I returned on Thursday evening from my trip to Uganda. Why is it then that I don't feel as though I've really returned? I keep telling myself that it's jet lag or just getting re acclimated after the trip, but it's definitely something more; I just can't seem to put my finger on it.
Everyone wants to know how it went. What did I see? What did I do? Expressing that they can't wait to see the photos. And of course, this is all great. But I know for sure that I'm still processing it all. That it's not merely a series of stories and that the photos can't possibly capture all that I'm feeling after traveling to Uganda. I can't seem to put my finger on it.
I know that this is where I live. That this is where my family and friends are. But why do I feel so out of place? As if my heart caught a glimpse of something more and keeps nagging at me, not allowing me forget what it saw and heard and felt.
My world is bigger now than my little town in North Carolina or than the United States. I've seen what's outside and now I'm obligated to do something about it. I can no longer claim ignorance or any other excuse. Because after all, that's what they are - excuses.
I can't ignore the fact that I've held and played with precious children with AIDS, orphaned by parents who've died of AIDS or Malaria or some other preventable disease. I can't pretend that I've never seen firsthand the distended bellies of starvation or the crying two-year old little girl that I gave my Luna bar to, her tears from an empty belly. There are no more excuses.
I kept a journal during my trip, just so I could remember what I was doing and where I was during each day. I'll begin to share a little bit each day, just so I can take my time to process it all and so I can share with everyone about my trip to Uganda. It's my trip through my eyes.
In conclusion today, I want to share a song with you that played on repeat in my head while I was in Africa. A few weeks before I left, I won tickets to see a concert with Matthew West, Josh Wilson and Jonny Diaz (I know, right? What an awesome line-up!) Matthew's newest single from his new album is called "My Own Little World" and the lyrics kept playing in my head while I was there. Beyond even my time there, how does it translate here back at home? God knows my heart and already knows how much I give, but can I be giving and doing more? I think I already know the answer to that question.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
We all need training wheels
I've been so busy with the first few meetings of MOPS, getting ready for my trip to Africa and preparing ahead for October 15th Raleigh that I haven't been on mine or any other blogs in weeks.
October is here and in North Carolina, the first hints of fall have arrived. We woke up this morning in the 50's and I'm absolutely loving it! Fall is my favorite time of the year. Mason has been begging to take his training wheels of his bike so he can practice before we move to a "bigger boy" bike, and it's the perfect weekend to do so. Did I mention how much I love the fall!
Mason is a bit of a dare devil and has little fear, but it just hasn't felt right until now to take off the training wheels. We needed to know that he was ready. We didn't give Mason his first bike at 3 without training wheels because we knew he wasn't ready. He needed to practice, to get a feel for the ride. He needed to learn to peddle and turn and stop. It's all a process and had we taken the bike out of the box and simply said, "Ride!", he would not have been ready. He needed to attain the experience and confidence that only time can build. In fact, pushing him too soon may have adversely effected his experience and confidence. Mason is now five. His balance is better now. He can stop on his own if needed. He's already fallen a few times and he knows the risks, but he's willing to try. And most importantly, he knows that Bob and I are still there with him if he needs us. After all, we're his parents and we love him and know what's best for him.
Aren't you glad that God is the same kind of loving parent to us? He loves us so much and knows what we need, when we need it. He gets us ready for what's ahead, for what we can't even see. But He sees it. We have this minute perspective on our lives, but he sees the big picture. We may be thinking, "But I want it right now!" or "Why do I have to struggle like this?" But all along, in ways we can't even fathom, He's preparing our hearts for what's ahead.
And His timing is perfect. In all His love and wisdom, He slowly prepares us for what's ahead, in ways we may not see until we're there. But there are no accidents. God doesn't screw up. He just needs us to trust that He has it under control. But I do have to warn you: It's going to be uncomfortable. We're going to be so tired that we can't possibly go any farther. We're going to fall and it's going to hurt. But then there He is, right beside us. Encouraging us. Holding us. Carrying us through. And even when we finally get that point where we say, "Okay, I CAN do this," we know that we don't do it alone, that we can't. That He's still there right beside us, loving and guiding us through it all. I guess we all need training wheels.
When I return from Africa, our family will begin the paperwork and home studies for adoption. We are not pulled one way or the other towards domestic vs. international adoption, but we have decided to begin with domestic infant adoption. Had you asked me (and I was asked, many times) two years or even one year ago if I was open to adoption, I would have said, "no" (and yes, to the countless conversations in the last two years, this had been my response). But what I know now is that I just wasn't ready. God needed to prepare me. He needed to prepare my heart, my mind and my soul for adoption. He needed me to be ready before He brought us to this place. He brought me through the utter devastation and heartache of losing a son to two years of infertility and failed fertility treatments in order to get me right to this place. Was it painful? You bet! Did I ask a whole lot of "why's?" Without a doubt! But is He faithful? Absolutely!
What I've come to discover is that I am not alone in this process. I have met and talked to countless women and families who have traveled similar journeys. That when you suffer from infertility and God closes that door, He very often opens the door of adoption. What a beautiful thing! It's not hopeless. He hears our cries and He loves us so much and loves orphans so much that He has a way to fulfill the promise of our family. He sees Mason's broken heart of so desperately wanting a little sister and He fills that desire.
Romans 8:15 (The Message) tells us, "You received God's spirit when He adopted you as His own children. Now we call Him, "Abba Father!""
If you have been born-again and asked Jesus to be your Lord and Savior (these being the literal words of Jesus in John 3:7. And yes, He is the only way, John 14:6), then you are in fact adopted into the family of God! We are not born His children, but when we say "yes" to all that He has for us, He adopts us as His forever children. What a beautiful promise.
So, long story long, I'm grateful that God is so patient. I'm so grateful for His grace and His sovereignty. I'm so grateful that I don't have to do this on my own. I'm so very grateful for training wheels.
October is here and in North Carolina, the first hints of fall have arrived. We woke up this morning in the 50's and I'm absolutely loving it! Fall is my favorite time of the year. Mason has been begging to take his training wheels of his bike so he can practice before we move to a "bigger boy" bike, and it's the perfect weekend to do so. Did I mention how much I love the fall!
Mason is a bit of a dare devil and has little fear, but it just hasn't felt right until now to take off the training wheels. We needed to know that he was ready. We didn't give Mason his first bike at 3 without training wheels because we knew he wasn't ready. He needed to practice, to get a feel for the ride. He needed to learn to peddle and turn and stop. It's all a process and had we taken the bike out of the box and simply said, "Ride!", he would not have been ready. He needed to attain the experience and confidence that only time can build. In fact, pushing him too soon may have adversely effected his experience and confidence. Mason is now five. His balance is better now. He can stop on his own if needed. He's already fallen a few times and he knows the risks, but he's willing to try. And most importantly, he knows that Bob and I are still there with him if he needs us. After all, we're his parents and we love him and know what's best for him.
Aren't you glad that God is the same kind of loving parent to us? He loves us so much and knows what we need, when we need it. He gets us ready for what's ahead, for what we can't even see. But He sees it. We have this minute perspective on our lives, but he sees the big picture. We may be thinking, "But I want it right now!" or "Why do I have to struggle like this?" But all along, in ways we can't even fathom, He's preparing our hearts for what's ahead.
And His timing is perfect. In all His love and wisdom, He slowly prepares us for what's ahead, in ways we may not see until we're there. But there are no accidents. God doesn't screw up. He just needs us to trust that He has it under control. But I do have to warn you: It's going to be uncomfortable. We're going to be so tired that we can't possibly go any farther. We're going to fall and it's going to hurt. But then there He is, right beside us. Encouraging us. Holding us. Carrying us through. And even when we finally get that point where we say, "Okay, I CAN do this," we know that we don't do it alone, that we can't. That He's still there right beside us, loving and guiding us through it all. I guess we all need training wheels.
When I return from Africa, our family will begin the paperwork and home studies for adoption. We are not pulled one way or the other towards domestic vs. international adoption, but we have decided to begin with domestic infant adoption. Had you asked me (and I was asked, many times) two years or even one year ago if I was open to adoption, I would have said, "no" (and yes, to the countless conversations in the last two years, this had been my response). But what I know now is that I just wasn't ready. God needed to prepare me. He needed to prepare my heart, my mind and my soul for adoption. He needed me to be ready before He brought us to this place. He brought me through the utter devastation and heartache of losing a son to two years of infertility and failed fertility treatments in order to get me right to this place. Was it painful? You bet! Did I ask a whole lot of "why's?" Without a doubt! But is He faithful? Absolutely!
What I've come to discover is that I am not alone in this process. I have met and talked to countless women and families who have traveled similar journeys. That when you suffer from infertility and God closes that door, He very often opens the door of adoption. What a beautiful thing! It's not hopeless. He hears our cries and He loves us so much and loves orphans so much that He has a way to fulfill the promise of our family. He sees Mason's broken heart of so desperately wanting a little sister and He fills that desire.
Romans 8:15 (The Message) tells us, "You received God's spirit when He adopted you as His own children. Now we call Him, "Abba Father!""
If you have been born-again and asked Jesus to be your Lord and Savior (these being the literal words of Jesus in John 3:7. And yes, He is the only way, John 14:6), then you are in fact adopted into the family of God! We are not born His children, but when we say "yes" to all that He has for us, He adopts us as His forever children. What a beautiful promise.
So, long story long, I'm grateful that God is so patient. I'm so grateful for His grace and His sovereignty. I'm so grateful that I don't have to do this on my own. I'm so very grateful for training wheels.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Too good not to share
I receive a daily devotional called Daily Hope from Rick Warren of a Purpose Driven Connection. I'm always amazed at how God can use the Word and devotionals from Godly men and women to speak into my life, right where I am.
Yesterday's devotional was titled, "Don't Let Bitterness Weaken Your Life." It got me thinking of how easily that even followers of Christ could be become bitter and mean if we allow it. Can you imagine how hard it must be for those who don't know Jesus? I don't even want to.
So today I'd like to share this devotion from Rick Warren. My take-away: you don't have to fight. If you are truly a Christ-follower and live a spirit-led life, God fights the battles for you. You can completely surrender the anger, hurt and feelings of revenge for a peace that God has it all under control. Getting even is a waste because He's already won. What would happen if you stopped reacting? There'd be nothing to fight. Sure, people can still say or make up anything they want, but it doesn't make it true. And you can be sure that even if everyone believes the lies, God still knows the truth. Anyone can fly off the handle, but a wise person uses self-control.
The biblical strongman Samson had one extraordinary weakness: his primary motivation in life was simply to get revenge. His life was full of resentment and anger and so he was always reacting violently to people.
We see this several times in Judges 15. In verse 3, Samson said (v. 3), “This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines.” Then, he says (v. 5), “Since you acted like this I won’t stop until I get my revenge on you.” Finally, in verse 11, he gives an excuse that is typical of a weak person (v. 11), “He answered, ‘I merely did to them what they did to me.’”
That was Samson's modus operandi: he was always reacting. When you spend your entire life reacting to people instead of making your own choices, it will weaken your life. “I merely did to them what they did to me.” Have you ever used that excuse?When you think about it, resentment -- getting even -- is a waste.
It's a waste of time. The whole time you're mad, the person you're upset toward is totally oblivious to it. Resentment always hurts you more than it does the other person.
It's a waste of energy. You spend all that energy getting upset that you get depressed, fatigued, you run out of energy, and you're tired all the time. But worst of all …
It’s a waste of creativity. Most of us, when we’re angry at somebody, we become extremely creative, thinking of ways to get back at that person.
When you look at Samson's life, you see a guy pretty creative at getting even. In Judges 15:3-5, "Samson said to them, `This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines. I will really harm them.' So he went out and caught 300 foxes and tied them tail to tail in pairs. Then he fastened a torch to every pair of tails. He lit the torches and let the foxes loose standing in the grain of the Philistines and he burned up all the shocks and the standing grain together with the vineyards and olive groves."
That's pretty creative! But that creativity ultimately led to his captivity and death. What's the lesson out of Samson's life? It’s better to control your anger and choose to act rather than react against everybody. Or as Proverbs 29:11 says "A fool gives full vent to his anger. But a man of understanding controls himself."
Yesterday's devotional was titled, "Don't Let Bitterness Weaken Your Life." It got me thinking of how easily that even followers of Christ could be become bitter and mean if we allow it. Can you imagine how hard it must be for those who don't know Jesus? I don't even want to.
So today I'd like to share this devotion from Rick Warren. My take-away: you don't have to fight. If you are truly a Christ-follower and live a spirit-led life, God fights the battles for you. You can completely surrender the anger, hurt and feelings of revenge for a peace that God has it all under control. Getting even is a waste because He's already won. What would happen if you stopped reacting? There'd be nothing to fight. Sure, people can still say or make up anything they want, but it doesn't make it true. And you can be sure that even if everyone believes the lies, God still knows the truth. Anyone can fly off the handle, but a wise person uses self-control.
Don't Let Bitterness Weaken Your Life
By Rick Warren
“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”
Proverbs 29:11 (NIV)
The biblical strongman Samson had one extraordinary weakness: his primary motivation in life was simply to get revenge. His life was full of resentment and anger and so he was always reacting violently to people.
We see this several times in Judges 15. In verse 3, Samson said (v. 3), “This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines.” Then, he says (v. 5), “Since you acted like this I won’t stop until I get my revenge on you.” Finally, in verse 11, he gives an excuse that is typical of a weak person (v. 11), “He answered, ‘I merely did to them what they did to me.’”
That was Samson's modus operandi: he was always reacting. When you spend your entire life reacting to people instead of making your own choices, it will weaken your life. “I merely did to them what they did to me.” Have you ever used that excuse?When you think about it, resentment -- getting even -- is a waste.
It's a waste of time. The whole time you're mad, the person you're upset toward is totally oblivious to it. Resentment always hurts you more than it does the other person.
It's a waste of energy. You spend all that energy getting upset that you get depressed, fatigued, you run out of energy, and you're tired all the time. But worst of all …
It’s a waste of creativity. Most of us, when we’re angry at somebody, we become extremely creative, thinking of ways to get back at that person.
When you look at Samson's life, you see a guy pretty creative at getting even. In Judges 15:3-5, "Samson said to them, `This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines. I will really harm them.' So he went out and caught 300 foxes and tied them tail to tail in pairs. Then he fastened a torch to every pair of tails. He lit the torches and let the foxes loose standing in the grain of the Philistines and he burned up all the shocks and the standing grain together with the vineyards and olive groves."
That's pretty creative! But that creativity ultimately led to his captivity and death. What's the lesson out of Samson's life? It’s better to control your anger and choose to act rather than react against everybody. Or as Proverbs 29:11 says "A fool gives full vent to his anger. But a man of understanding controls himself."
Friday, September 3, 2010
Welcome to the world, sweet Caleb!
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16
Steph and I have been friends for 15 years. We met our freshman year of college at Palm Beach Atlantic College (well, I think it's now "University"). We were both English majors and what started off as a fun, casual friendship my first year away from home has turned into a friend for life. She's always my biggest cheerleader (except for Bob, of course) and the one I can trust to tell me the truth. We've been there for each other through it all and although we can't always be together physically, I know that we are linked as sisters through a mutual love, respect and most importantly, the same heavenly father.
Little Caleb is such a beautiful reminder that we have a loving God and that we aren't some cosmic accident. To know that we are so special to Him, that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made". The evidence is all around us and so apparent, but I believe that it is magnified for moms. To look at our children is to see the amazing love of a heavenly father who loves our kids even more than we do (if we can even imagine that!) It still amazes me that someone wouldn't be able to see Him. But then again, I think we all can. It's just that some choose to deny Him and miss out on all that He really wants for us in this life and beyond.
I love you, Steph. You're already an amazing mommy!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Loving the Unlovable
"Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you.
Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you."
Luke 6:27-28 (NLT)
I'm sure that without exception, we all have at least one person in our lives that is, well, unlovable. Or at the very least, extremely hard to love. I have someone like that in my life.
While my natural, human inclination is to want to fire-back or defend myself, I know that that's not what honors God. Oh, believe me, you have no idea how tough it can be at times! I often find myself asking God what He could possibly be teaching me by having such a hurtful person in my life. Someone who is so cruel and cunning. Someone who lies and deceives. How can I keep loving someone like this? How am I supposed to love my enemy? On my own, I can't. But with Him, I can.
What if I were able to see this person through His eyes and not my own? What if I were able to see beyond the tough exterior, harsh language and see the heart of this person? If I closed my eyes for just a moment and saw this person as they really are: Broken. Hurt. Alone. Scared. Insecure. Sad. Lost. In need of a Savior.
And with that, I am very quickly humbled in realizing just how unlovable I am, too. We love and continue to love, without exception, because He loved us first. We love even those who are unlovable, because most often, those are the ones who need it the most.
Monday, August 9, 2010
"Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah 6:8
I'm going to Africa. Wow! I had absolutely no idea that when I said "yes" to whatever or wherever God had for me, it would mean half a world away.
During October 3-14, I will be traveling with a team from my church to share the Gospel in Uganda. We've partnered with an organization called Arise Africa in the village of Jinja, about an hour outside the capital city of Kampala. During our stay, we'll spend mornings ministering to the children in the village through songs and crafts, and just loving on them. Afternoons will be spent in the neighborhoods doing Hut-to-hut ministry, sharing the Gospel. And perhaps where my heart is most gripped, we'll spend a few days in a local orphanage.
All because I said yes, God wants to use me. Me. A broken women with a closed womb will go across the world to hold and love little ones with no mommy or daddy. Do you think God is stretching me? Do you think He's preparing my heart for His ways and not my own? Do you think that He has a greater plan than I could ever imagine on my own? That would be a resounding "Yes!"
While there is a financial need aspect to me going on this trip (like raising $2,500 by mid-September), even greater is the need for prayer. I am asking those out there in the blog-world to pray for me and this trip. Please pray for our team for travel mercies. Please pray that God will prepare my heart for the mission at hand, that is, sharing the Gospel with people who may have never even heard the name Jesus. Please pray that His ways will be my ways. Please pray that I will be open to everything and more that God needs for me to be available to do. Please pray His will be done.
During October 3-14, I will be traveling with a team from my church to share the Gospel in Uganda. We've partnered with an organization called Arise Africa in the village of Jinja, about an hour outside the capital city of Kampala. During our stay, we'll spend mornings ministering to the children in the village through songs and crafts, and just loving on them. Afternoons will be spent in the neighborhoods doing Hut-to-hut ministry, sharing the Gospel. And perhaps where my heart is most gripped, we'll spend a few days in a local orphanage.
All because I said yes, God wants to use me. Me. A broken women with a closed womb will go across the world to hold and love little ones with no mommy or daddy. Do you think God is stretching me? Do you think He's preparing my heart for His ways and not my own? Do you think that He has a greater plan than I could ever imagine on my own? That would be a resounding "Yes!"
While there is a financial need aspect to me going on this trip (like raising $2,500 by mid-September), even greater is the need for prayer. I am asking those out there in the blog-world to pray for me and this trip. Please pray for our team for travel mercies. Please pray that God will prepare my heart for the mission at hand, that is, sharing the Gospel with people who may have never even heard the name Jesus. Please pray that His ways will be my ways. Please pray that I will be open to everything and more that God needs for me to be available to do. Please pray His will be done.
Monday, August 2, 2010
God DOES have a sense of humor!
Around 6 weeks ago we noticed that one of our furry boys, Grant, wasn't looking so hot. He's on the smallish side as it is, but he was really dropping weight and he didn't have his usual "oomph". He was also having issues with depth-perception. He's usually like a panther, but he'd go to jump to the counter and then to above the cabinets and literally wouldn't be able to make it. Something was definitely wrong.
Come to find out that our sweet kitty has diabetes. After 4 days at the vet, antibiotics and insulin, he finally was able to come home and we began a new normal for one of our cats. Scheduled feedings, glucose checks and.... twice daily insulin shots! Yep, I've gone from injecting myself to injecting my cat! I think it's hilarious!
I'll never forget when the Vet was getting ready to discharge him and wanted to have us give him a shot before we left, just to make sure that we could do it. Which of course, I had no problem doing! She also looked a little perplexed that I knew what an IU was.
So I'm convinced that God really does have a sense of humor. And for that, I am very thankful.
Come to find out that our sweet kitty has diabetes. After 4 days at the vet, antibiotics and insulin, he finally was able to come home and we began a new normal for one of our cats. Scheduled feedings, glucose checks and.... twice daily insulin shots! Yep, I've gone from injecting myself to injecting my cat! I think it's hilarious!
I'll never forget when the Vet was getting ready to discharge him and wanted to have us give him a shot before we left, just to make sure that we could do it. Which of course, I had no problem doing! She also looked a little perplexed that I knew what an IU was.
So I'm convinced that God really does have a sense of humor. And for that, I am very thankful.
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