. This paragraph in particular did it for me:


"David Fleming, director of the Center for Health Ethics at the University of Missouri, says the main concern with making fertilization affordable for more people is the risk of “commoditization” of babies. “The more you have access, the more people will do it,” says Fleming. “The concern is that we are placing these little humans in danger,” he says. “IVF, with all due respect—is it a question of need or a question of want?”" (Skoch, Iva; http://www.newsweek.com/2010/07/20/should-ivf-be-affordable-for-all.html)


Is is a question of want or need? Are you kidding me? Is he actually implying that I'm making a choice to have children like I would if I were deciding on a new pair of boobs? And I'm sorry buddy, but it's the  Doctors, NOT the patients, that have turned the idea of having babies into a commodity and business by charging astronomical amounts of money for IVF or other fertility treatments. 


So, what are your thoughts on this article on this lovely Monday morning?

One of those weeks

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 (NLT)

I admit that it's been a tough week for me. I'm just not myself. I've cried a lot more in the last week than I have in months. I think that one of the unfortunate downsides of always being the encourager is that people have the misconception that you always have it together, which I clearly don't.

I'm really missing Robert right now. August is creeping up on me and it's amazing to me how quickly all those memories and the pain come crashing down on you when you least expect it. Maybe it's that AF reared her ugly head and I've been a raging lunatic. Maybe I'm still emotional that Mason has started Kindergarten. Or maybe I'm just a heartbroken momma who misses her son.

Waiting Room

There's no denying that God uses music to speak my heart. I was driving yesterday when I heard Waiting Room by Jonny Diaz and I knew instantly that God is continuing to confirm our decision to voluntarily cancel IVF and to trust in His plan for our family.


Waiting Room (lyrics)

Here in this waiting room yearning for You to say go
And though I’m convinced that a yes would be best
This time You’re telling me no

It’s not that I don’t have an answer
It’s just not the one that I’d like
But through this time Lord I must keep in mind
You’re always wiser than I

You have a much better purpose
And You have a far greater plan
And You have a bigger perspective
Cause You hold this world in your hands

The things that I seek are from You
Like the strong healing touch of your hand
But when You say no help me trust even though
There’s a reason I can’t understand

When that miracle comes cause Your answer is yes
I will praise you for all of my days
But when Your wisdom declares that a no is best
I will praise You just the same

I'm an ICLW Virgin!

This is my first month participating in ICLW, so if you haven't been to my blog before, welcome!

Here's a little background on me and our infertility journey:

I'm Katy and I've been married for almost 9 years to the love of my life, Bobby. Bob and I met at work and started a secret, office romance in July, 2000. We were married a year later in October, 2001. We focused on life as a newly married couple, buying our first home, etc. We waited three years to begin TTC. In September, 2004, after only two cycles of TTC, we conceived twins on our own. Unfortunately, I m/c one baby at eight weeks and was expected to lose both. But after a week of bed rest and an U/S, there was our sweet son, Mason. Mason was born in May, 2005.

Over the next few years, we had a lot of transition. I lost my dad just 6 months after Mason was born. Bob changed jobs and we moved from FL to NC. We went back and forth about when we'd start TTC again for another child. In March, 2008, I had my Mirena removed and it was estimated that we had conceived again within only a week. Sadly, I delivered our second son, Robert, still at almost 20 weeks. We had extensive genetic testing done, as well as autopsy of Robert and the placenta. My son was perfect. It was a fluke. They never were able to give us a definitive answer about why our son had died.

Even with the grief of losing our son still heavy on our hearts, we began TTC again just 8 weeks after Robert had died. At the sixth month mark, we were advised by my OB to come in and talk about possible intervention. I began on Clomid, even though I was O'ing on my own. After a few months of Clomid, I moved on the Femara. Next came the HSG; free and clear. Finally, there was nothing left that my OB could do and I was referred for the first time to a RE.

Between the time of the referral and getting an appt. with a RE, Bob's job was part of a buy-out and he would now be employed by a new company. We learned then that our insurance had gone from $20,000 in fertility diagnosis and treatment with his old company to no fertility coverage with his new company. We were devastated.

I first saw Dr. Meyer at Carolina Conceptions in November, 09 and it was then that I was formally diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility. Basically, I can't get pregnant and they can't tell me why. I did my first IUI with injectables in December, 09; BFN. We were advised to go directly to IVF.

We took some time to regroup and to figure out how to pay for IVF. In March, 2010, we officially began to move forward with IVF. Unfortunately, my IVF cycle was cancelled and converted to another IUI, due to poor ovarian response. Also another BFN.

We went right into another cycle, a flare cycle this time. I was on BCP's for an entire month. Just as we were to begin my new cycle of Stims, God was confirming for us that IVF is not what He had planned for us. After a lot of prayers and tears, we voluntarily cancelled our IVF cycle. That was three weeks ago.

So now, we patiently wait for what's next for our family. I'm letting God be God, and being obedient to what He wants to do. We're keeping our hearts and minds open and excited to see where He wants to take our family.

For a more extensive timeline of tests, procedures, etc., please feel free to check out My Fertility Journey So Far.

If you've gotten to this point, perhaps you may even leave a comment ;-)

In the Name of Concern?

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." Psalm 139:23 (NIV)


We recently had an incident in our neighborhood where a residents home was raided on charges of child pornography. This is the home with four children under the age of ten, so needless to say, we've all as neighbors been quite concerned. As to be expected, word has spread like fire from neighbor to neighbor like a game of Telephone. You can't seem to escape the constant chatter.

While talking to a close friend and neighbor about the incident, her words were striking to me. While she also had the same concerns that everyone has right now, she flatly stated that what we're really doing is gossiping. Ouch! How convicting and how true!

So that got me wondering, "How many times have I disguised gossip in the name of concern?" 


Unfortunately, I believe that Christians are some of the worst offenders when it comes to this topic. What seems like harmless talk of a sister in need can quickly spiral into full-on gossip. In all fairness, I don't think (in most instances, that is) that we set out to gossip. But if we're not careful to guard our hearts, how rapidly an otherwise benign conversation can turn into our own sin.

So how do we keep our hearts in check when it comes to gossip? We do what David did in Psalm 139:23 and do a daily heart-check with God. We allow Him to test us in order that we can see where we've allowed the gaps where the enemy can get inside.

I've yet to meet anyone who really likes tests. Even the best students get nervous at the prospect of a test. Medical tests can be painful and uncomfortable. But the bottom line is that tests always serve a purpose. They allow us to see our knowledge (or lack there of). They reveal a medical condition. Tests bring results. So while tests are not fun, they are necessary to learn, grow and for the good of our overall health. We must be willing to allow God to know and test our hearts.

For me personally, it's very important that I set guidelines for myself in order to keep my heart in check. If I find myself getting drawn into a conversation about someone else, I need to stop and ask myself, "What is the reason and motive behind this conversation?"
"Is this edifying in building someone up, or am I tearing someone down?"
"Is this something that I would say if the person were standing in front of me?"
"Is this really any of my business?"

I also have to remind myself that even saying nothing at all yet still listening is also taking part in gossip.

I've learned the hard way just how damaging gossip can be. I've been on both sides of gossip, as the gossiper and the gossipee, and both don't feel good and are incredibly damaging to a person's spirit. God has convicted me more than I'd like to admit about gossip and yet, If I'm not careful, I can easily find myself in the midst of gossip.

Lord, today I invite you to search my heart and test me when it comes to gossip. Help me to guard my heart and consider my motives when I speak of others. Amen

"First Day of School! First Day of School!"

Mason's all ready for Kindergarten!

I can hardly believe it, but I am now officially the mom of a Kindergartner! Yikes! How did five years go by that quickly? Mason had his first day of Kindergarten yesterday (and yes, we do year-round schools here) and he did, well, fantastic! I, on the other hand, took it a little harder.

I totally cried! (only in the car on the way there) He's my little guy. My buddy. He's Momma's Mason. But he was great! He gave me a kiss and said goodbye and that was it. He's so ready to be in school. He's Mr. Social, he's reading and loves to learn. So I begin to understand that he is God's first and I slowly let go of all the things I can't control and simply trust in a loving Lord who loves my son even more than I do.

Mason coming downstairs (with a huge smile) on his first day of school

Momma and Mason

Mason and Daddy

I have had the absolute privilege of being a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) with Mason and it has blessed my socks off. I've enjoyed every minute of being with him and watching him grow into such a beautiful, strong boy. As a mom, life happens so fast as you watch your little one get older. Even so, I still find myself asking,"Could I have done more? Savored more of the moments?"

And as absolutely blessed I know I am to be able to do this even once, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever do it again. I think that somewhere inside, I'm a little worried that I was careless at times thinking I'd have another child here with me by the time Mason went to school. I thought I'd have this one covered. It's just one more example of how our future is in God's hands and not our own.

So I embrace this new season of my life, even with all of its uncertainty. I treasure what's happening now with a hopeful expectation of what's to come.

God said No

By now, I should be in the heat of injectables and monitoring visits. I should be getting closer to the actual ER and then, the ET. I should be wigging out on hormones and stressing about dates and scheduling... but I'm not. Bob and I voluntarily cancelled our IVF cycle.

But why? The short and sweet answer: God said no. Of course, wrapped within that reality is a lot of emotion and questions that we may never fully know that answers to, but continue to have faith in the Lord and trust that He and He alone has this all figured out.

On Thursday, June 24th, Bob and I went to our IVF Nurse Education class as scheduled. But something felt, well, different. I didn't have the same joy and excitement of what we were embarking upon. I felt scared and stressed. I admit that both Bob and I weren't in the best of moods that day (just having "one of those days") and we hadn't even prayed together before we went to the appointment. And then beneath the voices of fear playing out in my head, there was a soft voice simply saying, "No." It wasn't screaming or yelling. It was calm and almost a whisper, but it was very clear, "This is not what I have planned for you." Once again, I tried to dismiss it as fear or the tension between Bob and I.

I got home and went directly to my bedroom and locked the door. I felt exhausted and defeated; I began to cry. I wondered why I was feeling like this. I knew what we were told by the doctors, that IVF was our last and only chance at conceiving again. I knew what we had gone through to save and move money from retirement to pay for IVF. I asked God, "But why?"

I sat down on my bed and opened my bible study to my newest chapter and began to read. Then two words jumped off the page: Radical Obedience. I began to sob. I knew then that God was confirming what the holy spirit was saying to me. He was asking me to give this up and to Him; completely. Period. I cried and argued with God, telling Him all the things I knew about where we've been over the last two years - losing Robert, unexplained secondary infertility, and no baby without IVF. But He knows all of this already. He knows where we've been, what He's asking us to do and where He wants to take us. He fully understands what a sacrifice this is for us. And He already knows the outcome. In my finite view, I can only see the now. But in His infinite wisdom, love and mercy, He knows my future.

Later that evening, I very nervously shared with Bob what I believe God was asking us to do. We talked and cried together. But ultimately, we both knew that we needed to cancel our IVF cycle. God also revealed some very important things to us as a couple and individually. We felt that God was saying that the desire to have another baby in and of itself is not wrong, but desiring it more than God IS. Solely desiring God more than anything else is what He is asking of us and we were allowing other things (even if they were good things) to get in the way of desiring Him first. God doesn't take second place. He wants top billing in our hearts or nothing at all. He wants Radical Obedience in all aspects of our lives, even (or maybe I should say, especially) when it makes no sense or it seems so contrary to what we should do.

So what now? We keep praying and keep trusting in Him and Him alone. We pray for guidance and continually listen for His voice. And, we wait. I don't know exactly where God is taking us, but I don't have to. And I have to admit, it's pretty exciting embarking on this new journey. Exciting to see what He'll bring our way. Exciting to stay in tune to the divine appointments that He brings across our paths everyday. Exciting to stay radically obedient.

Please continue to pray for Bob and I and for our family.

With a Grateful Heart

"Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way that God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live." (Thessalonians 5:16-18 - The Message)

As a parent, helping your child to develop a grateful heart is a challenge. It's more than just getting them to say thank you after they receive a gift. I'm talking about a heart that is thankful in all circumstances, no matter what they have or what they don't have.

Of course, this is one of those lessons that is best learned by example. So if I want to teach Mason to be grateful, I need to search my own heart to see if I am being thankful in all circumstances, no matter what I have or don't have. Ouch! Talk about a heart-check! How many times in a day do I think to myself, "Gee, I wish I had that instead of what I have." How often do I compare what I have to someone else? How often do I covet someone else's situation or relationship or things? The short answer: too often.

Mason's getting to the age where he understands that items have a monetary value. He sees Bob and I pay for things and he recognizes that when I give someone cash or use my debit card, I can walk out of the store with what's in my cart. But how do I get him to understand that what we have is not who we are?

Everything in our home and in the life of our family begins with God. It's God's home. It's God's car. It's God's money. And when we talk about how everything we have is God's, we also make sure that Mason knows that we don't deserve anything that we have; everything is a gift. Everything we have is a gift from God. We also need him to know (while we're constantly reminding ourselves) that we need to be grateful for every gift that God has given us. Because as quickly as He can bless us, just as quickly it can be gone. But if we place our worth in Jesus and not stuff or to what happens to us, we won't be let down and it can never be taken away from us.

I'm always shocked at how people actually attach their self-worth to things or to circumstances. A home. A car. A job. Health. Or even a person. I'm not saying that these things aren't important at all or that we're selfish to care about them. We're actually commanded to be good stewards of the gifts that God gives us. But I am saying that putting all of our trust in these things will fail us every time. Because what happens when one or more of them fails? What if we lose a job and then we lose our home? What if a child dies or a spouse gets sick? If we've put everything in those people or circumstances or things and it all falls apart? Then what?

And then in turn, what are we teaching our children if we show them that things or circumstances are all that matter? When we put the ultimate value on stuff, we are teaching our children that when they receive things, then they are loved. When they get gifts, then they are valued. And if we tell them what it costs or the monetary value of the gift, then we are attaching a price to their self-worth. What a sad, irresponsible lesson I would be teaching Mason if I did this. I can't even begin to imagine the joy I'd be stealing from him if I taught him that there was a price-tag attached to his self-worth.

I love that Mason thinks it's a big deal to get a quarter for the bubble-gum machine at the mall. I love that a $20 bill is like hitting the mother-load. It's my job to continue to teach him to be grateful in all things. It's my responsibility to be continually thankful to God for the countless ways that He's blessed, and continues to bless, our family. It's then our job to bless other's back.

In order for Mason to learn to be grateful, he not only needs to see that Bob and I are living grateful lives, but that we are blessing others with the blessings of God. I think that's actually the key to this lesson. Mason needs to know that momma and daddy tithe. He needs to understand that we give each month to our precious African son and brother, Darius, through World Vision. Mason needs to know that his parents volunteer on a regular basis to ministry opportunities. Mason needs to see thanksgiving and love in action.

Now before you think you see a halo around our family, let me stop you right there. We are so far from hitting the mark on a regular basis. We strive and fail. But we keep striving and rely on the love and hope  of Jesus to keep us going. It's a process, and I'm so "grateful" for God's grace.

Forgiven - Sanctus Real

As a follow-up to yesterday's post... enjoy!

Six Words

I think it's safe to say that I've identified six of the toughest words to say in the english language - "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

But why exactly is it so hard? We all know that we're not perfect and that we do make mistakes. Even still, it's not in our nature to apologize or even to want to accept an apology. It's hard to say that we're wrong. It's easier to blame. It's easier to make excuses or give reasons. We don't want to be accountable.

But why? The simple answer: sin. Yep, that's a hard one to swallow. But here's the truth: we all sin. Sin is part of our DNA.

"the Lord God asked. "Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?"
The man replied, "It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it."
The the Lord God asked the woman, "What have you done?"
"The serpent deceived me," she replied. "That's why I ate it.""
(Genesis 3:23-24 - NLT)

Of course, this is what people refer to as the "original" sin. But nothing has changed. It's almost laughable to imagine Adam and Eve arguing with God, pointing fingers and taking absolutely no responsibility for their actions. But regardless of their actions, there were adverse consequences. And to this day, there are still consequences for our actions.

But where does forgiveness play into all of this? When we've offended someone else, then we in turn have sinned. The only way to right this wrong is to ask for forgiveness. And not in a way that it allows us to simply check it off your list of things to do. No, I'm talking true, heartfelt remorse for what we've done.

In the last week alone, I've had to ask for forgiveness in a few circumstances that were tough. I mean, I messed up BIG TIME. And these weren't issues where I had faulted someone in the last day or week or even in the last month. Nope, we're talking more than six months ago I had offended someone's heart and it took me that long to ask for forgiveness. Pretty bad, huh? And the tricky aspect about forgiveness is that even though I may ask for someone's forgiveness, it doesn't mean that I'll actually be forgiven. But I'm so grateful that that part doesn't matter quite so much. Of course, if reconciliation is what you seek, then it is important for that other person be willing to forgive in order to move forward. But what if you ask and they won't forgive you? You're job is done. If you've asked with a pure, genuine heart and they still say no, you can't control whether they forgive and you can let go of it. Because as much as we'd love to hear, "Yes, I forgive you," it's not necessary to move forward. After all, when you ask for forgiveness, it's for you as much as it is for the person you've offended.

I love the saying, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die." That gives me such a poignant image of not forgiving. It's poison to our bodies. It's toxic. Unforgiveness is as much a sin as is not asking for forgiveness. Talk about a lose/lose situation.

The moral of this story is that regardless of how bad I mess up, I know one who will always forgive me and his name is Jesus. No matter how bad I mess up, I know that I'm forgiven. That's a beautiful promise.

Living the life we were meant to live

I was catching up with a friend yesterday and she began to share about how she and her family were still commuting quite a distance to be a part of a new ministry and church plant. They had thought that they would have moved by now and lived closer to the new church, but due to life circumstances, a year had passed and they were still here and not there. Now this woman is very Godly and I know that both she and her husband completely trust in God's timing and provision for their family, but it really got me thinking about how much I find myself planning for an unknown future and not always living the life that God has for me now.

We all plan for the future. We put money away for retirement. We plan a vacation for next year. After all, planning is a biblical principal, so I'm not saying it's bad to plan. What I'm more concerned about is what we may be missing out on today because we're so focused on tomorrow. Yearning for what is to come, especially when we know that there are no guarantees, can lead to discontent of what we have now.

"Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." (James 4:13-14 NIV)

I am so guilty of this. A lot of it has stemmed from the fact that I've been a SAHM for five years now. I've loved every minute of it, but there have been times when I have felt guilty for not working outside the home. Feeling like I'm not contributing to our family financially. Being discontent with my present circumstance and as a result, not fully allowing myself to enjoy what I'm doing right now. 

And then it was planning to grow our family. Obviously God had much different plans than we did. I still can't help of what my life would be like now if I had both my sons here with me. I had planned for a future that did not happen. And then we never could have planned for infertility. What we thought would be a few months to conceive again has turned into almost two years of negative pregnancy tests, failed treatments and disappointment. When women are TTC, they can't help but to think If I get pregnant this month, than I'll have a baby this month. Once again, there's nothing wrong with that as long as it's not making you miss out on what's happening now. Because I can vouch for the fact that there are no guarantees about what the future will hold. But I'm confident in knowing that this time has not been wasted.  

Ecclesiastes 3 tells us that, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." (NIV) I've definitely learned in my own life that there are seasons. Just because I'm doing something now does not mean that I will do it forever. But I do need to learn to love and embrace the season that I'm in, not always hoping for something different or new, or what I perceive to be better. I need to be content with each season that God has given me.

If I'd had it my way, I would not have been so open about going through a stillbirth or sharing the pain of infertility. I would have been more private. But I don't believe that we're meant to keep everything to ourselves. I felt very strongly that the Lord needed me to share my own struggles in order to connect and bring hope to others. It's not an easy thing to do. To put yourself out there. To be vulnerable. But in a strange way, being more open creates a deeper intimacy with God and with those around you. This is the season that God has given me. He's not expecting me to find a way out. He's asking that I accept where I am and learn what he needs me to learn in order to move on to my next season. He's asking that I rely on His timing instead of demanding mine. He's asking me to trust.

And seasons can be tough. No, they can be down right devastating. Some seasons can feel as though you'll never make it through. Sometimes it's all you can do to think beyond that season or you wonder if you'll even survive. But I believe that those are the ones that we should remember the most. The toughest seasons are the ones that help us to appreciate the good ones. The hardest seasons reveal God in such a way that we can't help but to be in awe of who He is. And even in the tough seasons, God will bring us joy. Because when we rely on Him for joy and not upon our circumstances, He will never let us down.

Vacation Crasher

We got away this week for a few days to the beach and AF crashed, showing up on our first night. Beautiful. So I'm back on the crazy pills (for a month this time) and going right into my next IVF cycle, a "flare" protocol this time. I'll go in for another IVF class within the next few weeks so I can get my new med. schedule and get a timeline for ER and ET (which, of course I know means nothing because anything can change). The bummer is that based on my timeline, I could be looking at ER and ET around the same time that Mason begins Kindergarten in July. But I can't stress about it now and we'll deal with it when we get there.

Overall, I think I'm doing pretty well this time. I knew. I knew that this was not my month. I was hopeful, but I know my body well enough that by 8DPO, it wasn't going to happen this time. I still remain hopeful, though. I'm so lucky that I have the option of going into another IVF cycle. I'm also trusting God's timing. That's a hard thing to do.

I've surmised that there are things that I will never fully understand in this life, my infertility being one of them. I keep asking God the "why's," and that's okay. But the fact is that we don't always have an answer. And then, sometimes we do, and we still don't understand. Like when the answer is no. Or, not right now. It may seem like a simple, pure enough request, that is, to have another baby. But I can't see everything from my vantage point; but God can. I'm trusting that as good of a life that I can imagine for myself, He wants something beyond what I can even fathom. Something so good and so right that my dreams don't even compare.

The silver lining of it all is that despite AF showing up uninvited, we had a beautiful time at the beach. Mason loves the beach. He's my beach beach baby, spending the first 18 months of his life there when we lived in FL. We had some great family time and got recharged for what lies ahead. Even though our everyday life is full of making memories, it's important to pause and enjoy a few days of exclusive family time. Life is good.

Operation IUI Complete!

Yesterday's IUI went off without a hitch. Everything went very smoothly and Dr. M said that everything looked great (yes, including the sperm count, so, way to go Bob!)

Beginning tomorrow I'll start the progesterone and continue for 12 days. Yeah, not crazy about the suppositories, especially the Pro.metrin, but I do have some samples of Cri.none 8%, as well. The worst part of the progesterone are the symptoms which mimic pregnancy symptoms, so it's hard to trust your body during the 2WW.

I was pretty crampy yesterday and into the evening, but it's not so bad this morning. I'm feeling good and optimistic. Praying that this is it and no more IVF talk.

Trigger!

Yes! That means the IUI is on and I'll do my trigger shot tonight. I'm so grateful that we're able to move forward with the IUI. I have three eggs that look great. My lining is perfect. We go in on Friday morning for our IUI and I'll do progesterone suppositories for at least two weeks (they're gross, but at least no PIO). Wouldn't it be an absolute miracle if we never even had to think about IVF again? I'm praying for a miracle.

What a wild ride it's been the last few days. Such extreme highs and lows. So many uncertainties. I didn't know what or who to believe. I wanted hope, reassurance, a guarantee that it was going to be okay. What I have to realize is that I have that each and every day and His name is Jesus. He knows what it looks like before I do and His plan is so good and right for me, so much better than I could ever plan for myself. Perhaps it's a matter of trust. How much am I really trusting in His ways instead of mine? He's always provided. He's always been there for my family. Did I think He would disappoint me now? Even if His plan looks different or subscribes to a different timeline, He never fails. And I need to pray to be content with whatever He brings.

"I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:12-13 (The Message)