Can you kindly direct me to the Infertile waiting room?

In all my excitement and preparation for today's appointment, I neglected to realize that I may have to sit in a waiting room full of pregnant women and wait. And wait. And wait. You see when you're five minutes early for an appointment and they're running 30 minutes behind, yep, that means 35 agonizing minutes of being absolutely surrounded by pregnant bellies.

I did my best to try to keep distracted, but I found myself trying to hold back tears while I waited. I pretended to read a magazine. Checked my phone half a dozen times. Choked down water. All along, averting my eyes from the other women and their bellies. It was very painful for me today. I kept reminding myself why I was there, the tests I was scheduled to have and the hope that I will be pregnant again. I know that I will be pregnant again.

I had 10 vials of blood taken for a comprehensive panel checking for Lupus, blood clotting disorders and an ANA panel. I had my thyroid rechecked, as well as further chromosomal testing. Some tests will come back within a few days while others will take a few weeks. I glanced over at the sheet with lab orders during the blood draw. Reason for lab - habitual aborter and history of 2nd trimester loss. What an ugly label.

I talked to Dr. Segal about next steps after the results. He said that if they do show any blood clotting issues, I'll have to do heparin injections once I get pregnant. I'm now scheduled for an appointment with UNC Maternal Fetal Medicine at REX for next Monday. I was referred to the same doctors when my last pregnancy became high risk. I was there when we found out that Robert had died; I'm nervous to go back. Dr. Segal feels that it would help for me to just go for a consult since they have a record of my history and may have more insight into what more I can do before we move on to IVF, especially if there's something inherently wrong that is preventing me to hold a pregnancy. He believes that they will put me on baby aspirin and progesterone. Monday can't get here soon enough.

Tests are scheduled!!!

I finally spoke with my OB/GYN, Dr. Segal, yesterday and he's scheduled me for a small laundry list of tests when I come in for my annual exam later this month. I expressed to him my concerns that I believe there may be a larger underlying problem with my infertility. We discussed the possibility of autoimmune or anti-body issues. We also talked about me having a laparoscopy to dig a little further. Because of the nature of a laparoscopy and the invasiveness of the procedure, it's a last resort, but not off the table.

My feeling is that if there is a problem we're missing and it doesn't matter how many IUI's or IVF cycles that I do. We've got to figure this out first. IVF may still be part of the equation, but I don't believe that it's necessarily the end-all, only solution for us.

We also talked about all the question marks still associated with my last pregnancy. That even though Robert tested perfect with no issues, it's a fact that there was something very wrong with the pregnancy itself. We never dug further to see if it was a blood-clotting issue, but I wouldn't rule it out with the hematoma's that I had around my placenta.

I have to admit that I'm a little angry that I waited so long to dig in and research more before now. But I have to remind myself that God's timing is so much better than mine. And in all honesty, maybe I just wasn't ready until now? I can't go back in the past and beat myself up about what we didn't do. I can only live in the now and trust that God is leading us right where we need to be.

I love that Dr. Segal is so receptive to my feelings about digging for answers. He genuinely cares about my concerns. I guess that he could have been a little more proactive instead of reactive. But once again, what's done is done. This is where I am now and I'm just so grateful and relieved that he wants to help us try to figure this out.

So of what I know and understand, I'm having an Anti-nuclear Antibody (ANA) panel done, as well as having my thyroid checked again. There are also some additional tests for blood-clotting, etc. I feel so excited knowing that we could be one step closer to possibly figuring out what's going on.

Please keep us in your prayers over the next month. Not only for the anticipation of uncovering any issues, but to prepare our hearts and minds for whatever the outcome. After all, God's not a part of my story; I'm a part of His.

A "good" exhausted

Today I had my first appointment with a therapist. I feel that it went very well and I'm so glad that I finally took this important step. I think part of what made it so real and productive with the very first session is that I already have a personal relationship with my therapist from church. It took a lot of the anxiety away knowing that she already knows "about" a lot of my struggles and has been praying and supporting me through them over the last year. Of course, this gave me an opportunity to really delve into what I'm feeling and it was so nice to have an outlet where I felt safe, as well as some really great insight from someone other than Bob or a girlfriend. And as great as it was, it was also mentally and emotionally exhausting. Not to mention how you can feel pretty spent after a good cry, which I did for much of my session.

We'll be starting off by focusing a lot on helping me to grieve Robert's loss. When I had a chance to think about it, I really haven't fully grieved losing him. We went from his death to TTC again a few months later and much of the grieving was replaced with TTC and then, secondary infertility. But there's so much still there that I haven't dealt with, even with it being almost 18 months later.

I'm ready to take the next steps to feel healthy again, but I know that it's not going to be easy.

The definition of insanity...

...Is taking a pregnancy test when you know you can't possibly be pregnant!

Seriously, what is wrong with me? Am I just a glutton for punishment or a tiny bit sadistic? Or maybe just the right blend of both. Ah, yes, that must be it!

I started spotting on Thursday (CD26) and I thought, "Okay, she's here. Time for a drink." But then, nothing. Nada. So then what am I thinking? Yeah, you know exactly what I'm going to say. Maybe it's IB! So when I wake up today and it's CD28, what do I do? Yep, take a test. And not even a FRER. Nope! I have the brilliant idea to take one that says, "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant". I must be insane!

But alas, no, I'm "Not Pregnant". I'm proud that I didn't cry when I read the test. I'm such a big girl. I'm actually a little annoyed that AF hasn't showed yet. I know she'll be here any time, so stop torturing me, already!!!

Momma, where's MY brother?

This was the question that my precious Mason posed to me yesterday. Just the thought of this question brings me pain.

We were writing a letter and putting together a package for our sweet little guy Darius in Uganda that we sponsor though World Vision. We call him Mason's "African brother" and Mason loves the sound of that! But then of course, it brings up all the usual questions from Mason.
"Why can't I go see Darius?"
"Why can't Darius come play at my house?"
"Momma, where's MY brother?"

Mason was only a little over three when Robert died. He knew that momma had a baby in her belly and asked about Robert after he was gone, but he soon forgot and didn't ask specifically about Robert again. But he still asks about having a brother in general. Sometimes it creeps up when I least expect it and leaves me sad for our family and for Mason. This is one of the heartaches of secondary infertility. I not only have strangers ask me when I'll give Mason a sibling, but my own child is aware enough to ask for one himself. How do I explain to my four-year-old son that mommy has infertility? That I'm trying so hard to give him a brother or sister, but that my body is broken?

There are no words, but there are tears. And when he asks me why I'm crying, I can only reassure him of how much I love him.

Fighting for my Infertility Rights

Yes, within my reproductive rights, I have infertility rights (or I should have, anyway). Here are my thoughts without getting too controversial or debating an issue. When I check my health insurance coverage, in an alphabetical list, the very top of the list is a women's reproductive right and it's covered. So if that's covered, why isn't my right covered? Essentially what they are saying to me is that one right is more important than the other. Or it's probably more accurate to say, mine is not a right at all. What kind of a message does this send to families who so desperately want to become parents and could very well become parents if they had IVF coverage? It says that we're just not important. I don't know about you, but that's not okay with me. And if a certain organization for women's rights really cared about ALL women, they would be fighting for infertility rights, as well.

So within the realm of what I can do, Bob and I are currently talking to anyone who will listen within his companies HR about their lack of infertility treatment coverage. We began by tweaking a sample letter found on the RESOLVE website to express our displeasure with the lack of coverage. We're working our way up the chain of command and working to make this coverage a reality for all families within IHS, Inc. After all, if IHS, Inc. wants to be seen as a family-friendly company, they need to actually be one. That means helping families within their company become parents with Infertility treatment coverage. We've already spoken with four HR executives within IHS, Inc. and this morning, we just sent it on to the Senior Vice President and Chief HR Officer for IHS, Inc. He is to the top of the HR food-chain and reports directly to the CEO. We'll see what happens.

I believe that one of the most important things that we can do on this journey is to empower ourselves. We are not helpless. There is also strength and power in numbers. Alone, this can feel like an impossible fight, but together, I believe that we can do this. The Infertile community demands to be heard.

Is Your Body Baby Friendly? and Unexplained Infertility

I've just begun to read the book Is Your Body Baby-Friendly? by Alan e. Beer, M.D. It focuses on "unexplained" infertility, m/c and IVF failure. Although I am only at the beginning of this book, I'm especially intrigued at the notion that my immune system could be posing an issue to conceiving again. Dr. Beers also believes that it is safe to assume that an immune system problem may be suspected in cases of unexplained infertility.


Dr. Beer has identified 5 categories that could potentially pose a conception or pregnancy threat, including:

• Category 1 - The couple's tissue is too compatible
• Category 2 - Blood-clotting problems
• Category 3 - An immune reaction to the baby
• Category 4 - Both partners produce antibodies to sperm
• Category 5 - White blood cells run riot - this category includes Natural Killer Cells (NK Cells), Antibodies to hormones and Antibodies to neurotransmitters

I've keyed in on Category 5 for myself based on the factors identified in this book, specifically dealing with NK cells. No let me begin by saying that I am not a scientist and don't pretend to be. I'm just trying very hard to understand and interpret what Dr. Beer is trying to say. And to anyone out there, please feel free to chime in if you can shed any light on all of this. If I'm understanding correctly, we are all born with NK cells. They are the bodies way of trying to defend us against cancer, etc. They are part of our  bodies natural defenses. 

Okay, now the info gets a little bit much for me to completely understand, but I did zone in on the section of cytotoxic NK cells, because it states that the highest levels are found in women with one or more liveborn child(ren) followed by secondary infertility. Ding! Ding! Ding! My radar really went off with this statement. 

Okay, so what now? What can I do with this new information? Well, at the very least, I'm going to bring it up to both my OB and my RE. My OB because he was there during my last pregnancy and the loss of Robert. He has all the results from both testing of Bob and I and from Robert's autopsy. And my RE, because he's my go-to-guy for my infertility now. I don't know what they'll say and if there's really anything else that I can do at this point. All I know is that until I've exhausted all my resources, I will not settle for unexplained infertility. I'm hoping and praying that one of my doctors can help me do additional testing that could potentially reveal more about what exactly is going on in my body. 

I'd be very interested and appreciative in hearing about any other infertility testing that others have had done. 

Unexplained Infertility

I hate I've been labeled infertile. Furthermore, I hate that it's unexplained infertility. What exactly does that mean, anyway? Okay, I do know the literal meaning. What I don't like is that it's so indefinite. Could it be anymore ambiguous? It is such a helpless diagnosis. It makes me feel powerless against this fight. I feel like if I knew what it was, I could have a more "targeted" response. But alas, it is unexplained. For now, anyways.

I know that my OB and RE have done all the necessary, preliminary fertility testing. They've done what they think they are supposed to do and truthfully, nothing more. Don't get me wrong. I really do love my RE and my clinic. But let's face it. They are in the business of making babies. It behooves them to do the minimum when it comes to testing and slowly "nudge" us to either IUI or IVF. Why? Because it's money. I'm not calling this good or bad, it just is. But what I am saying is that most clinics are perfectly okay with handing out an unexplained infertility diagnosis because it means more of a chance that we will move on to ART and as we all know, ART is not cheap. And if we really want to be honest, our IVF dollars are not going so they can send it to charities in Africa. More likely it's going towards their new Mercedes. No, I am not trying to make our RE's sound like the bad guys, but Infertility is a business. And a huge business, at that.

So what's my point? The point is that it is my job to be my own infertility advocate. It's not that they don't care. It's just that it's my job to be informed. I fear that I have not done enough homework, but now I'm playing catch-up and all I can say is, "Holy Cow! I'm learning a lot!"

What I'm coming to realize is that unexplained does not have to be the end. Maybe it will be, but until I've pushed for more testing, I'm not settling for that diagnosis.