The waiting game continues...

So I'm one day late and I'm too scared to test. I just can't deal with the disappointment right now. A confession though: I tested early on Monday and it was a BFN. It's just that I got an early BFP with both Mason and Robert (both 4 days early), so I can't help myself. But then when I get the BFN, I turn into this raging lunatic. I'm angry, mean and bitter. I snap at both Bob and Mason; it's not a pretty sight. I had to give MAJOR apologies in the last few days for my less than okay behavior. 

So not knowing what exactly is going on with me this month, I went to CVS and bought both tampons and a pregnancy test. I must have looked a little crazy. Oh, but the funniest part was when I went to look for my keys so I could use my little CVS pharmacy card and a pair of my white thong underwear came out with the keys!!! I was mortified!!! Of course I start explaining to the women at the register that I went to try on clothes at Kohl's yesterday and I brought a different pair of underwear just in case I needed them (as if she cared). She tried to change the subject by asking me where I bought my purse (this great aqua colored bag that I bought at Lily Mae's in the Factory in Wake Forest). 

So, do I wait another day to see if AF shows up or go upstairs and test right now? Decisions. Decisions. 

***Update*** BFN. So here's to another month of TTC. Anyone want to join me for a Margarita?

3 days and counting...

Since we're TTC, every month there's a little countdown that begins about 3-5 days before I'm supposed to begin my period. The questions begin to stream through my mind. Do I feel pregnant? Will my period come this month? Will it come on time? Will it come late and torture me for just a few more days? And the biggest question of all: Will this be the month that I become pregnant again? 

Then I start to think about when I will test. Will I test early or wait until I've missed my period? Then I think hypothetically about getting a positive pregnancy test and ask myself, How will I tell Bob? I also think, Will we tell others right away or wait? Will we only tell our family? Will I post it on my blog or on Triangle Mommies? 

So another countdown begins.

What does Hope mean to you?

Many of us throw the word hope around very casually these days. You may say, "I hope I get that promotion." Or, "I hope there's nice weather this weekend." But what if it were more like, "I hope I can feed my kids tonight." Or, "I hope they don't turn off the power in my home." I've learned this weekend that hope can mean very different things to different people. In fact, to many people out there, hope may mean survival.

I had the privilege of serving yesterday at Convoy of Hope in downtown Raleigh. I, along with 1,000 other volunteers from 65 church's in the Triangle served over 5,000 hurting men, women and children. We loved on them for over five hours during a hot Saturday. Volunteers provided free medical and dental care, kids activities, lunch, haircuts, job resources, prayer and support and groceries. I served in the grocery area, the last area that our special guests passed through before leaving for the day. I had the awesome job of just loving and encouraging people as they left. I gave more hugs and hand shakes than I could count. I looked into the eyes of these beautiful people and saw the deep appreciation for what they had received. Most of all, I was able to love them like God loves them. I was reminded several times during the day of the Brandon Heath song "Give me your eyes", especially the chorus:

Give me your eyes for just one second 

Give me your eyes so I can see 

Everything that I keep missing 

Give me your love for humanity 

Give me your arms for the broken hearted 

Ones that are far beyond my reach. 

Give me your heart for the ones forgotten 

Give me your eyes so I can see

Serving yesterday was an incredibly humbling experience. It was a reminder to me of my need to serve others as a way of serving God. It was a priority check. A check of my time, of my resources, of my heart. I'm so grateful that God and the holy spirit gives us these reminders. I'm so glad that I was willing to listen.

Living an intentional life

This morning's sermon at church had a profound effect on me. Pastor Jimmy began the series "30 Days to Live", asking the question, "How would you live your life if you KNEW that you had just 30 days to live?". Maybe you would spend more time with your family. Or maybe you would work on reconciliation in that broken relationship. Perhaps it would be then that you would finally decide where you want to be after death. Of course his point being, "What in the World are we waiting for?!?!?!?!" The fact is that there are no guarantees, although everyone of us lives as if we have 50 more years or one more week or even one more day. But the truth is, it could all end in an instant and then there are no more chances to get it right. 

So as I go through the day today, and every day that I'm here, I plan on taking a little more time with what I'm doing. To enjoy all the lovin' from my Mason. To hold Bob's hand or to steal a kiss every chance I get. To tell them that I love them. 

I was especially convicted thinking about my relationship with my mom. I know that I've been wrong and have made mistakes, that we've both made mistakes. I don't want to get that call that she's gone and then to live with the regret of past hurts and words. I bet that so many people get to where I am but say to themselves, "Okay, if so-and-so makes the first step, then I'll talk to them or work on this." But if we're always waiting for the other person to make the next step, then we know it will never happen. To put it bluntly, sometimes the more emotionally mature person has to decide to make the first move. Maturity has nothing to do with age, but it does have to do with personal responsibility. 

Today I live in the moment with no regrets.

Gimme an O-V-U-L-A-T-I-O-N! What's that spell?

So after using the Answer brand ovulation predictor kit for the last 12 days, last night I got the dark second line that indicates an LH surge in the next 24-48 hours (I know it's hard to see, but my line is the 1st one - very dark, indeed!). Praise God! And we know what that means. Poor Bob! But I wouldn't feel sorry for him. I'm sure he won't be complaining. 

I'm really glad that I tried this OPK because of the amount of strips that you receive in the kit. While they suggest using one of the 20 strips once a day for 20 days, you do have the option of using more than one a day with still plenty left over. It's also great because now I know that I'm actually ovulating a little later than the typical 14 days (or somewhere in the middle of a cycle); more like 17 or 18 days. Very good to know. I'll guess we'll find out how good at the end of the month. Please wish me a little bit of baby dust.

The real "Secret"

So a friend bought me the book The Secret for my birthday this year. I'd heard about it (ah, from Oprah, of course!) but really had no interest in reading it. But, since it was a gift, I decided to give it a skim. Well, actually, I went right to the back of the book. I thought that maybe I could get "the secret" without even reading the whole thing. Boy was I right! The whole universe is for me! Are you kidding me?! What a bunch of lies. This is exactly what's wrong with society today. Everyone is so self-centered and self-serving. Me, me, me! It's all about me! But that's such a lie. It's not all about you! As a born-again Christian, a follower of Christ, I can not live by the principles that the flowers, the sunrise, the ocean, the Universe is for me. It's not! It's all for GOD. Now let me add something and say that while I clearly don't agree with what this book is saying, I know that my friend had very good intentions with gifting me this book. Part of my reaction comes out of anger towards these authors and to Oprah for pushing such garbage to so many people. But I also know that we all have choices about what we read and what we believe. I just don't want people to be deceived. 

Does satan masquerade, or what?! Let me clue in anyone who thinks that The Secret is the real deal: it's not. Here's a not so secret tip: get in the word. You want to know the secrets of the universe, it's in the Bible. 

When life gives you a cup, you pee in it!

The title says it all. If you're TTC, you've undoubtedly done this at one time or another. Right now, it's the infamous Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) for me. After all my research, I learned that the more you pee, the better. So on Sunday,  I went to Walmart (ugh, I know) and picked up an Answer Daily Ovulation Tracker. It comes with 20 tests for a one month supply and a little plastic pee cup. Yeah! It's supposed to catch my LH surge so I know when I'm about to ovulate. Pee in the cup (oh yeah, and it's better after 3pm?), open the canister (but quickly shut it!) and dip the stick up to the green line and then wait for 5 minutes. Is there a second line? How dark is it? So I wish that I actually knew what I was talking about. LH surge? Don't pee until after 3? Nothing to drink for 2 hours? I'm already exhausted. 

So the one advantage to all of this is having a husband who works from home. I guess you can never underestimate the power of a quickie in the afternoon.

It's not as easy as, "Sex?" Yes please!

Ah, how I wish it were the case because then I'm convinced I'd have a house full of kids by now! I mean, if it's that easy for you, then awesome! But some people actually do struggle with TTC and even though I'm not at the point where I think we need to be really concerned, it can be very stressful. This journey has taught me many important lessons along the way, one of them being a greater sensitivity towards those wanting so bad to conceive with months (or even years) of waiting.

I still laugh when I think of one friends advice. "So Katy, if you and Bob want to get pregnant, just go get really drunk and do it in the back of your car! Works all the time for horny teenagers, right?" But if I can take anything from that (yes, there's always a lesson to be learned), it's that not matter how long it takes us to get pregnant again, that Bob and I can really enjoy the intimacy that we share as couple.

Far too often, we (uh, that's for us women) get so caught up in the whole "let's make a baby thing" that we forget about our spouse in the process. Or even worse, we forget that we're supposed to be enjoying ourselves. It seems so strange to use the words God and sex in the same sentence, but yes, God created sex so that we can enjoy it with our spouse. Now if that doesn't prove God's love for us, I don't know what does?

My road less traveled

Life is a journey and I'm constantly amazed at where mine is taking me. Less than two months ago, I started Robert's blog as a way to sort through my journey of losing a son. And while that journey continues, another journey continues (being wife to Bob and mother to Mason) and another journey begins: the journey of TTC. And while they all converge along the way, I feel as though I'd like to keep them separate in some way. I mean, "my life is my life", and it does all run together. I'm just realizing more and more that we do go through "seasons" and I'd like to reflect on these facets separately. 

Hence the birth of, "He calls me Momma". I don't know if there's anything sweeter than when I hear Mason call me momma. Melts me just to think about it. So here I go again...