For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.
I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation.
Philippians 4:11-12 (NIV - emphasis added)
On Wednesday morning, my world stopped for a moment. As I busily got started with my morning, drinking that first cup of coffee and making Masons lunch, the phone rang much earlier than it normally does on a weekday morning; unless there's bad news, this is.
And then the name splashed across our caller id and that little digital voice called out the name of my doctor and my heart sank. As the blood rushed from my face, Bob handed me the phone and the embryologist on the other end gave me the dreaded news - our embryos did not survive the thaw.
You see, Wednesday morning was supposed to be my embryo transfer. Our last two, precious little babies began the thaw the night before for our 10 am transfer that would never come to be. Our two little babies, frozen together in the hopes of being placed in their home for the next nine months never made it there. On Wednesday morning, our last hopes of conceiving another child died, right along with our sweet babies.
Our journey with fertility treatments is over.
Our pastor just finished a series on money. I know, that's always a hard message to hear. Besides, it's no one's business what we do with our money, right? But of course if you're a believer, we already know that it's not our money to begin with, but it's God's money and he's entrusted us with it to further His kingdom.
Over the last few weeks, Bob and I have examined our finances to see if we're in check financially. Tithing? Check! Sacrificial giving? Check! Debt and savings? Much better than it was and working on it. But then we began to examine our finances in regards to fertility treatments. Now I could make all sorts of arguments here. I mean, wanting another child is not a bad thing AT ALL. In fact, I believe that it's a desire that God has placed on our hearts. I believe that it's His desire first, so I trust that He will make a way for it. But if my desire and pursuit to have another child supersedes my desire and pursuit of God, then we have a problem.
Most of us are familiar with Matthew 6:21 - "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." I can honestly say that over the last few years, my desire to have another baby has sometimes been more important than knowing God. Not more money. Not more stuff. Not wanting vacations or cars or things; wanting a baby. My heart has been centered on that desire, and our finances have followed. And while I've so actively pursued the treatments and manipulated finances to pay for medication and monitoring and everything else that it takes to *maybe* have another baby, He's been there all along. Whispering.
"Pursue me. Want me. Trust me." But instead, I pursued more treatments. I wanted a baby more. I trusted the Doctors and my money.
Sometimes we have to learn things the hard way.
I still strongly believe that for some families, fertility treatments ARE His plan. I have several friends who have had their beautiful children through the miracle of IUI and IVF. I have the utmost respect for the skilled doctors and nurses who make it a reality for so many families. It just wasn't His plan for our family.
Contentment (or lack thereof) is an age old struggle for believers and non-believers alike. It's easy to be content when we're in a good, "happy" place. When the stars align and it seems like everything is falling into place. But how long does it really last? Why is it that we always want more? More money. More stuff. More kids. If we're always focusing on what we don't have, we can't be content with what we do have and we miss out on the gifts right in front of us.
When Paul wrote his letter to the Church of Philippi, he was sitting in a prison cell. He wasn't hanging out in the lap of luxury, being fed grapes and lounging with kings. Nope. He was chained in prison. Hungry. Tired. But even still, he wrote of contentment. Not in what he had (or didn't have). Not in his stuff or his circumstance, but content in his source.
If I never have anymore children, will I be content? Everyone has their "thing". What's yours?
I'm not sure what God has in store for us next. The prayer of my heart is to be content with the blessings that I do have instead of focusing on what I don't. To focus on God, my ultimate source.
