The Emotional Toll

*I want to preface this post by stating that I am not a medical professional nor can I diagnose depression. I am simply speaking personally about my own experience with infertility and depression.*

TTC can be physically tough, but no one really talks about the emotional toll that it begins to take. It begins to effect every aspect of your life and impacts your family, your marriage, friendships and your relationship with God. It becomes such a part of your life that it begins to feel like another job. It's an exhausting wave of hormones and emotions, rising and falling every month and finally crashing down so hard that you feel like you can't breath. 

Another aspect that women are often afraid to talk about is depression. I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of Robert. Since then, I've had situational depression while grieving his loss. And now, while I wade through the waters of infertility, I must be very aware of how easily depression can begin to creep in again. I think that depression may be easy to overlook because of all that you have going on when you're TTC, especially if you've had losses and infertility issues. Most likely you are on medications (oral or injected), having weekly tests, meeting with specialists. Depression could be disguised as just being tired or hormonal. 

Depression is also still very taboo (hmmm, very much like talking about miscarriage or pregnancy loss is). There is a lot of shame associated with being labeled with depression. But awareness and the ability to open up to your spouse or friends about how you're feeling is a key to keeping depression in check. It's also important to be aware of triggers that may bring on symptoms of depression.  

For me personally, I know what my triggers are and I still fall into the trap of depression. I've been on medication before, but am choosing not to be on anything now while we're TTC. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with being on anti-depressants while TTC or pregnant. This is just a personal choice. There are some things that I'm doing to help with my bouts of depression. First, I read my bible, pray and listen to christian music. Also, I have a few close friends who are aware of what I'm going through and don't let me withdraw (for too long, anyways). Even when I ignore their phone calls for almost a week (yes Jen, I am so appreciative of your love and friendship - I promise to call today!). 

Tired

Physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm just tired. Not to mention the fact that I was up watching old episodes of Family Ties on hulu and playing solitaire until 2am. Sweet tea is evil. I've got to cut myself off in the afternoon. Yeah, so I can start on the hard liquor! 

Today I start on CD10-20 0f guaifenesin (aka Mucinex) to begin to "thin" my mucus (yes, it thins ALL sorts of mucus). Eww, right? So very TMI but so part of my life right now. I also continue the Estradiol for a few more days. Who ever thought I'd be doing all this? Certainly not me! 

I was thinking about when Bob and I decided to TTC with Mason. We went out to our favorite restaurant, had a nice dinner and bottle of wine and he said, "You want to try for a baby?" "Sure!", I said enthusiastically! Then we finished the bottle of wine (and maybe a second one) went home and one cycle later... TADA! We were pregnant with Mason. Of course, we had our struggles with that pregnancy too, losing Mason's twin at 8 weeks pregnant. They called it a "vanishing twin," as if the baby decided to leave town on a shopping excursion without telling anyone. But after that, other than some wicked morning sickness, my first pregnancy was easy and a non-event.

Then came TTC for the second time. I ask Bob, "Do think I should have my Mirena taken out so we can TTC?" He responds, "Sure, why not?" I have it removed and 3 weeks later, BOOM, I'm preggers. I swear it only took one time while ovulating and I conceived. Of course, we know how that pregnancy turned out. 

And so here I am, TTC for the third time and absolutely desperate to become pregnant and to have another child and for the life of me, I can't get pregnant! Okay, so I shouldn't say "can't", but it's just very difficult this time around. And I think that's what boggles my mind so much. In the past, it was like speaking the words and I was pregnant. Now I'm doing everything possible for me right now and it's not happening. 

So I hear ALL sorts of advice from people. Just relax. Don't stress over it. Have more sex. Have fun! Uh, yeah, tried all those and I'm still not preggers. 

I made a "suggestion" to Bob that he may want to go to an Urologist just to make sure everything is okay with "the boys". He's not crazy about it, but he's willing. I also told him he's not longer allowed to ride his bike in the morning until we get pregnant again. Hey, you never know how it may effect everything down there. For the time being, I'm not leaving any stone unturned. 

I'm off to take my tired, non-pregnant butt to the pool with Mason. 

Holy Hot Flash!

So I'm on CD9 and done with Clomid and on to Estradiol for CD8-12. I have to admit that this month, my Clomid made me feel a little out of sorts. Okay, so it made me a big, bad "you-know-what"! I hate feeling so cranky, moody and on edge all the time. Not to mention the MAJOR hot flash I got last night. Yikes! Then throw in taking my BBT every morning, charting, and playing the waiting game and I'm just getting a little burned out. 

Bob and I keep praying and remaining hopeful, but I'm also feeling like *if* it doesn't happen by round three of Clomid, I may need a breather. Maybe a break of a few months would be good to relieve some of the stress and pressure of TTC. I know that feel led to do what's right for us. 

On top of it all, the one year anniversary of when Robert died is definitely weighing heavy on our hearts. I guess I thought that I'd be pregnant by that point and not dealing with the pressure of TTC and still grieving our loss. Losing Robert never goes away and I believe that it is impacting our TTC. 

Day 2, Cycle 2

So it's another cycle of Clomid and yet again, the physical and emotional roller coaster that is sure to accompany it all. When we decided to TTC again last year, I really had no preconceived notions about what to expect or how long it would take. Now, I'm secretly hoping I'm pregnant again before August 21st. I don't know why I expect it to not be as hard, but I'm hoping it's a hurdle to be over by then. 

I have to say that I am so very thankful for the amazing women that I've "met" through this journey of fertility and of Clomid. I've encountered some truly beautiful women who are struggling as I am to become pregnant again and it's really anchored me. 

And even though we walk on similar paths and can share our charts and advice and laugh and cry over BFN's or hopefully, BFP's, ultimately, we know that we travel alone. There is no identical fertility experience. There are no maps or charts to tell us where to go or to "make" our bodies do something that it does not want to do. It is our own personal journey. 

But then again, I'm never really alone. I know that God is traveling right beside me.

There's always a lesson to be learned

So, I don't think this is going to be my month. My progesterone levels came back on Friday at 28.5, so I definitely ovulated. But my temps are plummeting which is not a good sign. Now I just wait for AF and then it's a refill on Clomid and I start on cycle two (which is actually cycle 8 of TTC).

I have to admit that I've really learned a lot this month. No, not just how to get on a schedule of what medications to take on which day and how to keep track of my Basal Body Temperature (BBT). God has made very evident to me the act of surrender. What I've realized is that I have not been completely surrendering my fertility to God. I've been praying that he'll help me to become pregnant again, but I've kept it "me" focused, not God focused. "Me" focused looks at how it will impact me and make me happy; God focused keeps it about him. And the truth is that it doesn't matter how good a fertility drug is or how many other women it's helped. God is still the one who will determine when I will conceive again; God is in control.

So today I surrender my fertility completely to God. My hearts prayer is that I keep God-focused while I travel this road of TTC. I pray blessings for the child that I know God will bring to our family. I praise God now for what he's already doing and for what he's going to do. 

A typical month

So once again, I find myself in the last week of my cycle and waiting for either the infamous AF or, hopefully, a BFP. To someone who does not have to work so hard to TTC, they might not understand how it feels throughout the month. 

In the beginning of my cycle, it's really a mix of emotions. I'm disappointed that I'm not pregnant for another month, but I quickly go to preparing myself for what I need to do for my next month in order to TTC again. Then there's all the other things in between, like meds, and temping, and OPK's and the right lubricant. So meanwhile I'm having to put my body through all this "stuff" and all Bob has to do is show up for sex. Yeah, poor Bob!

And then I get to this week, the last week of my cycle, and I sit and wait. I know at this point that we've done all we can for a month, but the wait is agony. I look for signs, any signs, that I may or may not be pregnant. This week is a little different in that I'll go in on Wednesday for blood work to check my progesterone level; if it's high, than I've successfully ovulated - low and it's another cycle of Clomid. And then even if I have ovulated, there's no guarantee that this is the month. 

I fully admit that I'm tired. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to do this anymore. Why, especially after losing Robert, that I have to work so hard to become pregnant again? And then I remember that God knows so much better than I do what is best for me. He knows my body inside and out. He quietly urges me to have faith and keep believing that he has it all under control. He requires that I surrender my fertility, just like everything else, to him and him alone. 

My first round of Clomid

AF showed last night, so that means I'll begin my first round (and hopefully, my only cycle) of Clomid (100mg) tomorrow. I'm taking Clomid CD3-7, Estrodial CD8-12 and taking guaifensin for CD10-20. I'm scheduled for a blood draw on CD22 to check my progesterone level. I'll be taking it at night, as recommended by several women, to sleep through the hot flashes.

In addition to meds, I'm charting, temping with a Basal thermometer and using the Answer OPK's. And by the way. Walmart has it cheapest; 20 strips for only $18.37. Oh, and I'm also still using Pre-seed. So if it doesn't work this time, I don't know what will?!

I'm off to MI for 10 days to visit my brother, SIL and nephew. I'm hoping that being away from the normal day-to-day "stuff" will help me to relax and not stress too much about what I have to do. 

I'm having a "talk" with Bob tonight about everything I'm doing so that he's aware of possible side effects, aka: hot flashes, moodiness, etc. So, he should be used to most of these.