The Emotional Toll

*I want to preface this post by stating that I am not a medical professional nor can I diagnose depression. I am simply speaking personally about my own experience with infertility and depression.*

TTC can be physically tough, but no one really talks about the emotional toll that it begins to take. It begins to effect every aspect of your life and impacts your family, your marriage, friendships and your relationship with God. It becomes such a part of your life that it begins to feel like another job. It's an exhausting wave of hormones and emotions, rising and falling every month and finally crashing down so hard that you feel like you can't breath. 

Another aspect that women are often afraid to talk about is depression. I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of Robert. Since then, I've had situational depression while grieving his loss. And now, while I wade through the waters of infertility, I must be very aware of how easily depression can begin to creep in again. I think that depression may be easy to overlook because of all that you have going on when you're TTC, especially if you've had losses and infertility issues. Most likely you are on medications (oral or injected), having weekly tests, meeting with specialists. Depression could be disguised as just being tired or hormonal. 

Depression is also still very taboo (hmmm, very much like talking about miscarriage or pregnancy loss is). There is a lot of shame associated with being labeled with depression. But awareness and the ability to open up to your spouse or friends about how you're feeling is a key to keeping depression in check. It's also important to be aware of triggers that may bring on symptoms of depression.  

For me personally, I know what my triggers are and I still fall into the trap of depression. I've been on medication before, but am choosing not to be on anything now while we're TTC. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with being on anti-depressants while TTC or pregnant. This is just a personal choice. There are some things that I'm doing to help with my bouts of depression. First, I read my bible, pray and listen to christian music. Also, I have a few close friends who are aware of what I'm going through and don't let me withdraw (for too long, anyways). Even when I ignore their phone calls for almost a week (yes Jen, I am so appreciative of your love and friendship - I promise to call today!). 

Tired

Physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm just tired. Not to mention the fact that I was up watching old episodes of Family Ties on hulu and playing solitaire until 2am. Sweet tea is evil. I've got to cut myself off in the afternoon. Yeah, so I can start on the hard liquor! 

Today I start on CD10-20 0f guaifenesin (aka Mucinex) to begin to "thin" my mucus (yes, it thins ALL sorts of mucus). Eww, right? So very TMI but so part of my life right now. I also continue the Estradiol for a few more days. Who ever thought I'd be doing all this? Certainly not me! 

I was thinking about when Bob and I decided to TTC with Mason. We went out to our favorite restaurant, had a nice dinner and bottle of wine and he said, "You want to try for a baby?" "Sure!", I said enthusiastically! Then we finished the bottle of wine (and maybe a second one) went home and one cycle later... TADA! We were pregnant with Mason. Of course, we had our struggles with that pregnancy too, losing Mason's twin at 8 weeks pregnant. They called it a "vanishing twin," as if the baby decided to leave town on a shopping excursion without telling anyone. But after that, other than some wicked morning sickness, my first pregnancy was easy and a non-event.

Then came TTC for the second time. I ask Bob, "Do think I should have my Mirena taken out so we can TTC?" He responds, "Sure, why not?" I have it removed and 3 weeks later, BOOM, I'm preggers. I swear it only took one time while ovulating and I conceived. Of course, we know how that pregnancy turned out. 

And so here I am, TTC for the third time and absolutely desperate to become pregnant and to have another child and for the life of me, I can't get pregnant! Okay, so I shouldn't say "can't", but it's just very difficult this time around. And I think that's what boggles my mind so much. In the past, it was like speaking the words and I was pregnant. Now I'm doing everything possible for me right now and it's not happening. 

So I hear ALL sorts of advice from people. Just relax. Don't stress over it. Have more sex. Have fun! Uh, yeah, tried all those and I'm still not preggers. 

I made a "suggestion" to Bob that he may want to go to an Urologist just to make sure everything is okay with "the boys". He's not crazy about it, but he's willing. I also told him he's not longer allowed to ride his bike in the morning until we get pregnant again. Hey, you never know how it may effect everything down there. For the time being, I'm not leaving any stone unturned. 

I'm off to take my tired, non-pregnant butt to the pool with Mason.