My Fertility Journey So Far

Here's a look at where I've been, where I am and where I'm going. I do want to note that I've added my successful pregnancy and live birth with my son, Mason. This shows that I battle with SIF. I will also update this post as necessary:

• August 2004 - Go off BCP and pregnant in one cycle with Mason. 
• September 2004 - End up in ER with major bleeding and what is thought to be a number of things, including a threatened m/c. blighted ovum or vanishing twin. With the amount of bleeding that occurred and the fact that I carried Mason to term, it is ultimately believed that I had in fact been carrying twins and lost Mason's sibling very early on.
• May 25, 2005 - Mason is born at 38 weeks, 5 days - he's perfect.
• March 2008 - I have my Mirena IUD removed to begin TTC for #2. 
• April 2008 - My BFP with Robert just 2 weeks after removal of IUD. 
• May 2008 - The bleeding begins. 
• June 2008 - The bleeding continues. It looks like I have several subchorionic hematomas around the placenta causing the bleeding. I am told that these will slowly resolve itself as my pregnancy progresses into my second trimester. 
• July 2008 - I continue to be monitored and continue to bleed. The hematomas continue. 
• August 2008 - Time for our BIG ultrasound to find out the sex. Mason and Bob are in with me. The tech gets quite during the US and asks me again how far along I am. She tells us that the measurements are much earlier than they should be. I see Dr. Segal in his office and he refers me to a specialist at UNC Maternal Fetal Medicine at Rex. I am having a boy.
• Bob and I meet with Dr. Robert Strauss. He confirms that Robert is much smaller in size than he should be. For the time being, blood flow to the heart looks good. I am sent for a battery of tests and Bob and I meet with a genetic counselor. 
• Results from tests are crazy off the chart. Indicating anything from downs syndrome and more. We are devastated and confused. We are told that an Amnio will help my doctors get a better idea of what is going on.
• August 21, 2008 - I go in for my Amnio. During the US before beginning the procedure, I see no tiny heartbeat. We learn that Robert has died. I am admitted to the hospital that evening and labor is induced. 
• August 22, 2008 - After 12 hours of labor, I deliver Robert still. He is so tiny and beautiful and perfect. I'm not sure how long I held him; I was so exhausted. A few photos are taken by my nurse. Robert is taken to pathology for an autopsy. 
• September 2008 - The results from Robert's autopsy come back; he is perfect. No genetic defects of any kind. Cause of death: unknown.
• October 2008 - With my cycle back, we are given the green light to begin TTC again. We're not "trying" but not preventing.
• April 2009 - I see my OB after six months of TTC. I am prescribed Clomid for my next cycle. I begin to also use OPK's, charting and taking my BBT.
• May 2009 - I begin my first of two rounds of Clomid + monitoring and progesterone check. Continue with OPK's, charting and BBT. 
• June 2009 - Another round of Clomid and charting, OPK's and BBT.
• July 2009 - Begin a round of Femara and charting, OPK's and BBT.
• August 2009 - Second round of Femara and charting, OPK's and BBT. 
• August 20, 2009 - Bob has a Semen Analysis done. Results come back perfect.
• August 31, 2009 - I go in for an HSG. My tubes are clean and no blockage is found. I have no polyps, scar tissue or other issues. 
• My OB refers me to RE Dr. William Meyer at Carolina Conceptions. I make an appt. for October. In anticipation of IF coverage, I call our insurance company and learn that we have up to $20,000 for IF treatments.
• September 2009 - Bob's company is bought out by another company. We have a lapse of insurance company for the month of October. I reschedule my RE consult for November.
• Our new insurance kicks in and I call for benefits. 100% for IF diagnosis. Nothing for treatment. I am angry and devastated.
• November 17, 2009 - I meet with RE Dr. Meyer. We go over my history and I hear the dreaded words uttered "Unexplained Secondary Infertility". I am sent for blood work to check my AMH level. The levels come back fantastic. Next steps are injectables w/IUI. 
• December 15, 2009 - I have my injectable and IUI class at CC.
• December 18, 2009 - CD3 and I begin Bravelle (and continue through CD10)
• December 22, 2009 - I begin Ganarelix CD7-10)
• December 26, 2009 - I trigger with Ovidrel. IUI is scheduled for Monday morning.
• December 28, 2009 - IUI is done. Piece of cake. 
• January 9, 2010 - AF arrives 12dpIUI during a day out with my best girlfriends. 
• February 24, 2010 - During annual exam, my OB does a huge blood panel. Panel checks for everything from blood-clotting disorders, autoimmune diseases/disorders, to my thyroid. All tests come back normal, except for an elevated ANA level. He refers me back to the same specialists at UNC that I saw during my pregnancy.
• March 1, 2010 - Consultation with Dr. Goodnight at UNC Maternal Fetal Medicine. We go over my test results from last week, as well as rehashing all the results from Robert's death. Dr. Goodnight performs another test to check another blood-clotting disorder, as well as checking my creatinine level (due to that fact that I have just one kidney.)
• March 18, 2010 - Officially made the decision to move forward with IVF. IVF nurse education class scheduled for March 31st. 
• April 6, 2010 - Started taking BCP for IVF cycle
• April 20, 2010 - Baseline US showed ovarian cyst. Another week of BCP's. 
• April 30, 2010 - Another US and now, 2 cysts. Plus, my estrogen level is too high to proceed with Stims. Another week or so of crazy pills. 
• May 4, 2010 - Another appointment shows that cysts are still there. Dr. decides to go ahead and aspirate and drain the cysts. Gani.relix injections for the next few nights to kill the cyst.
• May 8, 2010 - I finally begin my Stims.
• May 15, 2010 - Monitoring appointment. We discover that due to poor response, we very likely will not move forward with IVF.
• May 17, 2010 - IVF cycle is officially cancelled due to poor ovarian response. IVF converted to another IUI.
• May 21, 2010 - I have my second IUI. The waiting begins (again). 
• May 31, 2010 - AF shows up while we're on vacation at the beach. 
• June 3, 2010 - Begin crazy pills again for my next IVF cycle. I must be on BCP's for a month this time for a "flare" IVF cycle.
• June 24, 2010 - Bob and I attend our IVF nurse education class. We voluntarily cancel our IVF cycle. Living in Radical Obedience to what the Lord has in store for our family. 

Becoming more than a conqueror

Due to the major weather event that occurred here in Raleigh yesterday (and I say this dripping with sarcasm), my church, along with most in the area, have cancelled services for today. Okay, in all fairness, there was snow and sleet and DOT hasn't gotten around to all the roads. So it feels rather odd to be home on a Sunday morning.

Along with the One Year Chronological Bible that I'm reading this year, I've decided to dig into Romans this morning - I just hope I don't choke. Don't get me wrong, I love Romans. But it can be a bit, well, overwhelming and a lot to process.

Okay, before I go any further, I feel like I need to get something out. Lately I've felt myself becoming a little cynical. I've been a bit snarky with my posts and not my usual positive self. For those of you who know me IRL, you know that I love the Lord. My faith and relationship with God is a very real part of my life. I love my daily time in the word. I only listen to HIS radio or KLOVE. Praying is my lifeline. But lately I've felt so defeated. I've struggled spiritually in ways I've never faced before. I've been asking God, "Where are you?" "Why am I going through this?" "Why did my son die and I'm now dealing with IF too? I just don't understand?" And just as a loving father would do, He pulls me on his lap, looks gently into my eyes and tells me how much He loves me. He tells me that even though I may not understand, that He does. And although it may seem unfair, I may never have answers while I am here. He asks me trust His decisions and timing. He asks, but never demands, that I simply place all my hurts and struggles and defeats into His hands. So because I am a very visual person, I picture myself taking it all - the pain of losing and missing Robert and the struggles with SIF - and I place it all in a box. I wrap it with the most beautiful paper I can find and top it with a bow. I put it right in His hands and He takes it from me like a treasured gift. Because after all, it is a gift to Him; the act of one of His children giving Him the burdens He wants to bear. I surrender it all today. And if I have to do it all again tomorrow, it's okay. He loves the time He gets to spend with one of His children. I know He loves me.

One of my favorite passages in Romans is Romans 8:37 "No, in all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." For a long time, I got this image in my head of myself clothed in armor from head to toe. I have a sword in one hand in a shield in the other. I am armed and ready to conquer! But the more I think about it, it's not just about me being "armed" to fight the fight, but to allow God to fight the fights for me. To allow Him to be my conqueror and to conquer through Him, not by my own accord. You see, I've been so focused on fighting this battle of SIF that I've lost sight of where my focus should really be; on God.

I've been so pre-occupied with SIF and getting pregnant again when I should be completely occupied with Jesus and let everything else come from that. I'm not saying that you shouldn't act and believe that by some divine intervention I will magically get pregnant again. No! Quite the opposite. I believe that God has provided doctors and specialists with wonderful advances in ART that can help us get pregnant.

So you may be asking, "Where's the line?" How do we know when are we doing what God has for us or doing what we want for us? The simple answer: the Holy Spirit. We were just talking about the role of the Holy Spirit in our spiritual lives last week in my small group. For some reason, many people get a little freaked out when someone mentions the holy spirit and who He is in our own spiritual lives.

Jesus talks to His disciples about the role of the holy spirit in John 14:15-20. Jesus is trying to comfort the disciples at the thought of His no longer being there after His death. In verse 16, He promises "another Counselor to be with you forever." Verse 17 goes on to say that, "The world will not accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him." Wow! Isn't that the truth! How many times have you heard the expression, "Seeing is believing". In our finite minds and wisdom, there are many times that if we can't physically see it or touch it, it must not be real. We want proof! Well, here it is! Jesus told us that if we walk with Him, we walk with the spirit. If you're a believer, you have the power of the holy spirit within you. This was Jesus' promise to his disciples and continues to be our promise today.

I believe that Bob and I will know the right decisions to make about our SIF based upon living a life that walks by the spirit and listens to what he wants for our lives. Could this sound a little strange? Sure. But as a believer, I hold onto the promise and walk by faith.

Today, I live as more than a conqueror through Jesus.

Just in case you're wondering...

No! You do not need to post every single pregnancy tick on your facebook page!!!!!! Have morning sickness? I don't care! Are you giddy at the thought of your heartburn giving your baby a full head of hair? I don't care! Are you "so bummed" that you can no longer fit into your "skinny" jeans? I. Don't. Care.

My dear friends, you can promise that I won't gag you all with pregnancy symptoms if/when I'm pregnant again.

Okay. I'm done. BTW, I think that was grief-Katy speaking again.

Women and Falling Fertility: Women Lose 90 Percent of Eggs by Age 30 - ABC News

As if I needed another way to feel guilty about my infertility, here's a report that came out on ABC News regarding your age and amount of eggs. According to this study, by age 30, we've lost nearly 90% of all of our eggs. Not to mention the fact that the quality also starts to decline. And by age 40, we're down to about  3 percent. These results are surprising and much faster than experts previously thought. With a rise in media reports and especially Hollywood of more women having children later in life, we've been made to believe that waiting is okay. Have we been deceived?

Let's break down the numbers. Let's say that the "average" woman is born with 360,000 eggs. Then by age 30 with just 10% remaining, we're looking at 36,000 eggs. And as we all know, we only need one. And with the advance of fertility science and Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART), I'm confident that women will continue to get pregnant into their 30's and 40's.

It's also important to keep in mind that everyone's fertility is different. You can't make a general, blanket statement and expect it to stick for the entire population. Can age make a difference with fertility? Yes. But so can smoking, obesity and stress.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

Your husband is NOT your therapist

Infertility is overwhelming at times. During any given day, we'll think about our infertility at least a few times, if not more. In fact, infertility begins to feel more like another appendage on your body. It's always there. I normally do a very good job at coping with what I've been given. I feel so blessed that I have such amazing friends who allow me to vent about how I'm feeling. They understand when I'm having a bad day and I just retreat into my cocoon. In other words, they put up with me and still love me. Our girlfriends are good at just listening, empathizing if they can and at the very least, sympathizing.

But as much as we work hard to just live our lives, the feelings we have about our infertility are bound to rear it's ugly head every once in a while in one way or another. We seem to take out our anger or frustration on those who are closest to us and who we love the most. Unfortunately, this tends to be Bob. Case in point, my melt-down last weekend.

I had an all out temper-tantrum. It was ugly. I yelled. I cussed (yikes! I know!). I threw things. Basically, I sounded and looked absolutely ridiculous. I wanted to just vent to Bob about being sad and frustrated. It was my way of trying to grieve and get it all off my chest. What I failed to understand is that men don't think like that. They hear things and they want to fix it. The reality is that not everything can be fixed. What I was expressing as frustration towards the situation came across as blaming and judgmental, even though it was not my intention. My anger was completely misplaced at Bob, even though I was angry with infertility, missing our son Robert and pretty much all pregnant women in general.

I have an appointment with a christian therapist in two weeks. What took me so long?

"Secondary Infertility: Understanding and Coping"

I just got finished listening to a podcast from Conceive Online dealing specifically with secondary infertility. In this podcast, Beth Weinhouse, Conceive’s editorial director, discusses with Dr. Mark Leondires of Reproductive Medicine Associates of Connecticut, the causes of secondary infertility and just how common this problem actually is.

I'd strongly advise listening to the podcast if you are struggling with secondary infertility, but I have also come up with a basic summary.

"Secondary Infertility: Understanding and Coping"

- Over 3 million couples struggle with secondary infertility (SIF)

- More couples struggle with SIF than primary infertility (PIF). SIF makes up around 60% of all cases of infertility

- Don't wait! For SIF, don't wait a year to see an RE. It is okay to go after 6 months TTC

- Stress play a major roll in SIF, and there are in fact different stressers than PIF

- Are the same tests used for primary and SIF? Yes, you need to have the same tests run or work-up to determine next steps.

What are the tests needed?

- Evaluation of reproductive age - this includes a Day3 Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) test

- Size of ovaries on Day2, 3 or 4

- Tubal patency test

- Fallopian tube test - may or may not be used, depending on whether you had a c-section for your first pregnancy

- A good RE should be able to do all of your tests and evaluation within one month and quickly move on to your treatment plan.

Causes of SIF:

- Age related decline

- Menstrual cycle changes - shorter cycles, spotting, polyps, fibroids, etc.

- C-section, or any major surgery since your first pregnancy, can cause damage to the fallopian tubes

- Thyroid disease

- Women need to remember that if you've had one or more m/c since your first pregnancy, you also need to see an RE by six months TTC

- It is more likely that women who have been diagnosed with SIF will fall into the "unexplained" category

Three Tiers of Treatments:

- Tier One - Oral therapy w/ IUI
- Tier Two - Injectable therapy w/IUI
- Tier Three - IVF

- Patients with SIF tend to be more aggressive more quickly in their therapy, moving more quickly to IVF

Success Rates*:
- Oral Medications w/IUI - 10-15%
- Injectable therapy w/IUI - 40-50%
- IVF - 70-80%

* These rates are not per cycle, but accumulative rates after several cycles of trying*

Emotional Factors:

- Those with SIF are not as accepted in the general fertility community because we already have a child(ren). Perhaps if people understood that SIF is more common that PIF, there     would be a different attitude towards us.

- There is a lot of pressure for us to have another child, not only on ourselves, but from other outside factors

- We're already aware of how amazing it is to be a parent

- We feel like a failure because we know what our bodies have already been capable of

- We want a sibling for our child

- Our child is asking us for a brother/sister (which is absolute heartbreak and torture)

We need to take care of ourselves as a "whole" person

- Exercise

- Diet

- Seeing a therapist or being a part of a support group

- Acupuncture

How far would you go?

Through this infertility journey, I'm really learning more about infertility than I ever thought I would. Meaning, people who do not have infertility coverage (like us) are finding alternative, less expensive options when it comes to IVF. I do want to note that I am not endorsing or suggesting that these alternatives are better overall options but are in fact just that; options. It is important that you do your own due diligence in researching your own personal options and finding what it right for your family. 

Case in point, IVF Vacations. Yes, you heard me correctly. Go on a vacation, get IVF. Couples are going overseas to Europe, India, and South Africa for less expensive IVF procedures and take a much needed vacation in the process. In some cases, as much as half the cost of IVF in the states, including a two weeks stay.

In my research, one popular spot for IVF vacations is the Czech Republic. Ironically enough, this is Bob's "motherland". His grandparents came over from the Czech Republic and we've talked in the past about going there as a family. The one site that kept coming up for me was My IVF Alternative. Founders Magdalena and Jeremy created the site in order to help other couples struggling with infertility and looking for alternative ways to still have IVF, even when it is too expensive for them in the States.

My IVF Alternative helps you with the entire process, including medications, the IVF procedure, travel and accommodations. Their site is packed full of information in their FAQ. It also goes into detail about their partner clinic, Reprofit.

So would Bob and I ever consider doing an IVF vacation? Absolutely!

Psalm 27:14

"I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness in the exuberant earth. Stay with God! Take heart. Don't quit. I'll say it again: Stay with God." Psalm 27:14 (The Message)

Loving this verse today!

Breakdown in a Target bathroom stall

Well, the title says it all. When I dropped Mason off at preschool today, the first thing that his teacher said to us was, "Today is an exciting day! So-and-so's little sister is going to be born!" Of course, I just smiled politely, said nothing and gave Mason a kiss good-bye.

Now what I really wanted to say was, "Gee, I'm still grieving the loss of Mason's little brother, just had a failed IUI and I'm gearing up for IVF. I'm sorry if I can't be super excited for a stranger's new baby." Ba dum bum. No, I'm not bitter. I'm just sad. I'm done trying to make everyone understand how this feels. I'm sick of explaining myself all the time.

So before I started my weekly grocery shopping at Target, I scurried in the bathroom stall for a good cry. Not the most dignified setting, but what are you going to do? But hey, at least I felt better.

I'm not worthy!

So it seems that there may actually be people reading my blog and some of those people kinda like it. I've been given the blogger Lemonade Award ((applause)) from my fellow blogger, Baby On Mind. Many thanks, my dear. And to you, keep up the great work. I know it's been a tough road of infertility, but I'm pulling for you. I'm following in your IVF footsteps in the next few months, so I'm right there with you.

And now, the rules to receiving this award:

• Put the Lemonade logo on your blog and within your post.
• Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
• Let the nominees know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
• Share the love and link to the person from whom you receive this award.

Okay, so I need some more time with awarding my Lemonade awards. Please check back later for updates.

Pay it Forward Fertility Foundation

While on the Carolina Conceptions website, I came across a link for a non-profit organization called Pay It Forward Fertility. The mission of the foundation (as taken directly from their site) is as follows:

MISSION OF PAY IT FORWARD FERTILITY FOUNDATION

The Pay It Forward Fertility Foundation was created to give hope to people who want to build a family.  Established in 2008, this non-profit organization helps people of various circumstances afford fertility treatments that are not covered by health insurance.

The mission of the Pay It Forward Fertility Foundation focuses on assisting three groups:

1. 
   
   
   ✦  Couples in North Carolina who cannot afford fertility treatments such as in vitro fertilization (IVF), donor  egg IVF and embryo adoption.
   
   
   
2. 
   
   ✦  Military personnel at North Carolina posts and bases who are being deployed and want to preserve their fertility by cryopreserving their semen, eggs or embryos.
   
   
   

1. 
   
   ✦  Cancer in North Carolina patients who want to preserve their fertility before they begin treatments such as chemotherapy, radiation and/or surgery which could leave them sterile.
   
   
   So in a word, this foundation is AWESOME! What a blessing to be able to give back to couples who are struggling with infertility. My hope and prayer is that one day, Bob and I will be able to donate to this foundation to help others couples in North Carolina with IVF. 
   Please see their site for more information about eligibility and grant application deadlines. 
   
   
   If you know of any other similar foundations or grant programs in any state, please forward me their information so that I can list it here on my blog.
   
   
   
   
   

Wait

WAIT by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . . And the Master so gently said, "Wait." "Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply. "Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. "My future and all to which I relate Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, Or even a 'no' to which I can resign. "You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive. And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, As my Master replied again, "Wait." So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . . and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run. "I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me. You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint. You'd not know the power that I give to the faint. "You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there. You'd not know the joy of resting in Me When darkness and silence are all you can see. "You'd never experience the fullness of love When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove. You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart. "The glow of my comfort late into the night, The faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask From an infinite God who makes what you have last. "You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee, What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee. Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you. "So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me. And though oft My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait." ©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

What's next?

Bob and I have some big decisions to make about what fertility steps we'll take next. Medically speaking, our only option left is In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). We knew going into the IUI that more than one did not make sense for us medically or financially. With the injectables and the monitoring, another IUI is just $$ down the drain that could otherwise go towards IVF.

Our fertility clinic offers an IVF program called Shared Success. Qualified patients (which, we are), pay a program fee that would include 1 fresh IVF cycle and unlimited Frozen Embryo Transfers (FET's), provided that we have frozen embryos (which would be very likely that we would). In addition to this fee, we would pay for a monitoring package and for our medications out of pocket (OOP). There are also a few other incidentals that we would pay OOP, but that are minor in comparison to the overall fees. *If* our IVF cycles are not successful, we would receive a 70% refund of the program cost.

The soonest that would even be an option to begin IVF would be the middle of February. But in all honesty, I truly feel that God is telling us to wait. Wait for what? I have no idea. For how long? Once again, no idea? I don't feel as though He's saying no, but just, wait. Accepting and obeying this is very hard for me. Especially when we're told that IVF is our last option. Often times, real faith goes beyond all understanding. I continue to trust that God knows better than I do.

I've also been exploring acupuncture for infertility. I love that my fertility clinic has acupuncture right on site. However, I hate that my insurance company does not see it as a real treatment for infertility, therefore, not covering it's expense. Though I can use my HSA. It's not cheap, but I think that I may benefit from acupuncture therapy and frankly, I'm willing to try anything at this point, either alone or in tandem with the IVF.

I don't mean to sound rude

But I don't want to be an advocate for one more thing. I don't want to be a poster child for one more issue. I'd have a nice chunk of change if I was paid every time someone said to me, "Just think of how many people you'll help with your story." Seriously? Living kidney donor. Mother of a dead child. Infertile. No offense, but I don't always want to have the job of comforting and fighting for everyone else. I want my son Robert. I want to be able to get pregnant again and have another healthy pregnancy and baby.

Don't mind me; I think it's just "Grief Katy" talking.

A glimpse into infertility

This was a letter shared with me regarding infertility. I've changed some of it to reflect my own feelings regarding my own infertility...

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don’t understand.

This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, depressed, envious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, bitter, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your  understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My Infertility makes me feel confused. I feel confused as to why this is happening. I feel confused when I get diagnoses such as unexplained secondary infertility. A title I do not want. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have another baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my unexplained secondary infertility after we’d suffered the loss of our second son and began trying to become pregnant again. I not only grieve the loss of a child, but now I grieve the loss of my own fertility. And I wait. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings. I’m afraid of my undependable body.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. Sometimes I have to stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. I feel so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self-esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy? Am I not a good enough mom? It is easy to lose self-confidence and feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry with my body because it has betrayed me. I want and need an advocate to help me. I’m angry with my medical caregivers because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. I’m angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. I’m angry that insurance companies do not value my basic human right to have a family, even if it means that I need medical intervention to do so. I’m angry that they would rather provide coverage to terminate pregnancies than to help a family’s dream of being parents. Finally, I’m angry with everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become and to stay pregnant. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My Infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I’ve lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I’ve never cried so much or so easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I’m sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I’m sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids’ movies, birthday parties and much more, surround me. I hate that I must miss out on things in my friends lives for my own self-preservation. Sometimes I feel so sad and hopeless.

My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Years spent doing treatments has put so much on hold. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees. Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I’m learning some helpful ways to cope; I’m now convinced I’m not crazy, and I believe I’ll survive. I’m learning to listen to my body and be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I’m realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place.

I’m trying to be more than an infertile person.

And then, you grieve

There is a grieving process that goes along with infertility, just like any other loss. Month after month, I grieve the loss of my own fertility. Of my own ability to procreate. I grieve what it means for our family, for my marriage, for my future.

And this month, I grieve again with a failed IUI.

I'm scared

I have a confession; I am already scared of what will happen if this IUI fails. I am scared of what it will mean for our family and the possibility of me ever conceiving again. I am scared we won't have the money in order to do IVF. I am scared of how I will make it emotionally and it's potential to break me if I am not pregnant. I'm scared.

I hate that I feel scared and that I'm worrying. I hate that I'm not fully trusting God and His timing. I realize that my way of thinking is finite and He is infinite. God can see beyond what I can possibly imagine. But still, I am scared.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10

8dpIUI

What stinks about waiting right now is that I can't go on the basis of how I'm "feeling" to indicate if I think I could be pregnant. Since I am taking progesterone, many of the side-effects of the medication mimic pregnancy (or PMS) symptoms. So even though I'm bloated, irritable, tired and have sore boobs, those all *could* mean early pregnancy signs or it may just be the extra progesterone in my system.

One way or another, I'll know for sure in just a few more days.

5dpIUI (but who's counting)

That would be, five days past IUI and already jumping out of my skin! Just 7 more days, and I'll know if the IUI was successful. This is going to be a very long week. But I suppose that by now, I'm used to waiting. In fact, I believe that I've become an expert at waiting.

What most people who have not dealt with infertility fail to understand is the overall toll that infertility and treatments begin to take. TTC is emotional whether you have infertility or not, but for those of us with diagnosed issues, the toll is only that much more exaggerated. We're (both Bob and I) forced to go through humiliating tests, constant intrusion into our personal lives, hormone inducing medications and constant monitoring. The intimate nature between Bob and I of "making a baby" has been completely stripped away and been reduced to our DNA being passed from hand to hand and finally making it's way into a syringe.

The thought that someone is actually making money (and a lot of it) off of our trying to have a baby is nauseating to me. The fact that most insurance companies cover little to no infertility is borderline immoral, pushing families to drain savings or take out loans in the hopes that *maybe* they will become parents.

And then, we wait. And wait. And wait. And when we're done with that waiting, yep, we wait some more. Waiting for our next cycle. Waiting for our next RE appointment. Waiting to begin our next round of medication. Waiting to see if we have enough follicles or not enough. Waiting to see if our husbands tests come back okay. Waiting for that BFP. Or waiting for more disappointment with a BFN.

"But those who wait upon the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31