Everyday I open my eyes, walk out my door or turn on my computer, it's like walking through a minefield. Will something or someone trigger those unmistakable feelings that stem from grieving infertility and the loss of a son? I hate that those possibilities are even there. I hate that I never know when something may trigger and, "BOOM!" I hate that my mind can so easily hone on a detail that reminds me.
Case in point - my job. I love my new job. I love that I get to interact with people again. But part of my job involves checking in kids to childcare while parents are working out. I must find their card to hand over with name tags. When I see the kids and scan the card for names, I see the birth dates and my mind instantly goes to how old Robert would be. If the child's birthdate is close to his, I begin to study the child, looking at what they're doing. How they're communicating, interacting with their mom or dad. And then once again, I grieve what I've lost. It doesn't happen all the time, but it does occasionally, and it's just enough to remind me once again.
Next, facebook. Ugh. I don't even know where to begin with this one. In the wake of media like facebook and twitter, we're absolutely bombarded with instantaneous, personal details of our "friends" lives. Besides not caring what you just ate for lunch or the size of your bowel movement (okay, so I'm slightly over-exaggerating, but only slightly. Have you seen some of those crazy posts?!), then those of us who are struggling with loss and infertility feel the barrage of baby banter and news. So I may innocently hop on my fb news and BAM! Completely blind-sided by another baby announcement! Now can they do whatever they want? Absolutely! Should they be happy that they're pregnant? Yes! But do I have to read it? Nope! Love hiding those feeds or a person altogether. Do I have to be incredibly happy for them, plaster on my fake smile and give a congrats? Nope. Am I obligated to respond to invitations on fb or by text?!?!? to a baby shower? Nope!
But does this mean that I'm a bitter infertile? No. It means that infertility and loss is devastating. It means that I walk in grief and have constant reminders around me. It means that I will never, ever forget what this feels like. Because if I am able to become pregnant again and bring that sweet baby home, I would never, ever want someone else to feel this pain. And now that I know how it feels, I have absolutely no excuse. Now it's true that I don't know how it feels to be pregnant after infertility, but I know what it feels like before, and that's enough to know that I won't be making any big announcements on fb. Read my blog? Fine, because then this would become a blog about my pregnancy and new baby. It's a choice to come here. But if and when we get our good news, I'll be using the old-fashioned way to let friends and family know.
And last, those pregnant bellies. Sometimes I feel like I'm a magnet for pregnant women. Or I can't walk through Target or go to church without seeing bellies everywhere! And the hand! Oh, the hand on the belly! Yes! We all know that you're pregnant. And yes, I realize that sometimes it's just comfortable to rest your hand there. But really? Do you have to sit and just caress it, every stroke screaming, "Look what I have! Look what you don't have!" Ahhh!!! It's torture.
And I clearly realize that I may have offended some people with this post. But, hey, it's nothing personal. And it's my blog and I can say what I want to (as I blow raspberries!) I think I actually feel a little better getting that out.
Rant over.
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