A normal boy

Monday's appointment at UNC was interesting. The morning started with a message from Dr. Segal stating that he had several of my test results and that the Dr. at UNC would be able to go over them with me; he noted that my Antinuclear Antibody (ANA) level did come back positive.

Dr. Goodnight began by going over all the test results, past and present. Other than the positive ANA, everything came back normal. No sign of an autoimmune disorder. Negative for Lupus. No blood-clotting disorders (from what was tested on 2/24). I am healthy. Of course this is great news. I don't want to be sick or have underlying issues. But part of me was hoping that just maybe I would have some answers to why Robert died and to why I'm not able to get pregnant again. Ultimately hoping that we would not have to come to IVF.

I pushed further on the positive ANA and the Dr. believes that it was either a false positive or that I am part of a percentage of the population that simply lives with a higher ANA but never has any other problems. We discussed aspirin therapy. While he believes that aspirin will do nothing for me, he saw no harm in me starting baby aspirin therapy - one, 81 mg. tablet once a day.

Then we moved on to tests that were performed during and after my pregnancy. This had to be the hardest part of the afternoon. We rehashed every detail from my last pregnancy, including the autopsy and testing of my placenta. I learned for the first time that the cells from Robert did not grow, that only the cells from the placenta had grown. And what did they show? A normal boy. It was deeply painful to hear this. My son was a healthy, normal boy and my body failed him.

Essentially the reasoning for going over these tests was actually to reassure us that the chances of another pregnancy having the same result was next to nil. And while I was happy to hear this, I'm still struggling 19 months later as to why I can't get pregnant again. I'm still labeled "unexplained". I hate that label.

And although very well intentioned, the Dr. actually went on the say things like,
"Well, you're still young. You have plenty of time to still have more children."
And, "You can always save up for two years and then do IVF."
And my personal favorite, "Maybe taking a break will help."

Ugh! So not the cliches I want to hear over and over again. I still hold to the fact that there are many doctors who can use some serious sensitivity training and a list of what not to say to a family who's been afflicted with loss and infertility.

We've now come to the reality that IVF is our last option. I still pray that God will help us to become pregnant again naturally, but I also have to realize that the likelihood of this is growing smaller each day. I'm grateful that IVF is even an option for us. I know that it's not cheap. I know that we'll most likely have to dip into what little retirement we have in order to pay for IVF. But I still cling everyday to Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG) - "I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."