Infertility is overwhelming at times. During any given day, we'll think about our infertility at least a few times, if not more. In fact, infertility begins to feel more like another appendage on your body. It's always there. I normally do a very good job at coping with what I've been given. I feel so blessed that I have such amazing friends who allow me to vent about how I'm feeling. They understand when I'm having a bad day and I just retreat into my cocoon. In other words, they put up with me and still love me. Our girlfriends are good at just listening, empathizing if they can and at the very least, sympathizing.
But as much as we work hard to just live our lives, the feelings we have about our infertility are bound to rear it's ugly head every once in a while in one way or another. We seem to take out our anger or frustration on those who are closest to us and who we love the most. Unfortunately, this tends to be Bob. Case in point, my melt-down last weekend.
I had an all out temper-tantrum. It was ugly. I yelled. I cussed (yikes! I know!). I threw things. Basically, I sounded and looked absolutely ridiculous. I wanted to just vent to Bob about being sad and frustrated. It was my way of trying to grieve and get it all off my chest. What I failed to understand is that men don't think like that. They hear things and they want to fix it. The reality is that not everything can be fixed. What I was expressing as frustration towards the situation came across as blaming and judgmental, even though it was not my intention. My anger was completely misplaced at Bob, even though I was angry with infertility, missing our son Robert and pretty much all pregnant women in general.
I have an appointment with a christian therapist in two weeks. What took me so long?
I remember those days... I was more likely to just bawl uncontrollably into my husband's chest while he had no clue what to say though. I don't know how long you've been trying or what your history is in this area but hang in there and if going to a therapist of some sort helps you, awesome! I think I'd have been in the same boat if it had taken much longer for us.
ReplyDeleteBy the way... I'm enjoying (for lack of a better word) reading about your struggle. I kept an anonymous blog for awhile and it helped. I'm hoping this is at least a bit cathartic for you and I'm glad I stumbled across this.