Becoming more than a conqueror

Due to the major weather event that occurred here in Raleigh yesterday (and I say this dripping with sarcasm), my church, along with most in the area, have cancelled services for today. Okay, in all fairness, there was snow and sleet and DOT hasn't gotten around to all the roads. So it feels rather odd to be home on a Sunday morning.

Along with the One Year Chronological Bible that I'm reading this year, I've decided to dig into Romans this morning - I just hope I don't choke. Don't get me wrong, I love Romans. But it can be a bit, well, overwhelming and a lot to process.

Okay, before I go any further, I feel like I need to get something out. Lately I've felt myself becoming a little cynical. I've been a bit snarky with my posts and not my usual positive self. For those of you who know me IRL, you know that I love the Lord. My faith and relationship with God is a very real part of my life. I love my daily time in the word. I only listen to HIS radio or KLOVE. Praying is my lifeline. But lately I've felt so defeated. I've struggled spiritually in ways I've never faced before. I've been asking God, "Where are you?" "Why am I going through this?" "Why did my son die and I'm now dealing with IF too? I just don't understand?" And just as a loving father would do, He pulls me on his lap, looks gently into my eyes and tells me how much He loves me. He tells me that even though I may not understand, that He does. And although it may seem unfair, I may never have answers while I am here. He asks me trust His decisions and timing. He asks, but never demands, that I simply place all my hurts and struggles and defeats into His hands. So because I am a very visual person, I picture myself taking it all - the pain of losing and missing Robert and the struggles with SIF - and I place it all in a box. I wrap it with the most beautiful paper I can find and top it with a bow. I put it right in His hands and He takes it from me like a treasured gift. Because after all, it is a gift to Him; the act of one of His children giving Him the burdens He wants to bear. I surrender it all today. And if I have to do it all again tomorrow, it's okay. He loves the time He gets to spend with one of His children. I know He loves me.

One of my favorite passages in Romans is Romans 8:37 "No, in all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." For a long time, I got this image in my head of myself clothed in armor from head to toe. I have a sword in one hand in a shield in the other. I am armed and ready to conquer! But the more I think about it, it's not just about me being "armed" to fight the fight, but to allow God to fight the fights for me. To allow Him to be my conqueror and to conquer through Him, not by my own accord. You see, I've been so focused on fighting this battle of SIF that I've lost sight of where my focus should really be; on God.

I've been so pre-occupied with SIF and getting pregnant again when I should be completely occupied with Jesus and let everything else come from that. I'm not saying that you shouldn't act and believe that by some divine intervention I will magically get pregnant again. No! Quite the opposite. I believe that God has provided doctors and specialists with wonderful advances in ART that can help us get pregnant.

So you may be asking, "Where's the line?" How do we know when are we doing what God has for us or doing what we want for us? The simple answer: the Holy Spirit. We were just talking about the role of the Holy Spirit in our spiritual lives last week in my small group. For some reason, many people get a little freaked out when someone mentions the holy spirit and who He is in our own spiritual lives.

Jesus talks to His disciples about the role of the holy spirit in John 14:15-20. Jesus is trying to comfort the disciples at the thought of His no longer being there after His death. In verse 16, He promises "another Counselor to be with you forever." Verse 17 goes on to say that, "The world will not accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him." Wow! Isn't that the truth! How many times have you heard the expression, "Seeing is believing". In our finite minds and wisdom, there are many times that if we can't physically see it or touch it, it must not be real. We want proof! Well, here it is! Jesus told us that if we walk with Him, we walk with the spirit. If you're a believer, you have the power of the holy spirit within you. This was Jesus' promise to his disciples and continues to be our promise today.

I believe that Bob and I will know the right decisions to make about our SIF based upon living a life that walks by the spirit and listens to what he wants for our lives. Could this sound a little strange? Sure. But as a believer, I hold onto the promise and walk by faith.

Today, I live as more than a conqueror through Jesus.