Infertility Sucks

I know, not a real classy title, but it really does say it all.

I'm pretty darn sure that I'm out for another month, which means beginning our 11th cycle of TTC. If I had it my way, I'd probably just take a break until the beginning of next year, get through the holidays, etc. But my doctor highly recommends that we take advantage of the HSG and the increased fertility rates within the first three months of the procedure. So, it's on to Femara CD3-7 and a consult with a reproductive endocrinologist at Carolina Conceptions (which I'm really looking forward to - NOT!) I mean, I know that there are wonderful doctors and intervention for people who need help with infertility; I just never thought I'd be one of those people who needed it.

I hit some real lows this cycle. I hate the roller coaster of emotions that I go through every month. The hormones, the anticipation and the disappointment. It can really start to wear on you (and on everyone around you!)

I'm ready for a miracle.

All Systems Clear!

I finally had my HSG procedure on Monday and besides the long wait before the test, it went very well.

Here's what my morning entailed... I was asked to remove all clothing change into a gown and booties. I had to lay on a very cold table and scoot down like I was having a Pap, but no stirrups. The x-ray tech first took an initial shot of my anatomy and then asked basic questions, including my fertility history (in a nutshell), mostly to see if I'd had any infections that I knew of in the past. Next, the doctor came in to administer the HSG. She inserted a catheter into my uterus and up to where my fallopian tubes are (it was wild and a little creepy to watch it all happening on the x-ray screen). She "ballooned" the catheter slightly and then pushed dye through the catheter. It flowed up into my uterus and through the fallopian tubes. It then spilled out through the fallopian tubes, showing that I have no blockage, which is VERY good news! It did take a little longer to spill on my left side and I had more cramping on this side, but other than that, it was a fairly simple procedure. The dr. took several shots of everything and went over all the photos with Bob and I after she was done. The test was considered normal.

I had some cramping that afternoon and into the evening and discharge, but nothing that couldn't be helped with a few Motrin and a heating pad.

The good news is that for those who have no blockage, there are very good pregnancy rates after an HSG. It may be enough to just "clear the cobwebs," hopefully making conditions more favorable for pregnancy. I'm still holding out hope that September is our month.

The procedure I've been waiting for

I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because there was nothing new in the TTC department. I had a ridiculously long cycle last month (at least for me) and AF came 9 days late. Absolute torture! There's nothing like having an extra long cycle with no BFP to send you over the edge.

On Monday, I will finally have my Hystersalpingogram or HSG. This procedure will tell us if I have any sort of blockage in my fallopian tubes, which would be preventing me from becoming pregnant. Over and over again, I keep hearing how positive this procedure can be when there is a slight blockage, only because the actual test can be enough to "push out" any obstructions. Although an HSG is not a treatment itself, there is an increase in pregnancy in some women in the three months following an HSG.

Through testing both Bob and I, we know that we are both fertile, so a blockage just may be what is keeping us from getting pregnant again. And if it's not, than we'll move on to the next step of setting up a consultation with Carolina Conceptions. Although I'm praying hard that this is all it takes, it's a comfort to know that we always have a next step.

Please keep in your prayers on Monday, August 31st at 11:00 am. Please pray that His will be done and that this procedure will get us one step closer to our new baby.

More Waiting

I'm still waiting for AF to arrive (hopefully this weekend) so I can schedule my HSG test for CD8. This has probably been one of the most tolerable months as far as waiting is concerned because I know that there is a next step and it's not that invasive (say, as opposed to having an IUI or IVF). I don't know if I even have a blockage or if I do, if this will help. But I have to remain hopeful that this is at least leading us in the right direction. I really have a lot of peace about whatever happens at this point. I know that I'm doing what I can and leaving the rest to God.

The Next Step

I'm mid-cycle, month three of Clomid and thankfully, my last month. No, I'm not pregnant (yet), but it's pretty clear now that lack of ovulation is not the issue. I had my progesterone checked for the last few months and I'm clearly ovulating, so there's no good reason for me to continue on Clomid. I know that Clomid has helped many women to become pregnant, but it's made me crazy! I've been hyper-hormonal and it gave me some serious insomnia, not to mention the nasty hot flashes. I'm truly thankful to be moving on.

So, what's next? Well, Bob was "checked" a few weeks ago and everything is great with him. Let's just say that he has more than enough swimmers with the speed of Michael Phelps. And yes, he's allowed to ride his bike again. My doctor believes that I may have some blockage in my fallopian tubes, either due to a mucus plug or from scar tissue and infection from my last pregnancy. On CD1 I'll schedule a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test for CD8. This test and x-ray will flush out my fallopian tubes, and hopefully unplug whatever's blocked. There's often a very good chance of becoming pregnant right after an HSG, so we're hopeful that this is what will help us to finally become pregnant. And if not, well, then God will provide the next step.

Praying that August will be our month.

The Emotional Toll

*I want to preface this post by stating that I am not a medical professional nor can I diagnose depression. I am simply speaking personally about my own experience with infertility and depression.*

TTC can be physically tough, but no one really talks about the emotional toll that it begins to take. It begins to effect every aspect of your life and impacts your family, your marriage, friendships and your relationship with God. It becomes such a part of your life that it begins to feel like another job. It's an exhausting wave of hormones and emotions, rising and falling every month and finally crashing down so hard that you feel like you can't breath. 

Another aspect that women are often afraid to talk about is depression. I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of Robert. Since then, I've had situational depression while grieving his loss. And now, while I wade through the waters of infertility, I must be very aware of how easily depression can begin to creep in again. I think that depression may be easy to overlook because of all that you have going on when you're TTC, especially if you've had losses and infertility issues. Most likely you are on medications (oral or injected), having weekly tests, meeting with specialists. Depression could be disguised as just being tired or hormonal. 

Depression is also still very taboo (hmmm, very much like talking about miscarriage or pregnancy loss is). There is a lot of shame associated with being labeled with depression. But awareness and the ability to open up to your spouse or friends about how you're feeling is a key to keeping depression in check. It's also important to be aware of triggers that may bring on symptoms of depression.  

For me personally, I know what my triggers are and I still fall into the trap of depression. I've been on medication before, but am choosing not to be on anything now while we're TTC. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with being on anti-depressants while TTC or pregnant. This is just a personal choice. There are some things that I'm doing to help with my bouts of depression. First, I read my bible, pray and listen to christian music. Also, I have a few close friends who are aware of what I'm going through and don't let me withdraw (for too long, anyways). Even when I ignore their phone calls for almost a week (yes Jen, I am so appreciative of your love and friendship - I promise to call today!). 

Tired

Physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm just tired. Not to mention the fact that I was up watching old episodes of Family Ties on hulu and playing solitaire until 2am. Sweet tea is evil. I've got to cut myself off in the afternoon. Yeah, so I can start on the hard liquor! 

Today I start on CD10-20 0f guaifenesin (aka Mucinex) to begin to "thin" my mucus (yes, it thins ALL sorts of mucus). Eww, right? So very TMI but so part of my life right now. I also continue the Estradiol for a few more days. Who ever thought I'd be doing all this? Certainly not me! 

I was thinking about when Bob and I decided to TTC with Mason. We went out to our favorite restaurant, had a nice dinner and bottle of wine and he said, "You want to try for a baby?" "Sure!", I said enthusiastically! Then we finished the bottle of wine (and maybe a second one) went home and one cycle later... TADA! We were pregnant with Mason. Of course, we had our struggles with that pregnancy too, losing Mason's twin at 8 weeks pregnant. They called it a "vanishing twin," as if the baby decided to leave town on a shopping excursion without telling anyone. But after that, other than some wicked morning sickness, my first pregnancy was easy and a non-event.

Then came TTC for the second time. I ask Bob, "Do think I should have my Mirena taken out so we can TTC?" He responds, "Sure, why not?" I have it removed and 3 weeks later, BOOM, I'm preggers. I swear it only took one time while ovulating and I conceived. Of course, we know how that pregnancy turned out. 

And so here I am, TTC for the third time and absolutely desperate to become pregnant and to have another child and for the life of me, I can't get pregnant! Okay, so I shouldn't say "can't", but it's just very difficult this time around. And I think that's what boggles my mind so much. In the past, it was like speaking the words and I was pregnant. Now I'm doing everything possible for me right now and it's not happening. 

So I hear ALL sorts of advice from people. Just relax. Don't stress over it. Have more sex. Have fun! Uh, yeah, tried all those and I'm still not preggers. 

I made a "suggestion" to Bob that he may want to go to an Urologist just to make sure everything is okay with "the boys". He's not crazy about it, but he's willing. I also told him he's not longer allowed to ride his bike in the morning until we get pregnant again. Hey, you never know how it may effect everything down there. For the time being, I'm not leaving any stone unturned. 

I'm off to take my tired, non-pregnant butt to the pool with Mason.