It's Okay to Not be Okay

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, 
just as in fact you are doing." 

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

To say I've been in a funk lately is the understatement of the century. The last few weeks have been tough for me and I've definitely been struggling. It's not one thing in particular, but a culmination of many things that have piled up to make one ginormous pile of doody (I think I stole that expression from Mason). 

And if you're anything like me, no matter how bad you may be feeling or how much you may be struggling, you start off by trying to hide it from everyone around you. Sure, you pray about it, tell yourself that you're surrendering, but it's still there. Hanging over you. Not matter how hard you try to shake it, it's still there.

And you don't ask for help (at least not right away), because then it will show your weakness, make yourself too vulnerable. After all, you're the one who's supposed to be supporting others, encouraging others.

And then, after you put up this front long enough and you can no longer maintain the facade, the cracks begin to show. Maybe not to everyone, but to just a few.

This week, I cracked. Not much, but just enough for my weakness to show to those who loved me and cared about me. 

Within a few days time, I had five, yes, FIVE, friends contact me either in person, over the phone, by text or by email to see what was going on with me. I had told no one how I was feeling. I made no mention that I was struggling or what was going on in the last few weeks. God knew what He was doing.

You see, when you do get into a funk, it's easy to tell yourself that you're alone, that no one cares. But friends are God's way of reminding us of just how close He is to us. When you've invested in strong, Godly relationships (like I'm so thankful I have), He's going to use those around us to pick each other up when we don't have the strength to do it ourselves. God makes himself evident to us through the lives around us. 

I'm very grateful to say that I'm slowly starting to feel much better. I feel like the fog is lifting and although I'm not 100% and the problems and issues that were there before are still here, I'm beginning to cope much better. 

I have to remind myself that it's okay to not be okay; there's no such person as Super Woman. That sometimes I'm going to be the one who needs to be encouraged. That I can't do it one my own. That when I am weak, He is strong.

A Fresh Start

So here I am, at a new blog address, new blog title, new blog design. Sometimes it's nice to have a change.

I wish it were possible for me to be able to simply write my own experiences, my own life, in my own words without people getting on my blog and making it about them, but it's not. So instead of making my blog private, I went this route and seriously doubt there's any chance of these negative people ever finding my here. But if they did (and they'd seriously have to stalk me in order to do so), I guess it is what it is.

So as I do begin to write again on my own blog, I'll preface it with this. It's simply that: my own personal blog. It's my own personal experiences. It's my own personal insight's. It's my own personal faith. It's my record of my life. If you can relate in any way or if it encourages you, that's great. If you think completely different than I do, that's great, too. Agree. Disagree. Read it. Don't read it. I don't care. But take it for what it is.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Day #3 of The 30-day Giving Challenge - Cancer and a hot meal

When I arrived home from Africa, I learned that sadly, one of our neighbors had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I don't know this neighbor well, but we're friendly and would say hi at the pool during the summer and wave in the neighborhood. I do know that she's young, a wife and mother of 3 children. She's a daughter and probably a sister. She has friends and family that have all been affected by her diagnosis. The scope of cancer goes far beyond just her or her immediate family. I hate cancer.

Another neighbor has rallied together the neighborhood to support this woman and her family while she's undergoing Chemo, doing what she can to support her through allowing people to sign-up to bring meals during the week, especially on Chemo days.

So last night, I had the privilege of preparing and bringing a meal to my neighbor and her family. It wasn't much, just a homemade chicken pot-pie, a salad and a chocolate pie, but she and her family were so gracious and so appreciative.

Her head was wrapped with a silk scarf, as she quietly explained that she'd already lost all of her hair. And that although she had a wig, it was more comfortable to go without. I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like.

As I pulled out of her drive-way, my eyes welled up with tears and my thoughts immediately went to my grandma. My mom's mom was diagnosed with cancer at age 50, a few years before I was born. She fought courageously and even after a long bout of remission, lost her battle 15 years later. I, too, remember the silk scarfs that used to wrap  my grandmothers head when she was sick and having treatments. I remember seeing my grandmother, truly the most healthy women I have ever known, grow smaller and more sick as the cancer slowly took her life.

And even though my beautiful Grandma Johnson had cancer and was in and out of remission for the entire time that I had with her, there are two things that stick out to me most about my grandmother, two legacies that she left for me.

First, she left a legacy for Jesus. She didn't just call herself a Christian or "spiritual" (gag), her life spoke volumes to the fact that she loved the Lord and she was a true servant for Jesus. When she asked Jesus into her heart and gave her life to him, it not only changed her life, but the life of her entire family and in ways that she'll never even know. Because then my mom became a Christian. Both her and my grandma began to attend Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) and were even leaders. Then my mom brought me to the children's program of BSF and in May of 1982, at the age of five, I accepted Jesus into my heart. Fast forward to this year and I led my own five year old son to Jesus. My grandma loved Jesus and made sure that everyone around her knew just how important that her relationship was. She understood that even though it's a personal relationship, it not a private one. She knew the power of Christ and wanted to make sure that no one missed it. Talk about a legacy for Christ.

And even more, I spoke to my mom just yesterday and she has started BSF again. She thought that her leader looked familiar and when she went to speak with her, she found out that her leader not only knew my grandmother, but talked about how much she enjoyed her and most importantly, how much she loved the Lord. Hearing that made my day.

The second thing that I remember about my grandma, especially when it came to her battle with cancer, is that she never played the victim. Sure, having cancer was brutal and something that eventually killed her, but she knew that God had a plan for her life and she wasn't about to succumb to the, "Woe is me. I have it worse than everyone else" syndrome that is so prevalent today. I never heard my grandma complain, but I do remember seeing her on her knees in prayer. I'm positive that she struggled, but she ultimately laid it has feet. Even in the midst of her own battle with cancer, she gave of her time and her heart. She was always volunteering or at church. She lived and died with cancer, but made sure that the world knew she was victorious through Christ, not a victim of her circumstances.

Next month marks 20 years since my grandma went to be with the Lord. I miss my grandma.

Day #2 of The 30-day Giving Challenge - Love letters and simple giving

So for my first day of the giving challenge, I decided to start right here at home. And who better to start with than my fabulous husband, Bob. So here's my chance to brag a little bit...

Bob and I have been married for 9 years and together for 10. Bob is not just my husband, but he's everything that God intended for me to have in a partner. He's my confidant. He's my number one cheerleader. He's my comic-relief. He's my lover. He's my best friend. We are not married out of duty or obligation, but our marriage is built on God-principles and based upon love and respect. Do we have the "perfect marriage"? Absolutely not! No one does! But we are acutely aware of just how imperfect we are and we come to the cross daily to leave our marriage at His feet.

And above all else, Bob is the spiritual leader of our home. He puts everything in it's natural order: God, wife, children and then everything else. I'm incredibly proud of the man that Bob is and I love watching him become such an incredible man of God. I am so proud to have Bob as my husband.

But I also realize the important role that I have as his wife. God has placed me by Bob's side as his helper and encourager. Bob needs to know that I support him and love him and that I'm proud of him. He needs to know that he's appreciated and that I recognize how hard that he works for me and for our family.

I love writing Bob love letters, but in the last few months, I've started leaving messages with a dry erase marker on both Bob's and Mason's bathroom mirrors. It's my little love letter to the men in my life. So here was yesterday's message (and no laughing at the pet name!):

"Always know how much I love you. 

I'm so proud of you.

Love, Sugarplum"

I realize that often times the best gift that I can give to my husband is the gift of encouragement. It may be a simple, "Thank you." Or maybe a written note that I hide somewhere in the house for him to find. Or maybe a love letter written to him on the bathroom mirror, just so he knows how much I love him and just how proud I am to be his wife. The smallest gestures can be the biggest gift in someone's life.

And while I'm here, I'll report what I've already given for Day #2...

A few weeks ago I befriended a homeless kid outside of BJ's. His name is Lindsay and he's 18 years old. He spent his life in the foster care system and recently aged out, only to end up out on the streets. I keep looking for him every time I'm in that area, but haven't seen him again since. Since that day, I've started keeping a large bag in my car full of clean clothes and old jackets, blankets and food. In the event that I see Lindsay again, I'll have some things to pass along to him (as well as some resources that I've since found out about for him). 

I looked for Lindsay today, but I didn't see him. However, I did see another man on a corner that is frequented by homeless men and women, especially now that the weather has become cold. At that red light, I was able to give this man a few t-shirts, a sweater, a blanket and a bag full of snacks and food. It took little to no effort for me to put the bag together and have it available if I saw someone in need.

What will Day #3 bring?

My weekend in photos

We had such a busy weekend, so I thought I'd share the photos from our fun-filled, Halloween weekend!
Enjoy!

Fun on the farm on Mason's Field trip

Time to carve the pumpkin (and take out the brains, as Mason would say!)

The Annual Neighborhood Halloween Party

(I LOVE my neighborhood!)

Halloween Dinner and Trick-or-Treating with friends

(and yes, it is impossible to get eight kids to look at the camera at once, but at least Mason's smiling!)

The 30-day Giving Challenge

Nobody can do everything, but everyone can do something. 
~ Author Unknown

Today is November 1st and if you're anything like me, you already feel flung head first into the upcoming holiday season. I love the holidays. Spending time with friends and loved ones. The festive decorating. Choosing that perfect gift for your spouse and children. The food! Ah, so many things to love and yet, so many things to stress over. Like, stressful times with family. All the time it takes to decorate (which, we as moms and women do most of!). Buying gifts on a budget. And gaining weight from all that food!

With Thanksgiving being only 3.5 weeks away, most of us begin to think about just how thankful we are. And while it's important to be thankful, it really puts the focus on us, "I'm thankful for ..." After all, there are two parts to Thanksgiving; the "thanks" part and the "giving" part. This month, I'm committing to the latter part of the word, the "giving" part. This month I'm committing to the 30-day Giving Challenge. Simply put, it's just what it sounds like. I'm taking each day during the month of November and I'm consciously making the effort to give. Give my time. Give my money. Give my resources. Just give of my heart. Let me be very clear that my giving has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Jesus. I will listen and respond to the promptings of the holy spirit. I'm pledging to God that I will continue to say yes to all the little things and that it will all be to His glory. Period.

I'm pretty excited to see where God will take me this month. He's already got ideas swirling around in my head, but I'm not going to share them here just yet because I don't want to ruin the surprise if I'm planning something for someone who reads my blog. You'll just have to wait and read what God does this month and I pledge to post about it everyday.

So I'm wondering who will join me? What can you do this month above and beyond what you normally do? How can you sacrificially give this month to His glory? Don't think of it as a service project or something to cross off your list but of something you get to do.

Here's to an awesome month of giving!