The last few weeks have been rough. I'm pretty good at putting on a smile and just doing life, but I'm not afraid to say that I'm hurting.
I know that it must be hard for people to know how to react. What to say? What to do? Should they say something to me? Should they not bring it up because they don't want to upset me? There really is no right answer because everyone is so different in how they process grief. But I thought I'd take a moment to let you know what I need right now.
1. I'm grieving a tremendous loss and need time to process and grieve and heal, so please let me - In the last two months, we lost four embryos. And for us, that's four babies. Four lives that were made up of Bob and I. While two were transferred and lost and the other two died before transfer, they were lives lost. I have been through both a miscarriage and a stillbirth, and this experience is still equally devastating.
In addition to the physical loss, I am grieving the loss of my fertility. The loss of our families dreams of more biological children. The loss of a biological function that I'm supposed to be able to perform as a woman. I feel broken.
Grieving is a process, so don't be frustrated or irritated if I don't do it on a certain timeline.
2. Don't be afraid to talk to me about what I've gone through - I've obviously been very open and transparent about our loss and infertility. If you've read it, you know what's going on. Please don't feel like you have to tip-toe around me or avoid certain conversations. I am a little fragile right now, but I promise I won't break. In fact, just saying "I'm so sorry" and recognizing my hurt and pain goes a long way and let's me know you care.
3. I love to hear about your sweet babies, so please don't feel bad if you say something to me - I'm a momma and I love being one! Why do you think I want more? Because I know the absolute joy and blessing of having kids! I love to hold babies, to hear about what fun, new thing that they're doing. Please don't stop sharing with me. I promise that I'll let you know if it's too much.
4. Pregnant mommas can be tough to see and talk about, but let me be the judge - Once again, pregnancy is an amazing gift! I'm so excited for my pregnant friends. I pray for them and rejoice in their pregnancies. Any of my sadness comes from my inability to become and stay pregnant, not in someone elses pregnancy. Please understand the difference. And when it comes to baby showers or other events, I repeat my same sentiments of letting me be the judge of what I can or cannot do.
But I will add this - please tell me that you're pregnant in private and not in front of other people. Email works great. This gives me a chance to process the news. Also, please tell me yourself. It's no ones place to announce a pregnancy but the pregnant woman or her family. In fact, it's pretty poor manners to do so. Also, don't treat me like a child and tell me how I should feel i.e. excited, happy, etc. (Can you tell that I've had to deal with this before ;-/) And for goodness sake, please don't let me find out on facebook.
5. Don't automatically assume that we're immediately moving on to adoption - I'm a very strong proponent of adoption. I've had the priviledge of watching and supporting friends going through the adoption process right now. But adoption is not a consolation prize for the infertile. It is a very thoughtful, prayerful consideration and must be treated as such. To flippantly remark, "Well why don't you just adopt?" minimizes what our family is experiencing, as well as cheapens the gift of adoption. When and if we're ready to adopt, we'll let you know.
So what now? I'm not exactly sure. I'm enjoying my family. I'm helping Mason get ready to start 1st grade and planning a trip to Mexico for our 10th Wedding Anniversary coming up this fall. I'm continuing to believe that God is good and sovereign, even though there is so much that I don't understand. I still have hope in the future of our family, no matter what it may look like. I'm completely surrendering my hopes and dreams for His. I'm living.
