The In-Law Prayer

The In-Law Prayer*

God grant me the patience

to deal with my in-laws;

to accept their passive aggressive behavior

as a reflection of their own unhappiness

and to not take the things that they 

say or do personally.

To smile and politely nod

when my MIL tells me repeatedly (in her own special way)

that her daughter is a better:

Mom

Wife

Cook 

Woman

than I am. 

The courage to speak when necessary,

especially when it comes to Mason

and the way Bob and I choose to parent.

To encourage them to get to know

their grandson 

so that they realize that he's a six year old boy

and not a two year old little girl.

Please remind me constantly that I may be

the only way they see Jesus

today

tomorrow

or ever.

~Amen

*While this is loosely based upon The Serenity Prayer, I mean no disrespect to those in recovery and it is in no way intended to mock the original prayer. 

I never thought I'd...

If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that you never know just how you'll react to something or what you'll do until you're there, living in that moment. It's so easy to speculate what you would do or say in any given situation before you're there, but living it is a whole different story.

Mason has a Christmas tree in his room. Right now. As I type. Yes, it's the middle of May and my son has a Christmas tree in the corner of his room. It's about 3 feet tall and is strung with tacky, multi-colored lights and brightly colored ornaments. And every night, we plug in that tacky little, Charlie Brown Christmas tree and it's Mason's night light. I never thought I'd have a Christmas tree up in May, but I've learned that it's okay. That it's not a big deal. Mason loves it. It's in his room. I don't have to look at all the time. So what's the big deal? And that's the point: it's not a big deal.

So that got me thinking about all things I never thought I'd do. All the expectations (realistic or not) that I set for myself and when I finally got there I realized, "this isn't such a big deal, after all." And what about the judging. Yes, I have judged, especially before becoming a parent, about what I would do if my child did such and such a thing. Oh, how wrong I was.

So here's my list of some of the things I never thought I'd do. You may just be surprised:

1. I never thought I'd get married. But if I did, I wouldn't change my maiden name - Yep. I was Miss Independent in college. Ask anyone who knew me well. I was motivated, driven, and didn't have time for a serious boyfriend. And then one day, at my first job out of college, I met this cute guy in the break room at work, and everything changed. It didn't take long for me to fall head over heels for Bob and that was it. I even gave up being known as 'Katy Karr' for Katy Moyer.

2. I wasn't sure about having kids. At all - I always loved children, but I wasn't one of those girls who played house and was always the mom. But I guess that goes along with meeting the love of your life and wanting to have lots and lots of babies with them ;-)

3. I never thought I'd have to pay for a baby - So going from not sure if I wanted kids to wanting lots of kids, imagine my surprise when I realized that the only way that may ever happen is to pay for a baby. Now I'm not trying to be crass or insensitive; after all, I'm living this reality. But that reality is that whether we have more kids through fertility treatments or ultimately do adopt, it's been anything but orthodox. Talk about shaping a new perspective on what it means to grow your family.

4. I never thought I'd deliver a baby that I've never bring home - My whole reality shifted on August 21, 2008. That was the day that Robert died and I realized he would never make it home with us.  How does that happen? How do you go from having an ultrasound to being admitted that evening to be induced at 20 weeks and delivering a stillborn baby boy early the next morning? It's not even something that you'd ever think about. Why would you? Sometimes there are no answers.

5. I never thought I'd cherish the writing (or drawing) on the wall - Mason's almost six years old and not once has he drawn on the wall, ever. I know, pretty good streak, eh? That is until one night last week when Bob was relaxing and watching old episodes of The Office and I was taking a relaxing bubble bath. I came down the hall and was excitedly met by Mason, telling me that he wanted to show me what he had drawn for me for Mother's Day... on my hall wall... in pen. So it was much to my surprise when I grabbed my camera and got a picture of it BEFORE I went for a Magic Eraser or other method to scrub it off my precious wall. Don't get me wrong, we talked to Mason about how we don't draw on the walls, but I didn't freak out. Yay me!

6. I never thought I'd bribe my child with electronics while out to dinner - Bob and I had been married for about a year when we were out to dinner one evening. Across the restaurants I could see a family when young kids and, "oh the horror!", when I saw the parents take out a portable DVD player and plop it down in front of their kids. Bob and I talked about how we would NEVER do that as parents and how horrible it was, and on and on. Fast forward years later and we too were toting along the portable DVD player to dinner, very pleased with ourselves that we could actually enjoy a few bites of food without running after our child in a busy restaurant. Lesson learned: stop judging and mind your own business. And now that we have Angry Birds and Netflix on our cell phones, we continue to have peaceful dinners without any guilt, whatsoever.

If I really thought about it, I'm sure the list of "I never thought I'd..." would go on and on. But I've learned to give myself a break and to just live. And while it may not be what we thought our lives would look like or what we had anticipated, it's still worth savoring and celebrating, all of it. The good and the bad. The happy and the heartbreaking.

Taking it slowly

Yes, I know I disappeared for the last three months. Life has a way of getting away from us and here it is, already half-way through May.

We've been busy over the last few months and so much has happened. So much life has happened. Not exactly what we had hoped for or what we had planned, but isn't it always that way?

Part of me really missed writing about what was going on and another part of me just needed a break. A break from the the constant updates, reports and disappointing news. Not all bad of course, just a lot of time spent in the valley.

So here's a recap of the last few months:

- I turned 34 in March. Yikes! 34 years old. I don't feel 34. I don't think I look 34. In fact, I'm really enjoying this decade. My 30's have been good. Bob surprised me with a night away to Chapel Hill, where we stayed at The Franklin Hotel, had dinner at this sweet little Italian Cafe walking distance from our hotel and the most delicious dessert at Sugarland. We slept in, had a relaxing breakfast; it was heaven. My husband is awesome.

The view from our balcony at The Franklin Hotel

Dinner at 411 West Italian Cafe

The Presidential Suite - Our room for the night

- I'm working and loving it. I've been working part-time for six months now and I'm seriously loving it. Sure, the people I work with are great, but I love that I have something for me. Not that I didn't love being home with Mason, but now that he's been in Kindergarten, it's been nice to have something outside the home. For so long, I kept waiting, putting my life on hold thinking that I'd be pregnant again. We can't put our lives on hold hoping for something that is completely out of our control. Life keeps moving, and so should we. Or else, we risk missing out on the very best that God has in store for us.

- I went through a failed IVF cycle. Yeah, not the highlight of the last few months. We moved forward with a new fresh, IVF cycle at the end of March and all in all, the cycle was seamless. So different from last year's cycle. No cysts. Perfect ultrasounds and blood draws. Flawless. We knew going into it that I wasn't going to come out of egg retrieval (ER) with 20 eggs, so we were more than thrilled with 9 we got. With 6 mature and 5 of those fertilizing with ICSI, we really felt like we were on a roll. We transfered back two, three-day embryos on Good Friday and on May 3rd, got the dreaded news of BFN. It was hard and exhausting and I'm so glad we did it. I would not have changed a thing (other than getting pregnant, of course). The great news is that we have two remaining, absolutely beautiful, Grade A Blasts that are frozen for an option of moving forward with a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). It's a heck of a lot less invasive, less medications, and costs less (even though still not cheap.) I'll keep you all updated (when I'm ready, that is).

- Celebrating Mother's Day. It's always bitter-sweet for me. I'm absolutely blown away at just how blessed I am to have Mason, and yet I can't help but to miss Robert. It also fell this year just a few days after we found out that the cycle had failed, so a little bit of a bummer. But believe me, I know what I have. I know that I'm blessed. But it's still allowed to hurt. It's okay. On another note, Mother's Day fell on May 8th this year, the 15 year anniversary of when I gave my mom a kidney. Seems fitting to fall on that day. My mom and I have definitely had our share of struggles over the years, but our relationship is truly a testimony to the power of God and the beauty of reconciliation. Forgiveness is a powerful thing.

So slowly but surely, I'll be writing and blogging again. I can't promise that I'll give all the in's and out's of every personal detail of my life while it's happening, but I'm definitely back.