Operation IUI Complete!

Yesterday's IUI went off without a hitch. Everything went very smoothly and Dr. M said that everything looked great (yes, including the sperm count, so, way to go Bob!)

Beginning tomorrow I'll start the progesterone and continue for 12 days. Yeah, not crazy about the suppositories, especially the Pro.metrin, but I do have some samples of Cri.none 8%, as well. The worst part of the progesterone are the symptoms which mimic pregnancy symptoms, so it's hard to trust your body during the 2WW.

I was pretty crampy yesterday and into the evening, but it's not so bad this morning. I'm feeling good and optimistic. Praying that this is it and no more IVF talk.

Trigger!

Yes! That means the IUI is on and I'll do my trigger shot tonight. I'm so grateful that we're able to move forward with the IUI. I have three eggs that look great. My lining is perfect. We go in on Friday morning for our IUI and I'll do progesterone suppositories for at least two weeks (they're gross, but at least no PIO). Wouldn't it be an absolute miracle if we never even had to think about IVF again? I'm praying for a miracle.

What a wild ride it's been the last few days. Such extreme highs and lows. So many uncertainties. I didn't know what or who to believe. I wanted hope, reassurance, a guarantee that it was going to be okay. What I have to realize is that I have that each and every day and His name is Jesus. He knows what it looks like before I do and His plan is so good and right for me, so much better than I could ever plan for myself. Perhaps it's a matter of trust. How much am I really trusting in His ways instead of mine? He's always provided. He's always been there for my family. Did I think He would disappoint me now? Even if His plan looks different or subscribes to a different timeline, He never fails. And I need to pray to be content with whatever He brings.

"I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:12-13 (The Message)

IUI back on?

I got my estrogen level back yesterday and it was fabulous; doubled in two days. So what does that mean? It means that I have three eggs that are still holding on and growing. Will they be strong enough to move forward with an IUI? I'll know that tomorrow at my US and blood draw. I'm hoping and praying that there's still a chance for the IUI. We've invested so much time and money already that I'd like to give it a go if it's feasible.

What I found interesting was the differing opinions of the doctors within the clinic. My US yesterday was performed by Dr. C. She's fine, but definitely not my favorite doc there. She gave me the impression that it was pretty hopeless at this point, even for an IUI. But when I got a call from one of the nurses, A (who is one of my favorite nurses at CC), she gave a much different picture and one that was much more optimistic. I was also really touched that she cared enough to share her own personal fertility struggle with me; I'm always grateful when someone does. I think one of the best parts of this journey are all the incredible women with whom I've connected. Definitely helps me to know that I'm really not alone.

So today is my last day of injections (except for my potential trigger shot). For good? Ah, now wouldn't that be awesome. Well, there are still the PIO shots hanging in the balance. I'm guessing that if we move forward with the IUI, I'll still have do do them. I'm still soooo not looking forward to those shots.

Many thanks, again, to everyone praying for us right now. We feel God's covering and hold strong to His promises for our family. I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus.

Cancelled

We've officially cancelled this IVF cycle. I went in this morning knowing that this is what we were going to do, but I'm still sad and I feel defeated. I feel like once again, my own body has let me down. I'm tired and emotionally pushed to my limits right now. I never thought it would be this hard to conceive again. Why does it have to be so hard?

We're not even moving forward with the IUI. There's just not enough decent sized eggs to waste the $$. I wish I knew what went wrong. I did everything right. I did all my injections just like I was supposed to at just the right times. I dutifully went to all my monitoring appointments. I had all my blood draws (even though now I'm closely resembling a pin cushion - they even tapped into my hand today because of my small veins.) It just didn't work.

So what now? I wait again. I'll talk to my doctor when my estrogen comes back this afternoon and we'll talk about the next plan. I'm scheduled for another US on Wednesday, but I'm thinking that I'll just cancel it. Why bother? We'll do timed intercourse (that invariably won't matter) and then I'll wait for AF just to begin this crazy cycle all over again. More crazy pills. More injections. More US's and blood draws. More anticipation of the unknown.

Sometimes I wonder how much more I can really take of it all.

Over before it begins?

Can I just start by saying, "I'm tired." I am completely and utterly drained from this weekend. I am physically, emotionally, mentally pushed to the limits right now. I'm tired.

It is very likely that my IVF cycle will be cancelled. I had my appt. yesterday to find that I'd maybe have 4-6 eggs for retrieval - my bodies just not responding the way they thought it would. For whatever reason, this cycle is just "off". I go back in tomorrow morning for another US and to make the final decision with my doctor. If we cancel, we'll most likely convert this cycle into an IUI and try for another IVF cycle next month. Will this ever end?

The good thing about knowing now is that other than purchasing more meds (which, is still expensive), this is the time to cancel if there ever was a time. We're still before ER, which is a good thing in terms of $$ and even more as far as emotional and physical investment. I don't want to cancel, but this is a good time.

I left the office yesterday and I should have been really disappointed or upset. But instead, I was completely at peace. I know that God was saying, "It's okay. I've got this covered. I'm still in control." And  my response? "Okay, Lord."

Even when things are so hard to understand, I still believe in God's sovereignty. He is in control.

Not enough

I went in for my first monitoring appointment this morning and unfortunately, there's not much going on. I've been doing injections for 4 nights and I only have one follicle on each side and my estrogen is only 111- not great. So, my doctor's increasing my dosage and I'm going to begin tomorrow doing a dose in the morning and in the evening.

I'm not too worried at this point because it's still early, although I would have liked better news going in today. I'm so wiped out with the whole cyst mess that I was hoping for clear sailing here on out. I'm back in for my next monitoring on Saturday morning and I'm hoping and praying that the growth has picked up a bit.

I do know that I should expect an ER in the latter part of next week, probably Thursday, 5/20 or Friday, the 21st.

Thank you all so much for the thoughts and prayers. I'm so grateful for all of my MOPS girls, TM, our small group, my close friends praying us through it all and to those incredible women out there in the blogosphere that I've never even met but share this crazy journey with me. Keep those prayers coming!

"But as for me, I trust in you." Psalm 55:23 NIV

Before The Morning ~ Josh Wilson

I wanted to share this song because I'm absolutely loving it right 
now! Enjoy!





Lyrics:
Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now

Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Welcome to Katy's Pharmacy

Over the past year I've watched as my fellow bloggers have shared their vast array of IVF drugs. Oh, how I've longed for the day when it would be my turn... and now my day has come!

I'm pretty sure there's enough Bravelle to impregnate a cow. Then there's my Luveris that I use with the Bravelle. On Day 7, I'll add in the Ganirelix (Antagon). The Z-pak is for before and after the ER. Zofran and Vicodin are for the day of the retrieval. I don't have my 2 Ovidrel in the photo (trigger shots) because they need to be refrigerated. And I also don't have the Progesterone in Oil (PIO) in the photo because, well, I'd like to forget those as much as possible until I have to deal with them. Then of course, there's the obscene amount of syringes and needles. Why do they send so many? What do they think I'm going to be doing with all of them?

Tonight will be my third stims injection. Saturday night was crazy because I was right in the middle of a huge neighborhood get together at our house and I felt rushed and not myself. I also used the needle to mix instead of the Q-cap. Yeah, that didn't work for me. I felt like I wasn't getting it all out of the vial. So last night I used the Q-cap and felt much more confident about the mixing. That's the down-side to using Bravelle instead of the Follistim pen, but I'm soooo not complaining. I've mixed before with my IUI and plus, the Bravelle was FREE! What an awesome blessing! The Bravelle does the exact same thing as the Follistim and I know that my body responds well to Bravelle.

I have my first monitoring appt. on Wednesday. Fingers crossed and lots of prayers that everything is looking good for this cycle.

Life is a gift

Today is Mother's Day. I am one blessed momma to Mason (almost 5) and to Robert, my little angel who would have been 16 months. I'm a wife to an amazing husband of almost 9 years. Did I mention how blessed I am?

Although Mason's birthday isn't until the end of the month, we celebrated yesterday. It was awesome. We celebrated at home and rented a bounce house for the backyard. The kids bounced and played in the sandbox. They had a blast doing a craft and having cake. It was a good day.

I can't believe my little guy is going to be five. Of course, I had to look back through all the photos from the past five years and it truly does go by in the blink of an eye.

A lot has happened over the past five years. Our family has had some amazing moments. We've made unforgettable memories. But mostly, we've just lived and loved as a family. Every family looks different and I've come to treasure what I have instead of wishing for something else, something more.

I still hope for more children, but I bask in the bliss of what I have; an absolute gift from my heavenly Father. And it is good and just what He has planned for me right now.

Just stop and enjoy.

                                                                            

Cyst be gone!

I had an appointment on Tuesday for what I thought would just be another quick US, but it turned into a little more. Since the cysts were still there and had no sign of dissipation anytime soon, the Dr. went ahead and did an aspiration and draining. Ah, and of course it was the one day that I brought Mason with me to my appointment.

They ended up needing to take Mason out of the room while they did it and he hung out with the staff during the procedure. But this is why I absolutely LOVE Carolina Conceptions; they were so wonderful with him. I could hear Mason's little voice out in the hall and laughter from the staff. Apparently he was keeping them all entertained with his stories and anecdotes. He even told my doctor that he looked liked George Washington - so cute! He's such a good boy.

The procedure was fairly easy and painless. They inserted the US wand and asked me to cough. At that point, a needle came out of the wand and pierced the cyst. The doctor inserted a catheter to drain the cyst and Voila! - no more cyst. Okay, at least no more visible cyst. The fact that my estrogen level was still so high was indicative that it was probably still active and we need to completely get rid of it before I start my stims. So I've been doing a Gan.irelix injection for the last few nights in hopes that it will bring down my estrogen and we can move forward.

I head into the clinic tomorrow morning for another estrogen check and if it's low, I finally begin my stims! Yay!!!

I'm praying that all my levels are good and I can begin on Saturday. I'm so ready to get this IVF cycle started! I'm so excited to get my sweet baby here. I'm tired, but I'm trusting in God's plan for our family.

Infertility Truth

RESOLVE Executive Director Brab Collura on Fox and Friends this morning: Infertility Truth