God said No

By now, I should be in the heat of injectables and monitoring visits. I should be getting closer to the actual ER and then, the ET. I should be wigging out on hormones and stressing about dates and scheduling... but I'm not. Bob and I voluntarily cancelled our IVF cycle.

But why? The short and sweet answer: God said no. Of course, wrapped within that reality is a lot of emotion and questions that we may never fully know that answers to, but continue to have faith in the Lord and trust that He and He alone has this all figured out.

On Thursday, June 24th, Bob and I went to our IVF Nurse Education class as scheduled. But something felt, well, different. I didn't have the same joy and excitement of what we were embarking upon. I felt scared and stressed. I admit that both Bob and I weren't in the best of moods that day (just having "one of those days") and we hadn't even prayed together before we went to the appointment. And then beneath the voices of fear playing out in my head, there was a soft voice simply saying, "No." It wasn't screaming or yelling. It was calm and almost a whisper, but it was very clear, "This is not what I have planned for you." Once again, I tried to dismiss it as fear or the tension between Bob and I.

I got home and went directly to my bedroom and locked the door. I felt exhausted and defeated; I began to cry. I wondered why I was feeling like this. I knew what we were told by the doctors, that IVF was our last and only chance at conceiving again. I knew what we had gone through to save and move money from retirement to pay for IVF. I asked God, "But why?"

I sat down on my bed and opened my bible study to my newest chapter and began to read. Then two words jumped off the page: Radical Obedience. I began to sob. I knew then that God was confirming what the holy spirit was saying to me. He was asking me to give this up and to Him; completely. Period. I cried and argued with God, telling Him all the things I knew about where we've been over the last two years - losing Robert, unexplained secondary infertility, and no baby without IVF. But He knows all of this already. He knows where we've been, what He's asking us to do and where He wants to take us. He fully understands what a sacrifice this is for us. And He already knows the outcome. In my finite view, I can only see the now. But in His infinite wisdom, love and mercy, He knows my future.

Later that evening, I very nervously shared with Bob what I believe God was asking us to do. We talked and cried together. But ultimately, we both knew that we needed to cancel our IVF cycle. God also revealed some very important things to us as a couple and individually. We felt that God was saying that the desire to have another baby in and of itself is not wrong, but desiring it more than God IS. Solely desiring God more than anything else is what He is asking of us and we were allowing other things (even if they were good things) to get in the way of desiring Him first. God doesn't take second place. He wants top billing in our hearts or nothing at all. He wants Radical Obedience in all aspects of our lives, even (or maybe I should say, especially) when it makes no sense or it seems so contrary to what we should do.

So what now? We keep praying and keep trusting in Him and Him alone. We pray for guidance and continually listen for His voice. And, we wait. I don't know exactly where God is taking us, but I don't have to. And I have to admit, it's pretty exciting embarking on this new journey. Exciting to see what He'll bring our way. Exciting to stay in tune to the divine appointments that He brings across our paths everyday. Exciting to stay radically obedient.

Please continue to pray for Bob and I and for our family.