My first round of Clomid

AF showed last night, so that means I'll begin my first round (and hopefully, my only cycle) of Clomid (100mg) tomorrow. I'm taking Clomid CD3-7, Estrodial CD8-12 and taking guaifensin for CD10-20. I'm scheduled for a blood draw on CD22 to check my progesterone level. I'll be taking it at night, as recommended by several women, to sleep through the hot flashes.

In addition to meds, I'm charting, temping with a Basal thermometer and using the Answer OPK's. And by the way. Walmart has it cheapest; 20 strips for only $18.37. Oh, and I'm also still using Pre-seed. So if it doesn't work this time, I don't know what will?!

I'm off to MI for 10 days to visit my brother, SIL and nephew. I'm hoping that being away from the normal day-to-day "stuff" will help me to relax and not stress too much about what I have to do. 

I'm having a "talk" with Bob tonight about everything I'm doing so that he's aware of possible side effects, aka: hot flashes, moodiness, etc. So, he should be used to most of these.

Here I go again

The waiting game begins but again. With this being the last cycle before starting Clomid, I'm hoping and praying for that BFP this weekend. If not, it's AF (probably Sunday) and my first round of Clomid CD3-7 beginning on or around Tuesday. I'm still clearly nervous with the whole idea of taking Clomid. I know plenty of women who've had wonderful luck and success with using Clomid. I'm still uneasy about pushing my body into doing something that it's not doing naturally. I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about the increased risk of multiples. Sure it's a 10% increase, but throw into the mix that I've already conceived twins naturally. Not to mention the increased risk of miscarriage with multiples. So I'm sure that you can understand my feelings about it all. But on the other hand, I know that God is control. If that's what he has planned for me, than I know that he'll provide. I know that he'll take care of me. This much I know is true.

Four years ago...

I still can't believe that my little man will be four years old tomorrow. Yes, the time does fly. What the last 9 months has taught me more than anything is to truly savor and enjoy every minute that I have with Mason, Bob and our precious family and friends. Do we even realize how blessed we are to have such special people in our lives? I believe that one of the ways that God shows his love for us is by the people that he blesses us with. Each one is a gift to be treasured, not wasted. And we in turn love God by loving others.

I'm so grateful today for Mason! Happy Birthday, my love. Momma loves you so much!

Psalm 37:4

I think that it's really important to keep ourselves in check when it comes to what we want. And more importantly, does it line up with what God wants for our lives? So many times, we can get so caught up in what we want and the pursuit of getting there that we forsake everything else in the process. I can see how TTC could push couples into that mentality. 

I do desire to have another child, but I've also kept with the "mantra" of His will be done, not mine. Meaning, if God wants to add another child to our family, then he will. But I also feel that he has placed that desire within me to be a mom again and that he wants to give that to me. He also provides ways beyond ourselves at times in order to fulfill those desires. 

*If* we're not pregnant again this month, I'll start on my first cycle of Clomid in June. I know the risks. I know the side effects. I'm nervous but willing to give it a try. His will, not mine.

What's in a Name?

As I sit here watching my beautiful son play outside with his father (aka my amazingly sexy husband), I can't help to think what it really means to be a mom. Beginning with the moment I found out that I was pregnant for the first time and even beyond my last breath, I am forever Mason and Robert's mom. And I as I watch Mason grow and eventually, leave me and Bob to begin his own life and family, I am still his mom. 

But what does it mean to be a mom? Is it enough to just be called "mom" or "momma" or "mommy"? Is being a mom a right or a privilege? As we travel through the many seasons of our lives, so we watch the seasons of motherhood change. Even though Mason needs me in different ways than he did when he was an infant, he still needs me. And so it goes for us even as adults. We may not need our mothers in the same way we did as children, but we never stop needing our moms.

When I was 13, I saw my own mom go through the painful loss of my grandmother. Even as a young teenager, I can still remember the anguish that she went through of knowing that her mom was no longer physically here. So my question has been and continues to remain, "Why in the world would she want me to go through not having a mom when she knows how painful it's been for her?" And is it even worse to know that my mom IS physically here, but no longer wants to be a mom to her own children? I am 32 years old and I still need my mom. Sure, I don't need her in the same ways that Mason does, but I still need her. Why can't she give that to me? I don't think I'll ever understand.

My appointment tomorrow

So even though it's one cycle of not preventing and five cycles of actively trying, it is six months total and I just couldn't wait any longer. So I'm off to see my OB/GYN tomorrow to discuss what's going on with TTC and to see what my options are. I figure that with all the wonderful medical help out there for couples who are TTC, why wait any longer. Since my cycles are not normal, it is very likely that my ovulation is not normal. So, my guess is that he'll suggest Clomid. If this is the key to jump starting my cycles again, I'm really okay with it. I know that there is a 10% chance of twins on Clomid, which I have no problem with. I figure that if that's how God wants to bless us, he'll give us what we need to do it. I have several friends who have conceived on Clomid within one to two cycles. Keeping my fingers crossed...

I never thought I'd be in this place. You never think it will happen to you until you're living it, and even then you're still surprised. I pray that tomorrow I'll begin to have some answers. 

Enough with the comparing, already

It's hard enough when your ttc and not getting preggers month after month. But what's worse is when people try to compare you with everyone else. "Your ONLY on month six of trying. It took my friend over a year to get pregnant." And of course, that must be horrible to go through, but everyone is on their own journey with ttc and comparisons usually don't go over well. 

When you're on month six of ttc after a miscarriage and a stillbirth, the wait is torture. You can't help but start to wonder if there is something really wrong. It's not uncommon for women to have fertility issues on a second or third pregnancy; could this be happening to me? My gut (or, my ovaries :-) is telling me that something is just not right. We shall see.

So yes, AF did rear her ugly head yesterday morning and so it's another month of ttc. When I do finally get my period, it's this strange dichotomy of sadness and relief. Sad that it's another month of not getting pregnant; relieved to be over the torture of waiting to see if I am pregnant. It's like this pretty much every month. It can really be emotionally draining. But then you just gear up for another month of OPK's and charting and timing sex. It's like a second job. This month I'm adding in Pre-seed to the mix. It's supposed to help with the conception process and I'm willing to try just about anything at this point. Between that and using the Answer OPK again, I feel like I'm doing all I can.

This will be our last month of trying until we head in to see my Dr. It will most likely mean a fertility specialist and both Bob and I evaluated, which will be a first for us. We did go through genetic testing and evaluation, but any additional testing (through autopsy) was done on Robert and my placenta after I delivered. And of course, everything came back fine. But this time around it's different. It's looking at our ability to conceive. I'm not quite sure what to expect. I'm a little nervous. I know that God is teaching me something through all of this.