Holy Hot Flash!

So I'm on CD9 and done with Clomid and on to Estradiol for CD8-12. I have to admit that this month, my Clomid made me feel a little out of sorts. Okay, so it made me a big, bad "you-know-what"! I hate feeling so cranky, moody and on edge all the time. Not to mention the MAJOR hot flash I got last night. Yikes! Then throw in taking my BBT every morning, charting, and playing the waiting game and I'm just getting a little burned out. 

Bob and I keep praying and remaining hopeful, but I'm also feeling like *if* it doesn't happen by round three of Clomid, I may need a breather. Maybe a break of a few months would be good to relieve some of the stress and pressure of TTC. I know that feel led to do what's right for us. 

On top of it all, the one year anniversary of when Robert died is definitely weighing heavy on our hearts. I guess I thought that I'd be pregnant by that point and not dealing with the pressure of TTC and still grieving our loss. Losing Robert never goes away and I believe that it is impacting our TTC. 

Day 2, Cycle 2

So it's another cycle of Clomid and yet again, the physical and emotional roller coaster that is sure to accompany it all. When we decided to TTC again last year, I really had no preconceived notions about what to expect or how long it would take. Now, I'm secretly hoping I'm pregnant again before August 21st. I don't know why I expect it to not be as hard, but I'm hoping it's a hurdle to be over by then. 

I have to say that I am so very thankful for the amazing women that I've "met" through this journey of fertility and of Clomid. I've encountered some truly beautiful women who are struggling as I am to become pregnant again and it's really anchored me. 

And even though we walk on similar paths and can share our charts and advice and laugh and cry over BFN's or hopefully, BFP's, ultimately, we know that we travel alone. There is no identical fertility experience. There are no maps or charts to tell us where to go or to "make" our bodies do something that it does not want to do. It is our own personal journey. 

But then again, I'm never really alone. I know that God is traveling right beside me.

There's always a lesson to be learned

So, I don't think this is going to be my month. My progesterone levels came back on Friday at 28.5, so I definitely ovulated. But my temps are plummeting which is not a good sign. Now I just wait for AF and then it's a refill on Clomid and I start on cycle two (which is actually cycle 8 of TTC).

I have to admit that I've really learned a lot this month. No, not just how to get on a schedule of what medications to take on which day and how to keep track of my Basal Body Temperature (BBT). God has made very evident to me the act of surrender. What I've realized is that I have not been completely surrendering my fertility to God. I've been praying that he'll help me to become pregnant again, but I've kept it "me" focused, not God focused. "Me" focused looks at how it will impact me and make me happy; God focused keeps it about him. And the truth is that it doesn't matter how good a fertility drug is or how many other women it's helped. God is still the one who will determine when I will conceive again; God is in control.

So today I surrender my fertility completely to God. My hearts prayer is that I keep God-focused while I travel this road of TTC. I pray blessings for the child that I know God will bring to our family. I praise God now for what he's already doing and for what he's going to do. 

A typical month

So once again, I find myself in the last week of my cycle and waiting for either the infamous AF or, hopefully, a BFP. To someone who does not have to work so hard to TTC, they might not understand how it feels throughout the month. 

In the beginning of my cycle, it's really a mix of emotions. I'm disappointed that I'm not pregnant for another month, but I quickly go to preparing myself for what I need to do for my next month in order to TTC again. Then there's all the other things in between, like meds, and temping, and OPK's and the right lubricant. So meanwhile I'm having to put my body through all this "stuff" and all Bob has to do is show up for sex. Yeah, poor Bob!

And then I get to this week, the last week of my cycle, and I sit and wait. I know at this point that we've done all we can for a month, but the wait is agony. I look for signs, any signs, that I may or may not be pregnant. This week is a little different in that I'll go in on Wednesday for blood work to check my progesterone level; if it's high, than I've successfully ovulated - low and it's another cycle of Clomid. And then even if I have ovulated, there's no guarantee that this is the month. 

I fully admit that I'm tired. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to do this anymore. Why, especially after losing Robert, that I have to work so hard to become pregnant again? And then I remember that God knows so much better than I do what is best for me. He knows my body inside and out. He quietly urges me to have faith and keep believing that he has it all under control. He requires that I surrender my fertility, just like everything else, to him and him alone.