If I would have delivered on my original due date, tomorrow would have been Robert's 2nd Birthday; it's almost hard to believe. I don't even know why I thought of my due date today. It mostly hits me on the day I found out Robert died or the date I delivered him. I can't help but to think of what my life would be like now with a 5 1/2 year old and a two year old. Two boys. Two brothers. It's been over two years now since Robert died and I still miss him. Grief is a funny thing (um, not funny "ha, ha"). It's peculiar. You're able to move forward, but you never forget. You never know when or how it will hit you, even years after your loss. There's no statute of limitations on grief.
It's important for people to remember that no matter how many other children you have or may have in the future, you must be allowed to grieve the child you've lost. I know that people don't mean to be malicious or mean spirited, but there must be a sensitivity when it comes to loss, specifically referring to miscarriage or still birth. There are things that if others knew, they may not make the mistake of saying or doing something that can be devastating to those who've suffered a loss. Maybe this will help others to understand.
~20 Things Those Who've Suffered a Loss Wish People Would Understand~
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never say my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is that I love my baby and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside of me.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it's my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is that it may get easier with time but I will never be "over this".
12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't a real baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.
13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day my baby was delivered are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14. I wish you would understand that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs and values. Please try to get to know the real me --- maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me to have another baby. The truth is that I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you do.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.
20. I wish you would understand that what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say it happens to me again.
Thank you Katy...
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