A Case of the "What-if's?"

"But forget all that- 

it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.

For I am about to do something new.

See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?

I will make a pathway through the wilderness.

I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." 

Isaiah 43:18-19 (NLT)

I admit it. I have a case of the "what-if's?" That's when you find yourself thinking over the past and asking, "What if...?" You fill in the blank. Maybe it's a question of regret. A lot of the what-if's are based on regret, in my opinion. 

"What if I'd been a different major in college?"

"What if I'd made better choices when I was younger?"

"What if? What if? What if?"

Much of my what if's are over the last few years. It's mostly at night, lying in bed, when everything is quiet and it's just me and my thoughts. 

"What if Robert had not died?" Yeah, that seems to be a reoccurring one for me lately. I find myself playing over and over in my head what I did during my pregnancy. What I ate. What I drank. My activities. Could I have prevented it? And of course, in the end, it's a fruitless pursuit, only ending in sadness and disappointment. What if?

"What if we had gone through with our 2nd IVF cycle?" If I had done my cycle as planned and become pregnant, I would be due in two months, right around my 34th birthday, in fact. I'd be planning for a new baby. A new brother or sister for Mason. A new start after the nightmare of loss and infertility over the past 2 1/2 years. What if?

"What if we do try IVF again and it doesn't work?" I'm acutely aware that there are no guarantees when it comes to fertility treatments. That after the money is spent and the cycle is complete, we could still be right back where we are now. What if?

2 Corinthians 10:5 reminds me to keep my thoughts captive. In fact, the "what-if's" draw me further from   knowing God because it causes me to selfishly focus on me and what I want, rather than on Him and what He wants to accomplish through me. So when I do feel a case of the "what-if's" coming on, I can ask Him to help me redirect my thoughts. 

The only place that the "what-if's" live is inside my head. Essentially, I'm living in the past instead of embracing my present and looking forward to the future. It's easy to get stuck living in the past. In fact, that's how the enemy would prefer we live. Drudging through the guilt and regrets of our past holds us back from living a truly abundant life. A life right in front of me, not behind. 

Bob and I are in the process of praying over and making some big decisions for our family this year. More infertility treatments, possibly abroad? Adoption, either domestic or international? But I know that the only way I'll be able to move forward is to quit looking back. 

Today Lord, I surrender all my "what-if's."